He taught me one big lesson, though. I've been thinking about it too much.
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A young couple I recently met are planning to get married. They're both young, beautiful, and successful. They've gotten some acclaim. They are well known, respected for their strong moral compass and feared for their ability to take action against idiots who want to take advantage of other people for political and monetary gain.
They announced their wedding plans on the same day my ex and I started talking about the D-word again.
I felt sorry for them because they are the age I was when I tied the knot.
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My ex told me that he'd always love me.
Yep, I believe him.
I'll always love him, too.
Do you know why?
Love never dies.
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That's what my blue eyed friend taught me. Twenty-five years can pass, we can creep each other out, breathe on each other with bad breath and spread gossip about the other one putting their sexual orientation in question*....
yet the love is always there.
Always...
It was a year ago today, I walked away from a lunch date with my old friend. Seeing him is always bitter sweet. I enjoy his aura. I love his company. I feel understood by him and that is such a rare thing. It's so darn hard to say good-bye.
On that particular day, it wasn't ten paces before I ran into an incredibly tall dark-haired man who greeted me as Satan. I didn't think too much of it at the time, until other people in the area told me he frequented their offices and went on rants about me while asking highly personal questions about my life.
I'd never met the man before.
One of the women he bothered had an office near mine. She was in her sixties and this guy tried to rob her. I was afraid for her.
I moved my business and haven't been back to the area since. I know I should feel safe out there. My cousin has a bridal shop next to my old office. The uncle who raised me was always there. My aunt lived a block away. I had friends who worked in the area.
I just didn't feel safe there anymore. I'd see my picture strewn around the courtyard. My business cards and literature would go missing from the lobby all at once. It was a little creepy.
Then there were the memories. I'd lock the door at night and see the monuments to the past. I'd remember Tom and I frequenting the Mexican Restaurant across the street. I'd remember the cocoa from the street vendors. I'd remember buying men's shirts at the Salvation Army Thrift Shop to wear to school just to be a brat and give him a reputation**.
I'd remember him giving me a note telling me he was leaving me so he wouldn't get in the way of the things I wanted to do in life. The night before I told him I was accepted into a music performance program at a college in a small town six hours away. I think that's why he left me, so I could live my dream. Then, I'd remember him looking at me with tears in his eyes in the days and weeks that followed. I was too stupid to read between the lines.
We lost touch. Months later, I had a roommate claim my friend Tom was stalking me but that wasn't like him.
For economic reasons, I decided to stay in town and try to get into a local college. I was an orphan who lived in the gay side of town. Other orphans and runaways would stay with me and band together for survival. I paid the rent. They brought the food. We survived. I'm unsure how many of us are alive now. Most of them were male. Two of my former roommates ended up living together for the rest of their lives; they recently died of AIDS. One went to prison for assault and drug dealing. The only person I keep in contact with now is my former next door neighbor; we play Farmville on Facebook together daily.
Tom allegedly confronted the scary one who sold drugs. I don't believe that. I have memories of my roommates pointing to some guy out the window claiming he'd been there for hours. I don't know... I didn't recognize him. But then, that was a few months before I discovered I needed glasses.
I have piss poor eyesight. I did try to contact Tom just to make sure he wasn't the guy outside my window. When I approached, Tom skipped off spouting bizarre sayings which made me think that I may have driven him off the deep end. A few days later he sent me a confusing letter that broke my heart.
I promised to never reveal what he wrote to me. I never wanted to see him again because it was that insulting.
He's forgiven now. Now, I won't speak of it as to spare his feelings.
I moved on the best I could. I always did feel like I lost my best friend but he seemed to be so damn happy without me. It must be what the creator intended for this life.
My friend says he's had many different lifetimes within his life. I've only had one with reoccurring people and themes.
Life has been interesting to say the least. The past four years have been incredibly hard.
I'm tired of drama.
I want to leave this mess. I'll find a way somehow.
Twenty years ago, I would have never thought I'd be going through this now.
I DO believe in love.
I have faith that young couple will have a happy life together if they remember that love never dies. Men can get stupid, can steal from you, can do all sorts of stupid crappy, crazy stuff and the love won't die. If people realized that, imagine all of the divorces that wouldn't happen for stupid reasons.
I'm not sure if it would help in cases of abuse and significant breaches of trust (like I'm dealing with)...but it may make people think twice before trying to chase someone off.
Chase them off and you'll miss them (unless they screwed you over somehow).
If I had understood the permanance of unconditional love and friendship when I was seventeen, I wouldn't have let my friend go so easily.
Tom always had a way of teaching me useful lessons. This year he taught me something about myself. I'll always treasure the lesson.
Love never dies.
I don't want to fall in love again.
There is no room in my heart.
If love doesn't die, then how in the world do you make room for someone new? I've got two men there right now. It's a little crowded in there.
I really, really don't want to let anyone else in.
It hurts too much.
Perhaps my lesson in this life is to live without touch and to love at a distance.
I just have to find what it is that I'm truly supposed to be doing here and I'll find my happiness again.
Thank you my friend. You're a great teacher.
Please know you're loved.
S.
Just in case he sees this, we run into each other and I have to defend myself from my assertions...
*Yes, he told everyone that we were both homosexuals covering for each other.
**No, due to his own gossip, there was no way I was going to give him the reputation of a player. I tried. On the bright side, I had a ton of painting smocks!
I've said too much.
I'll probably be in the doghouse for life now.
Oh well...
Maybe God will keep us apart and grace us with the gift of mutual memory loss.
Sigh...
Probably not...but I'll put that intent out here anyway.
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