Sleep Disorders

I haven't been sleeping well. 

I had two hours of sleep last night and two hours of sleep the night before.

Last night, around 3:30 am, I thought I heard two gunshots but wasn't sure.  They may have been coincidental car backfires.  I spent a lot of time praying for a neighbor I am worried about.  I could see him shooting himself due to the economy; he and his wife stand to lose their home and he's worried sick.   There is nothing I can do for him. 

I fell asleep this morning after dropping the youngest off to school.  The high school kid was sick and needed a ride home.  The school called the house and I slept right through it.  So, they called her Dad who drove a mile to pick her up and drop her off. 

I felt horrible.  This is why he wants me to be here, so he doesn't have to worry about sick kids. 

He told me not to worry about it and offerred to buy me Vodka to help me sleep at night.  He doesn't understand about those moments at night where I wonder why I've been alone for so many years. 

There are no words to describe the middle of the night feeling...it's a hopeless, lost feeling. 

He left eleven years ago.  He returned after only a day but the relationship was breached, no matter how much counseling he couldn't talk to me without yelling. 

We started sleeping apart about then but it wasn't consistent.  We had a short stint where the eldest wanted to live in the basement apartment, so he started sleeping in the bedroom with me but that was short lived.  I've been alone since I was 30.

Yesterday, he spoke about divorce.  He said he loved me.  He said he wanted to help me find a job.  He said he would divorce me and let me stay in his house to be with the kids when it was done. 

His house?  He couldn't have bought it without my money.  It's our house.

I'm trapped.  There is no way I'm going to leave this house with anything more than the clothes on my back.  Hell, I'd be happy if he let me leave with the $5,500 dollars and running vehicle I brought into the relationship (not counting the $2,800 I gave him before we were engaged).  $5,500 could help me start a new life.

I won't see anything except debt.   He wants the house that, before the recession, had $75,000 worth of equity in it.  He wants the savings.  He even thinks the loan I took out to go to school with belongs to him. 

I wish I understood sexism. 

As I lay there in tears, praying my neighbor didn't have a gun, I had a selfish moment.  I prayed for death.  I know its stupid but I can't continue like this. 

I quickly realized how wrong that is.  I'm married to a man who weighs over 500 pounds; he isn't long for his world.  I was orphaned at fourteen due to the stupidity of my parents.  Do I want his children to be orphans due to our stupidity? 

I'm going to have to stick around. 

I thought about these pagan men who use Biblical quotes to control women.  I thought about the passage about how God considers men and women to be one and wondered if that was the root of all narcissism. 

If I am HIM, then I should know what he wants and needs.  There is no need to communicate. 

If I am HIM, then all I own belongs to him. 

If I am HIM, then I am like his left arm and he can control me and tell me what to do. 

His sister has NPD and I always thought his mother was a bit narcissistic.  His mother is difficult and controls people by shaming them, spreading lies and harassing them.  Most of our fights are about how much I resemble his mother and his sister; he is fond of saying that his mother and sister are stupid, just like all women, therefore he doesn't have to listen to me.

How in the hell does one deal with that? 

He needs his space to work through whatever the hell happened to him when he was ten years old.  I can't be near him until he does.  His childhood abuse has become his excuse to control everything around him.  Why am I paying for something that happened before I ever met him? 

I don't want to do that anymore. 

I didn't promise to live in dire poverty, hold myself down and make myself an emotional punching bag for someone else.  I promised to love and cherish someone.  Maybe the best way for me to do that is to get the hell out of the way of his healing by.....getting away. 

Why are vows one way streets? 

He did mention one of the police officers had chastised him during the height of the harassment by the city.  Apprently, one of them witnessed him blocking my path and told him that he was disrespectful to me and suggested counseling. 

No one at the city ever realized that his being fired over gossip that he threw me into the wall in the middle of the night has actually put me in more danger.  They stuck me in the middle of the dispute. 

I never understood the harassment.  I wondered, at times, if the city cars in front of the house were the city's way of keeping tabs on him so they wouldn't have to pay unemployment.  I mean, if they could catch him working, they could easily get out of it.  They didn't need to harass me or freak out the kids.  I do think they were trying to encourage him to drop a lawsuit. 

That backfired a little bit, didn't it? 



I now have the task of trying to earn a living, without assets, while being consistently available to cater to a man who refuses to speak with me or share with me. 

The government, no matter how helpful they try to be, can't fix this.  They give too many mixed messages.  A man can't kick the door - but-  he can hit his wife in front of the kids and get liberal visitation.  A woman has to leave a man who abuses her -but- she has to let him in her apartment after the separation so he can be with his kids at will. 

This is confusing.  We are married but not together.  We share a house but we don't talk.  He earns the money and will share if he is feeling generous.  We can't talk about budgeting, expectations or anything. 

I need to leave.  The law won't help me.  It will only hinder my ability to sleep in peace at night. 

I'm not whining.  I'm trying to take stock of the situation.  God only knows if I'm going to be in a position to remedy the way abused spouses are treated.  There is a reason I'm enduring this.  There is a lesson and once I learn it, I am sure I'll be released from it. 


I'm going to grab the phone, put it by the bed, and try to rest today.  I may have the flu that the kids have.

Hopefully, I'll dream up a solution that will please everybody.  Maybe my ex will find a lovely lady that likes 'em large, selfish and emotionally distant.  Maybe he'll find a woman his mother and sister won't want to terrorize.  Wouldn't that be the perfect solution? 

Ah, dreams....

When I sleep, I have beautiful dreams of pink roses and angels.  Last night, I swore I dreamt of Cupid and Psyche.  Cupid only allowed Psyche to love him in the dark so she could not see the monster he thought he was. 

There are times when I wish I'd have been kept in the dark but alas his mommy had to put the spotlight on me.  I didn't want to see the tentacles and the chains. 

I need to break free. 

Damn....

Love,

S.