Horriblescopes and Nightmares

Horriblescope:

THURSDAY: With the Moon in Virgo, you'll breeze through the morning, completing existing projects to make way for new ventures. You should contact a friend who has been on your mind; once you do, you'll discover why. Now that your finances are in some semblance of balance, you'll be able to make an important purchase you've been putting off. Sage incense can help you hear intuitive messages clearly, so burn some to access the wisdom of your subconscious tonight.

NIGHTMARE: 

I dreamt I was renting an old farmhouse in a place called Golden.  My high school sweetheart came by and we had a picnic.  We fished and ate bread.

Then, I saw him sitting by himself in a room, naked, rocking back and forth.  He had shaved his head, carved an A into it and was singing one line of an 80's tune by Sting, over and over while bleeding all over the place. 

"Face down in the mud and stained in the blood of a whole generation."

Okay, I admit.  Anyone that sees me sky clad will hug their knees, rock back and forth, until they realize that it is best to deny what they saw.  All the classic signs of trauma....well, that makes sense. 

That A is what I'm afraid I'll do.  My Christian friends are making me feel guilty for the past three years.   My ex and I have basically lived apart for three and a half years, it has only been the past month or so I've played homemaker to the man in the basement*. 

The fish and the bread make sense, too.  That is a pagan offering to Isis and Osiris when one wants to find his or her true love.  That's what I've been hoping would happen for us.  If he finds his and I find mine, then the creepy dreams should stop....right? 

It's a shot. 

My subconscious mind would find an obscure song and fine the few words that would fit into a situation, wouldn't it?  I don't understand how in the heck my freakin' mind works.   I don't know what the song means, yet.  I know I've overstayed my welcome in this house because I'm afraid I will hurting children (and a grand baby) by leaving.  

Last night, I feel asleep with a pendant said to contain a Djinn and asked to dream of my true love.  Someday, I'll tell you the story of the three wishes and how by the time they were granted, twenty-five years had passed and I find myself wanting exactly what I had when I started making the wishes in the first place. 

Most Djinn have a sense of humor; this one seems to have a penchant for telling the truth in an unmistakable fashion. 

Now, I'm dreaming of my high school sweetheart and waking up worried. 

This is why I don't sleep. 

I fell asleep around 2:30 this morning and woke up screaming around 7:00.  I forgot to set the alarm but the dream was enough to wake me up....

then I get this horriblescope emailed to me. 

Is it no wonder why I don't call? 

I'd be setting him up for pain. 

If my dear friend wants to call me.  I'm here....but...we ought to meet at a church or something.  

Love is love.  It doesn't matter where he is or what he does.  I love my friend. 

I love him enough to exercise restraint as to not harm his beautiful soul. 

Oh, and I have a painting from a high school friend that I dug out of the garbage circa 1985.  I heard she had died of a drug overdose in the early nineties.  The painting is a cheerful picture of a dancer in the middle of the circus.  My friend, Frankie, had thrown the watercolor away because a tiny part of it was smeared.  We were both anorexic at the time and both of us were notorious for our perfectionism.  I rescued the painting and spent the past ten years trying to track down her family. 

I tracked her parents down on Monday.  It is true that life is stranger than fiction.  They live in the house next store to my high school flame's mother.  I am not joking.  I have a huge matted and framed watercolor in my bedroom that I'm terrified to drop off in a visit for fear of running into him or a member of his family.    The same time I was hunting down the Schieffer family, I was hunting down Tom so I could send his artwork to him. 

It looks like I only need to make one trip to the same block all those years ago. 

Who knew? 

If I were still talking to him, it wouldn't be so tough to venture out to that side of town. I do love him and think I understand why I felt the need to push him away.  I'm afraid of hurting him. 

Damn...I'm stupid. 

I realize I hurt him anyway. 

You know, why in the world am I worried about being filthy around my friend?  If there is any person on the planet who knows how prude I really am...it is him. 

If there is any man who isn't going to do that with me....it's him.  Seriously, if he was 'hands off' at seventeen, he'll be 'hands off' at forty.

I'm done worrying.  If he needs a friend, I'm there. 

Love,

S. 

Now, a couple of them have noticed his relationship status on Facebook and tell him to do what it takes to keep me. So, he called the house the past three days to tell me he is on his way home (like he did a decade ago). Today, he called me beautiful. It was only three years ago that he started to call me by my first name. I'm shocked.  It's like I'm caught in a time warp of some sort. 

He refused.   

I'm afraid he is going to die if he doesn't take control of his health.  I don't want to sit around and watch him perish due to his pain.  People gain weight to protect themselves from others.  If I'm the one he's buffering his heart against, he may be better off if I leave. 

I wish I knew what to do. 

I'm off to look at office space in an upscale neighborhood and, maybe, hunt down a new bass guitar. 

I will burn sage, too.....maybe I'll get more answers.