Fighting in the New Year

For the third year in a row, I sat home on New Years and did not support any of my musician buddies by attending their gigs. 

I suck. 

We spent the day fighting. 

He claims to want to save it. 

I don't know what to do.  I need to earn money.   

I need funds to regain the business I gave up in March of last year to help him get the job he has now. 

He has money. 

I don't. 

We tried to work on the relationship.  I caught him in many lies.  I don't want to go there.  He may not mean to lie to me; he may be lying to himself.

It's hard to explain.  When we fight, my blood pressure shoots through the roof.  His doesn't budge. 

I will only waste the energy if it will help.  If the fighting goes nowhere and the marriage is doomed, I'd rather just keep my mouth shut and let it die a natural death. 

There is no point making myself sick if it does no good.  He can fight all day.  I can't without risking my health. 

He did offer to pay $1,500 towards my new office.  I didn't want to take 'his money' being that we may need to be divorced.

Over the years, I took out loans for school and he ended up using $6,000 of the money for repairs and to his car and what not.  I thought it was stupid but he'd contract for the repairs without talking to me.  I always thought he should just buy a new car rather than spend $6,000 gussying up an old run down vehicle worth $400. 

I don't want to take his money. 

Then I remembered, I gave him around $2,500 in before we married so he could attend his best friend's wedding. 

He's offered me $1,500 to get an office and rebuild my business.  I'm scared to take it because I don't want to use him and I don't want to lose it in a divorce.

I may take it so I can regain my business he asked me to quit so he could get his job.  If we stay together, he can reap the rewards.  If we part, then he can get out of alimony by saying I can work. 

I'll let you know how it goes. 

Usually, when he offers me money, I never see it. 

I need to take a risk and help him financially.  He's not going to be able to keep the house if I don't.

Love,

S.