Pissy Missy

I'm frustrated. 

Today I learned that if I stay here to help my ex with childcare, I will NEVER hold a job or have a career. 

He's not really supporting me.  I don't have health insurance.  I don't have a retirement account.  I don't get a stipend.  I basically live here as a nanny that works in exchange for rent. 

In late December, I found a lovely office.  The day I went in to sign the lease, my ex told me that he had a day job working twelve hours a day from 4:00 am to 4:00 p.m.   In reality, he was leaving at 3:00 a.m. and coming home around 8:00 p.m.

I've never seen his paychecks, so I don't know if these are his hours.  Yeah, I know...that is a tell-tale sign of an affair but, sadly, I don't believe that is what is going on.  I'd probably applaud him for finding someone willing to play with him and feel less guilty about leaving if he had someone on the side. 

I'm just angry that I have to rearrange my schedule at his whimsy.  I feel like such a flake to have to pull out of committments.  I'm actually stopped making them in recent weeks. 

He promised me things would stabilize enough so that I could work from 5:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. and he promised to be here with the kids.  I know I can work a few hours during the day when the kids are in school from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. but that is only when school is in session.  I want to be able to work hours that are stable year round. 

As I arranged to sign the lease in early-January, understanding that his hours would stabilize.  It wasn't long after that he told me that I needed to be here at night so he could work between 3:00 p.m. and 3:00 a.m.  I didn't get any notice.  He just told me that I needed to be here. 

So, in an attempt to accommodate him, I didn't sign the lease and let the office go to someone else. 

Yesterday, he returned to day hours.  He stated that he would work from 4:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., leaving me free to work from an office at night.  I found a new office yesterday and as I prepared to sign the lease I learned...

that as of today his hours are now 4:00 p.m. to 4:00 a.m. and he expects me to be here at night until further notice.

I'm frustrated as heck. 

When in the world can I begin to make commitments to employers or clients? 

I can't, can I?  If I have to work my life around his and he has no clue what he's doing...I'm basically screwed. 

He is so damn fickle! 

Then it gets worse. 

The locks are broken on a prominent door at the house.  So, now I'm stuck in a house that is open to thieves.  I grew up in a ghetto, so I'm good at pushing furniture in the way of doors that don't have locks.  People can still rip off my stuff from the patio but at least I found a way to keep people from entering the main living area. 

But still, I'm here...alone...with three kids in an unlocked house all night long. 

What do I need a man for? 

Protection? 

Maybe I need to start sleeping with a Louisville Slugger. 

And, it gets even worse. 

His car died. 

I don't like him driving it anyway because he broke the seat due to his ever-expanding girth. 

But now it fails to start.  It shakes like mad.  The heater doesn't work. 

And it smells...

Guess whose car he's using?

So, now...I'm stuck in a house that is open to thieves without any real transportation to get any of us out of here should I not feel safe. 

Why can't he be more responsible?

Why can't he do basic car maintenance? 

Why can't he really help me repair the door so I don't wake up every time it sounds like it is opening?

What I need is access to my own money, so I can get a car, fix the lock and hire my own nanny. 

Crap, man....I need a wife!!!
I'm frustrated and hurt.  I don't have money for childcare and have to find a way out of the meetings and speeches I set up to do this week. 

I got another offer to give a speech at a local university.  I'm going to give that one to my competitors.

I average five referrals a week to other people in my field just because I don't know when I can schedule with them!!   At $150 per hour, that's a lot of dough.

What do I do? 

The worst part of it all is that he acts so darn innocent.  It's not his fault that he hasn't changed the oil in his car for five years.  It's not his fault that his schedule keeps changing.  It's not his fault that the lock has broken and it can't be fixed. 

That may be true -but-

It's my fault I'm still here. 

My political Christian friends did a number on me.  They made me feel guilty for trying to leave and asked me to consider staying here for the children. 

I did....I've overstayed my welcome for nearly four years!  

However, staying here for the sake of children keeps me in an impossible situation.  This man is not taking care of me.  I can't take care of myself (e.g. hold a job, save for retirement, earn money and health insurance). 

It is irresponsible to stay in this situation for the sake of the children. 

Trying to do what's best for everybody will leave me with nothing.  There has to be a limit to selflessness.  I can't be the only one trying to work as a member of a team. 

I'm hurting. 

Love,

S.