People of Integrity

I spoke to my ex.  I told him that I know he is a person of integrity, as am I.  I trust that with enough space he'll have a chance to do what is right for himself when he figures it out. 

He's only acted like a lying idiot when other people have pressured him to do stupid crap.  I don't know if he wants to stay married or not.  This could be the wrong time to pressure him for a decision. 

He just got an office at work which may cement the promise of a full time job. 

His father has stage iv cancer. 

It isn't my place to push anything.  It is up to him to decide what is right when he is ready.    

We spoke about his weight gain.  I wanted to reassure him that he is not his body shape.  Those extra 250 pounds are a symptom of something that is missing from his life and that he deserves the space to find out what that is. 

I told him that if I've learned anything from my exes, it is that it hurts for me to see someone special to me in pain.  It hurts to see them alone.  It hurts to see them looking all closed up and sucking in tears.  I can't stand it.  It breaks my heart and makes me feel like I made them feel less than what they were when we parted.  The truth is that I'd rather see them in a room full of hookers than looking guarded and isolated.

Okay, I'd rather not see them doing naked yoga...but...there are few things worse than seeing them depressed.  

The man will always and forever be my friend, IF we don't let some governmental process stress us out to the point of finding fault with each other.  This is what divorce reform will do - make us prove fault in order to end our legal marriage. 

As libertarian activists, it is OUR duty to fight that kind of reform tooth and nail.  The government has no right to tell people how to live, whom to marry, and to void relational contracts that they have made with one another.  

The government is changing our contract after the fact.  We agreed to love, honor and cherish each other.  He didn't agree to giving me 40% of his income nor did I agree to live in a hell hole because people are angry at the way things turned out.  We have a responsibility to show the kids that its okay to take care of our own well-being. 

Divorce reform would force me to stay here and force him to pay me for those fifteen years I didn't work outside of the home.  Now, if he'd have let me keep my $175 per hour business, I'd be paying him some dough..but...his ego got in the way. 

We didn't marry to get divorced.  We thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives.  He was my best friend.  He was my college sweetheart. 

We couldn't foresee the problems with his parents at the time.  I knew his family.  They knew me since I was fourteen years old.  In fact, it was his aunt who talked me into marrying him.  At the time, it would have been hard to believe they would turn against me.  It was their ultimatum that hurt him to the point of emotional eating.  He was incredibly hurt and became incredibly violent at the mere mention of his parents names or of the situation.  That is what sealed our doom.

We have agreed to live in the same house as to keep it running for the kids but be separate.  There is no hurry (unless, of course, the state tries to make divorce harder).  If his mommy is dying and she still refuses to see her son until we divorce, we can't afford to wait fifteen months to end the relationship. 

His father...his father...well, he seems upset about his son's weight.  He pokes fun at him.  I asked him to call his dad and he did but the conversation was strained.  I doubt he'll get to have a relationship with his father before he passes. 

His father wrote to me that I was the best thing to happen to his son.  If so, why the ultimatum? 

I don't know...It's sad.  Once he's gone...he's gone. 

I know my estranged spouse just wants to make the women in his life happy.  He wanted to make his mother and sister happy and told me he sided with them because he knew I would love him no matter what he did.  He's right. 

I never expected his family of origin to abandon him.  I have no right to expect him to live a life devoid of them just because he's married to me.  If the answer is a divorce, it really is the least invasive option.  If the kids can know their grandparents because I'm gone, it's not a bad thing.  It's not like they'll never get to see me. 

If we divorce, it will be because of his family.  If his mamma doesn't like you, the relationship is doomed. 

When he said all he wants is my happiness, I retorted that 'all [he] really wants is a BJ.' 

He giggled.  Truth be told, all he really wants is to be understood.   

So...despite the bull crap I'm hearing about the creepy divorce laws being reformed to force us to stay together in our private hell, I am going to be his friend. 

Even though, our relationship feels more like a brother and sister relationship.   The pain won't last. 

When he finds what he needs, he WILL lose the weight and find someone who likes lollipops and that will not cost him a relationship with his family.  Yep, those narcissistic relatives won't take back what they did to us but, I guarantee, they've learned to never do that again.  If he remarries, they will know enough to keep their traps shut if they want their son's help and support.     

He's got good taste in women.  I'm pretty darn sure I'll like my replacement and that the kids will be lucky to have her in their lives. 

All will be well in the end with my friend. 

I'll try not to stress out about it.

Oh....

I got an email today from the office of the Senator who proposed the divorce reform bill here.  He's running for Congress in the second district and wants some money for his campaign. 

Oh, I'm sorry....I can't send you any money because I have to hurry up and save up for a divorce lawyer just in case a stupid bill you proposed is passed.

I wonder if I know the person running against him...

I sure hope so.  Then I have an excuse to do work that my ex will approve of.  He didn't complain when I ran for office in the city that allowed their lawyers to harass the holy hell out of him.  He won't mind if I work to take down someone who is trying to cost him a hell of a lot of money and freedom.

Love,

S.