Old Lady Blues

Have you ever met a rock star and not know who that person was?

Allegedly that happened to me. 

I know a lot of agents.  For a time, I had a huge list of online contacts and agents would send me promos, songs and pics of up and coming musicians to share with my list. 

One day, they sent me a link to a song from a beautiful young lady....

I was enamoured from the moment she sang that first note. 

She had a familiar voice. 

It's strong, like Patsy Cline's.  

Her voice is fun like that of Belinda Carlisle.

She's energetic and liberating, like Pink.

She had all the qualities of women I admire, rolled up into one positive person. 

So...

In a public forum, I told her to keep up the good work because I know she'd eventually inspire legions of young girls to live the lives of their dreams. 

I knew she was destined to be a superstar!!!

She said I was charming. 

My teenage daughter won't let me get over the fact that this beautiful woman, with the amazing voice, sings a song I play all the time when I'm by myself.  This songs speaks to me.  When I hear it, I remember the half-grin the forty year old version of my high school sweetheart has when he's thinking thoughts he won't share. 

Some things are the same at sixteen as they are at forty.  When gets randy, he grins.  I always look at him and say "what?" in a long, drawn-out soft tone. 

To which, he always replies to with a quickened, sing-song "nothing".

He won't share his feelings.  I pushed the man away because grappling with my feelings is difficult to do around him.   God always allowed him in my life when I'm unable to do those things that feel natural.  Why is that? 

The truth is that I'm no longer his muse. 

Yet, he's still mine. 

I should have told him what he means to me -but- I know he wants skinny, young, beautiful, cellulite free and refined.  I'm chunky, curvy in the wrong places, old, prunish, dimpled, and part-nympho.   Well, I don't know what he wants...I just know that something made him leave me after I mentioned a scholarship back in the day. 

I was so heart-broken, that music scholarship didn't mean anything anymore.  I realized that love was the most important thing in the world and decided to stay in the city to care for my elderly grandfather. 

My worst memory is a spring morning at a bus stop.  I still have to drive by that place once a month or so and each time it reduces me to tears.  I remember that spring day, two weeks after he left me.  I felt him approach me.  I turned, looked up and saw that he'd been crying. 


I could feel the love drip off of him.  I could feel his regret.  I knew he left for a reason, I must have hurt him somehow.  On that bright sunny day, I remember feeling sick at seeing him in so much pain and I swore up and down I'd never do that to him again. 

If I don't get too close, I can't hurt him ever again.

I can't risk telling him that he's loved.  It's no big secret.  Everyone can see it....well....maybe not him.

I can love him with my art. 


I can love him when I pray for his happiness after drinking my shot of vodka and taking my little sleeping pill that usually helps keep the dreams of him away.

It's a selfish delusion to think I have the right to burden him with my feelings. 

I listen to this song and tell myself that I screwed up and need to suck it up.  Maybe in our next lifetime we can fix what I unraveled. 

It helps...a little. 

As much as this song speaks to me and as much as I'd love to meet the singer some day;  I am holding out hope that the woman I conversed with really wasn't named Katy....it will save my ego to believe that the person was an impersonator. 

Still, I will always be a big fan of any woman that inspires my daughters to live their lives in the manner best for them.  

Katy Perry Rocks! 

Love ya,

S.