Fretting

I spent the day doing boring stuff....

cleaning,

recording,

taking down the Christmas tree,

making dog biscuits,

and fretting....

lots and lots of fretting. 

And, not the good kind of fretting.   I left the guitars in their cases. 

I ate 50 cookies today.  I'm so angry at me. 

Okay, maybe it wasn't 50...it was more like five or six. 

At 110 calories a pop, they will stick on my hips for a lifetime. 

Damn...

I eat sugar when I worry. 

I can sense something in the air. 

I know....

I have this horrible feeling my in-laws are going to call over here asking me to take on elder-care duties for them; cooking, cleaning, butt wiping, and daycare. 

I can't do that because I've got to find a way to increase my income due to their son's bad behavior. 

I took care of my elderly grandfather.  I took in my grand-aunt.  I helped my best friend's mother when she got old and frail (until my friend was able to move in).  I have two elderly aunts of my own. 

What is my responsibility to my ex's parents? 

The ones that lie about me. 

I don't know. 

I'll figure it out.

I'm thinking 5% of my income.  I do give 10% of it to a local food bank but maybe...I need to keep it close to home. 

Or, I could just wait to see if they ask again. 

They asked in 1997.  I asked my ex to put aside 10% of our income to support his parents. 

He refused. 

So, being a snot, I steered him towards houses with basement apartments.  Ha! 

My thinking was that mother would always have a place to go. 

I never anticipated the day when she would slander me so much, it would anger him.  I never thought we'd have an issue so big that he'd end up living in that basement apartment. 

Damn....

They asked again in '99.  I'd help them as much as I could. 

In '00, they started demanding that I cook family meals for holidays, drop off the food, and leave.  The expectation was that my spouse stay.  He was pissed. 

I agreed to their demands, thinking that it would free my holidays so I could volunteer at the downtown mission.  Then, my mother in-law ran around screaming that I 'considered the homeless to be [my] family' - not them!' 

It doesn't matter what I do....I'm going to be in the dog house.

Apparently, they were mad that I offered a vehicle to his destitute brother.  The car was used; he wanted a new one.  I couldn't afford to buy him a new car.   

One day, they told my husband that he couldn't attend any family functions until he ditched me.  They've held true to that, too. They withhold information about every wedding, funeral, holiday dinner, graduation, and birth.   With every passing ocassion, my ex's eyes get angier. 

It's just a matter of time before he swats me into a wall*.

They gave their ultimatum on Christmas '00.  Without a word, he walked out on me.  He came back, two days later, and refused to talk to me. 

We've never been the same. 

His family started stalking us, harassing our neighbors, and leaving threatening messages on the answering machine. 

They were asked to stop and offerred family counseling.  In response, his parents sent a letter disowning him. 

That really made our relationship much better....not. 

We've been basically living apart since '01. 

Since then, I've fielded numerous calls from his relatives claiming that I've broken numerous laws: they claim I've harassed his mother, came to the house to threaten them, abuse children and so on and so forth.  They also claim that I've hypnotized their son so that he won't speak to them.

Yet, I can't hypnotize him to pick up his stinky undies.....

I don't know about these souls. 

His mother called and asked for my help in '08.  She wanted me to come over daily to clean the house.  Now, I live 90 minutes away from them.  She has two other adult children.  One lives with her and the other lives in a house she bought him less than a mile away. 

She claims her children won't help her, so I need to do it. 

I can't.  The last time I tried to give her assistance, she told everyone I threatened her.   She wanted a photo of her grandaughter (our niece).  I hired a photographer and had the photos snapped.  When I dropped them off, my mother-in-law told everyone I threatened her but couldn't remember what I said. 

I was informed that the police would become involved if I ever came over again. 

How in the heck can I come over with a mop if it will get me arrested?  I don't know...

Then, she called my ex.  He told her that he was afraid of getting arrested visiting the home. 

The topic has come up several times since then from third parties.  When I explain that I can't help her, people let it go.

The last time it was a problem was in late '10.  I attended a funeral was for a mutual friend and my in-laws, their son and daughter, even their brother and his wife just sat in the pews and glared at me.    They went outside and stood there glaring at me. 

They were so nasty at that funeral. They were so very disrespectful to my friend's memory and their behavior rattled my friend's granddaughter.  I was not impressed.   

I think they are still angry at me for not cleaning their house. 

I refused to attend the wake, as to not upset the other guests.  Apparently, the topic of 'help' was brought up to my estranged spouse.  They ended up arguing about it. 
Why is this bugging me now? 

Well...



I've decided to avoid that mess ever again. 

Still, here is the question stuck in my mind.

What is my responsibility to my estranged spouse's parents? 

I don't have any legal responsibility. 

Do I have a moral responsibility? 

This is hard. 

I asked my ex if we should file for a divorce now as to settle the question. 

He says 'no'. 

If I'm divorced, then there would be NO reasonable expectation of my taking care of them. 

I'd also be able to move on....

Maybe they'll push the issue. 

We'll see. 

When Mr. Ex realizes that time with his father is short, maybe he'll change his tune.

And I have decided, after writing this, that I cannot afford to help them at all.  They demanded that their son not allow me to work.  They and their son complained when I was in school and forced me to quit short of a Ph.D.  That was a fun time.  They (well, mostly their son) doubled my workload to keep me busy, took my vehicle, refused to help with the children and played all sorts of games with the money so I couldn't go.  I have student loans and no ability to pay them back short of the money I make when I sneak around seeing clients without their son's consent. 

So...NO!  I can't help them. 

If I could have gotten that doctorate, I'd be pulling six figures and could buy them a nurse - but- that didn't happen so....

NO!

Love ya,

S.

If you need to understand the swat in the wall thingy:
* My ex was fired from a city job in '08 due to a story his boss spread about him throwing me into a wall as we 'slept together' in the middle of the night. 

We don't share a room. 

Then, while I was running for mayor, the woman who spread that story sent me an email stating that she wanted to get rid of him because he was fat, which is illegal, and so freakin' stupid....

To this very day, I am approached by city employees who will speak to the rumor that my ex was violent towards me.  I lovingly refer to her story as my 'eating drywall.'

Now, here is the sad part of that story. 

The city lawyers tried to harass me in a deposition to get back at my ex harassing his former boss during a deposition. 

I hypnotized those f*ckin' lawyers.  A covert hypnotist can do a hell of a lot of damage in 6.25 hours.  
I hypnotized my freaky ex and yelled at his lawyer, too.  I nearly sued them but decided that running for mayor was a better way to expose their abuse. 

Don't mess with a red-headed hypnotist! 

I wasn't happy. 

I copied the transcripts of the depositions.  My meager retirement savings was raided to pay for them, so I felt freakin' entitled. 

You know why that woman said that particular lie about me? 

Her ex-husband threw her size 6 frame across a room and into a wall while they lived in Europe.  She was pregnant and had to flee to the US with her young son.   

The dear lady never worked through the trauma.  She admitted to thinking about this incident every day and NOT getting psychological help to deal with it. 

When people have unresolved trauma, they often subconsciously choose to work it out while projecting those scenes onto other people. 

When she saw people gasp in relation to me, when she saw them villify my ex, when she saw them disgusted and angry about the alleged abuse - she subconsciously could confirm that she did not deserve what happened to her. 

She didn't. 

I asked the HR manager to tell her about the EAP.  If she doesn't resolve this...only the good Lord knows what she could project onto other people and what lawsuits we taxpayers are going to have to pay for. 

If there is another lawsuit, I'm going to the press. 

It's hard to want to embarass her now - I just want to get a union into the city. 

I originally planned on posting those depositions on the internet. 

She's lucky she was honest.