Angries

I'm still averaging between two to four hours of sleep a night. 

I'm in pain and a little angry.

I joined an online support group for women stuck in dead sexless marriages to 500 pound men. 

I can't log in anymore.  The more other people bitch, the more my attention is focused on the painful aspects of my life and the more of the crap I see. 

It was helpful, though. 

I thought I was the only person who couldn't bear to take care of her own business.  It makes me cry. 


I thought, as a hypnotist, all I had to do was hypnotize myself to get a big 'o'.  It worked when he was 350 pounds and things weren't fun....maybe I could do it all alone. 

So...I triggered the big 'o' and immediately started to cry because I felt lonely.  It is a feeling that is hard to explain but it is far worse than waking up alone in the winter.  I found it easier just to drink a shot of vodka than to let myself feel anything. 

This is why I choose celibacy. 

Apparently that is quite common for women whose guys won't even try, even if they love the man. 

It hit me last night.

He stopped trying eleven years ago. 

That's why he got fat.

That's why he stopped talking to me.

That's why we sleep apart.
That's why he stopped planning for our financial future. 

That's why he complains when I try to hold a real job.

He doesn't care.

I thought he wanted a divorce but now he doesn't.   He's been promising to help me fund one since '08 but his promises are falling flat.  He now wants me to stay. 

He doesn't want a real relationship with me.  He wants a nanny. 


If I stay, I will never be warm in the middle of the night.  I will never find anyone to meet my needs.  Can I really do that to myself?  Can I deny who I am just so a guy can have on demand daycare?


So, I tried talking to him today and he did the shrugging his shoulders thing. 

Why am I putting up with this? 

I don't know if I dare go into the socio-political-economic forces that put women into these situations or if I should just single one moron out for a bitch fest. 

Let me single someone out!

I'm singling out Newt Gingrich.  Newt...that's a good name for a slimy reptile.  His last name works, too!  If you say it fast enough, it comes out Grinch!  He's a greedy, slimy, disgusting, hypocritical little man!

This is why Gingrich is what is wrong with Conservative America...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/marianne-gingrich-newts-ex-wife-says-he-wanted-open-marriage/2012/01/19/gIQAJzgwAQ_story.html


Seriously...

Newt Gingrich parades around in his cloak of family values.  He believes children need two parents, a husband who works a full-time job and a pregnant and barefoot servant at home.

Gingrich does not believe in equal pay because women shouldn't work - they should stay home with their kids and be good little uncompensated slaves.  If we paid women for the work they do, they wouldn't want to stay home and cater to the public school system!  They wouldn't volunteer!  We need to treat them as a permanent underclass of reserve workers, so we can threaten the men should they form unions.  Yep, that is the real reason women are discriminated against, we are the reserve workforce necessary to maintain the status quo of capitalism!

What if the husband dies or leaves?  Too bad for the stay-at-home slave for now she must work outside of the home!  Yeppers! 

What if she doesn't have skills or the jobs aren't available?

Well...she goes into workfare and works 30 hours a week for the meager benefits the government provides which will give her a net wage of about $1 per hour (maybe more if she has several children).  Will these jobs help her find work?  NO!  These jobs are the same ones she was doing for free when she was a stay-at-home mom.  The problem, this time, is they will take time away from any educational or professional opportunities that come her way.

The next time I see my state reps, I'm going to ask why they don't pay workfare people minimum wage.  That would be the best way to help them off welfare -and- stop taking jobs away from high school graduates.  Workfare and prison labor are stealing jobs from our economy and driving down wages for everyone else. 

And this little troll wants to do the same thing to orphans.  Yep, little girls like me were supposed to go into homes like the one in 'Boystown'.  Gingrich envisioned sweatshops where little orphans would slave away and eat at the wages of union workers.  Sweetie - orphans who aren't cunning have men go downtown for in exchange for a place to stay: Girls and boys found themselves used sexually in exchange for basic survival tools like a bed or a meal.  I spent my teenage years taking in such kids.  Social services...they won't help.  They are a joke.  If I had a nickel for every freakin' social worker that ignored me, I'd run for Congress.  .

One idiotic social worker sent a 14 year old girl back home to her parents in a city two hours away.    She ran away because her father was molesting her.  Rather than let her continue to sleep with men who had lord knows what, she stayed with me before the social workers sent her back home.  She committed suicide six months later.  The government doesn't care. 

Why am I so hard on Gingrich?  Because he's one of those f*ckers

Think about it...he marries someone, has kids with her, starts sleeping around and leaves her for another woman. 

What does he need that law to pass to make it harder for him to leave his third wife?  Is he worried he's going to continue to be an ass? 

NO...that would assume he has compassion.  He clearly doesn't.
He's proof that women should never give up their careers to make homes for men.  There is no point in making the investment, men will squander it and leave the woman and her children fighting to survive.   The government won't be there for you. 

In the end, we are on our own. 



When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving - we leave.

For me right now, the pain is unbearable.

Love,

S.

Edit:  I figured out what's going on.  It took an older lady to tie it together for me. 

He is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA).  When his parents starting meddling, he freaked out and became ultra controlling.  In fact, anything his parents wanted - they got - usually from me and usually to keep the peace within my own household.

That explains all of those crazy expectations my in-laws had of me: preparing holiday dinners but not being invited to join the festivities, cleaning their homes, babysitting their nieces, nephews, and grandchildren, and now they have an expectation that I will provide elder care. 

His parents never gave him time and attention.  They were never there for him, thus, it appears that he expects me to fill in the emptiness caused by his upbringing.  I have to be here at all costs, all of the time.  I have to cater to his every whim.  I cannot get my own needs met - or else he rages. 

I guess this is common. 

He did go to ACOA meetings, but his boss at the city found out and thought they were meetings for abusers (as per info given to me by members of the staff) and started to slander my ex and myself.  She claimed he beat me.

For 17 of the 20 years we've been together, the abuse has been financial and emotional.  He has come close to hitting me.  Recently, it has come to blows but I grew up homeless and can fight back.  It didn't get violent until after his former boss blamed me for getting my ex fired (due to my master's degree and what not...I still don't get my connection there).  Because of her slander, he quit the meetings and has been a more difficult to live with.  I should sue the city the next time someone says something to me about it - that'll teach them to support this type of crap.  I have a year from the last time someone mentions the slander to file a lawsuit.  It's ongoing. 

It probably doesn't help to know that his bosses were alcoholics, too.  I have no clue what that triggered.

The weight gain is due to his fear of intimacy. 

The lying is due to his fear of telling me the truth: rather he says what he thinks I need to hear in order to feel safe.  His parents would beat him if he didn't say what they needed to hear.

The ambivalence about our relationship is common.  People who are ACOAs often leave relationships and return, or they claim to want the relationship and then waffle.  I've been going through this our entire relationship.  The first time he left me was in '93, over something his sister said but I didn't think too much of it at the time. 

The frequent changes in his schedule, which make it hard for me to do anything, is due to the rule changes he grew up with.  There was no consistency in his home.

It happened again yesterday.  I was scheduled to give a speech tonight -but- at the last moment I was told that I needed to stay here to watch the kids because his work schedule changed.  No matter what I do...it gets messed up.  I don't feel like I can escape. 

There's more...but I really can't stay.  It's that feeling in the middle of the night that hurts more than anything in the world.  The realization that I am worth nothing and that all of my efforts here are futile.  It is the realization that if I stay here, I will never find anyone who will get close.  I will never find comfort, warmth or companionship.  I fear that feeling more than I fear anything else. 

When I first began giving speeches, I told myself that it was easier to get booed by a crowd of 500 people than it was to cry on my pillow all night long. 

It is gut wrenching.  I'd rather be living in my broken down mini-van.

That is the thought that will force me to run back to my divorce lawyer.  I just need $3000 more.

The dumbest thing I ever did was let him come back. The second dumbest thing I did was give up my practice to help him with the kids.


I thought we could work together for the sake of the kids, as it is the most practical approach given the current financial crisis.  I was wrong. 

I can't deal with the pain. 

Basically, he'll never change unless he gets help.  I can't wait around for him to grow up. 

If I told you how I'm living, you'd be shocked.

I'm pretty angry with myself.  Before we married, I had a ton of therapy but didn't request the same from him.  I still didn't want to get married and I still didn't want to have kids.  I did the dumbest thing imaginable.  I had myself hypnotized by a licensed therapist to get over it! 

That was dumb...I should have trusted my instincts.


I'll pray for answers.  I overstayed my welcome because I feel sorry for him.  I know it's stupid.  I realize now that I probably shouldn't be making him a priority anymore until he makes me one. 

I am not my happy self.  I am getting bitter and angry.  I wish I could find a way to leave.  It's not selfish...it's survival. 


Love ya,

S.