We've been together twenty years. Eleven of them have been hellish. I erred when I said he left me in '01. It was December of '00. I bought Christmas gifts for his family. I won a settlement and put one tenth of the money towards rings his parents wanted - they cost me nearly $500. I wrapped them in little porcelain boxes that were painted to look like Christmas presents and put three names on the tags. They were from my husband, his brother and his sister. I kept my name off of it. His sister went so far as to help me pick them out. His brother approved them. I couldn't imagine why it would be a problem.
I only wanted to bring joy into their lives. It didn't go very well.
My husband dropped them off. His uncle answered the door, took the presents and hurt his feelings a few days before Christmas.
That night my husband left me because his family gave him an ultimatum. They didn't want to talk to him until the issue he had with his mother was settled; the issue with his mother would only be settled in the event of our divorce.
Mark 10:9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.
For years, I've asked them what I've done wrong. They tell me that I didn't do anything wrong.
Leading up to this point I was called numerous times per day and told to drop out of college but I thought they were offering up advice. They were afraid I wouldn't help them in their old age and I thought that was absurd; as it stood, I helped them with housework, watched their grandkids, and took them to doctor appointments when asked. I didn't think that my going to college would make them worry about my ability to help them. I certainly didn't know that it would cause them to hate me.
I was told by his aunt, a woman who was like a surrogate mother to me in high school, that they were angry that I dared have more education than my sister-in-law and that I had to go. She died in October of '10. My in-laws didn't attend her wake. I was left comforting her daughters. We all went to the funeral the next morning and those people just glared at me. It was embarassing; being glared at during my friend's funeral.
Of course, things got violent after '00. He flew into rages. He started getting bizarre about money. The lies and violence got progressively worse with each passing year. The only thing that keeps the problems away is....staying away and not talking.
I'm scared now.
There is a new Divorce Reduction/Reform law being proposed will force us to divorce fairly quickly before going into effect. He agreed to that today but said that he has an ulterior motive. He wants to fix our relationship after the divorce. Upon further questionning, I learned that he thinks he can divorce me, keep the house and ask me to stay to help him with the kids.
Oh, damn...he thinks he gets to keep the house without sharing the equity with me. This is going to be a fight ready to happen. Guess who brought the money into the marriage that paid for the down payment on the house? It was not him. In fact, I used my inheritance to pay off his credit cards.
I'm scared.
Religion isn't a good thing when people don't get in deep enough to read what they spout.
Yes....God hates divorce.
Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
So, for my Christian buddies who are telling me God would want me to put up with the abuse and stay married, hidden up in my bedroom while the man I'm married to lives in the basement apartment....
I submit to you that he's already divorced me, short of giving me the certificate...
1 Corinthians 7:3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
When all hell broke loose, I was a Christian and he an unbeliever. This passage may or may not apply now. I am starting to question the Christian faith too much, I may be one of those pagan people that they would stone to death for breathing.
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.
So...if the man is going to leave and not going to be with you, you have no duty to put up with the fighting. God hates divorce and violence....
And, the Bible addresses other minimal standards of care, too.
Exodus 21:10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights.
I don't know if there is another woman....but in this situation I find access to food, clothing and other things impossible. It is my responsibility to remedy that.
Exodus 21:11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.
This is the one that gets to me. If I leave, I may be on the hook to support him. It doesn't matter if there was violence. It doesn't matter if he refused to allow me to work, spent the money I brought into the marriage, spent our savings and our retirement. The law gives him financial remedies if he fights hard enough for them.
The point to this post is that he's already divorced me in the Biblical sense of the word. We just don't have the funds to divorce via the government. I need to get that certificate.
This is why it pisses the hell out of me that Christian lawmakers want me to live by Biblical law. It only applies where they want it to apply. They don't understand that they are forcing me into the poorhouse by asking me to stay with someone who doesn't want to support me but wants me to stay home and wait on him hand and foot.
There will be a day when he decides to replace me with a younger model...what then? Do I pay him alimony and eat dirt?
It would appear that lawmakers want to make me wait another year to get the man in the basement to decide what he wants. I sleep alone. For over a decade, I've cried myself to sleep at night. I've asked him what he wants. He won't answer. The new law will force me to wait another year before filing for divorce. Another year of fighting....another year of tears.
Five years of sleeping alone. Five years of wondering why I'm not pretty enough for him, why I'm not good enough for him. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I broken?
I'm hurt.
I'm sad.
Now, the government tells me that my role as wife is garbage. I have to work at a job thirty hours a week to please the government. That sounds okay by me until my estranged spouse and I fight about it. If the government wanted me to live by a Biblical standard, they would want me to submit to the headship of my spouse, wouldn't they?
Either our lawmakers respect the Bible or they do not. Don't give me that half-hearted crap about staying married because the Bible tells me to do that. He's already left. I don't intend on getting married again, so I don't see any hurry to divorcing unless, of course, things get scary and I need to leave.
If things get scary again, the last thing I want is to wait a year to fix the problem.
I want peace.
I don't think the Bible is giving permission for lawmakers to force women to stay with abusive and neglectful men.
I'm seriously sickened by the way lawmakers let Romans go to their heads.
Romans 13:1 Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
This is why I question Christianity now. I may love Jesus as a historical/archetypal figure but mankind has perverted his message to suit their societies and justify their abuse of women and children.
I wish it would stop.
Love,
Former Rev. S.
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