Maybe an answer...

The nightly dreams of my high school sweetheart started on November 5, 2006. 

They came in with a bang. 

I would dream of meeting him at a local fair and having him ask me for a relationship.  I'd tell him that I was married and we walked off so I could find my husband and introduce them. 

In my dreams, we never found my husband.  He always left me stranded. 

All the while, my stereo would mysteriously go off playing some music circa 1985.   Each night, I'd end up pulling the plug on some electronic radio after waking up from a dream.   The dreams usually took place around 3:33 or 4:44 in the morning. 

Then, the nightmares came. 

I'd see him fighting with a woman; they were hitting each other.  I saw them in a car crash.  I saw him break his leg but couldn't help him.  It was like, I was a ghost watching him writhe in pain. 

I'd usually sit straight up and scream his name.   When I was awake, I really wasn't sure who the man in my dream was...but while sleeping..it was always his name I'd scream. 

Sometimes it was "Oh, no Tom!"  or "Oh, no...not again....TOM!" 

I woke up the man in the basement.  He probably is pissed I wasn't screaming his name. 

There was an old man named Michael Finnegan...

hmmm.....that just doesn't work when shrieking in terror, does it?  Poor Mikey. 

Anyway...

Now, after awhile, I'd wake up the entire house screaming Tom's name.  It became a running joke.  So, after a while, when I regained my composure, I'd break out into a RUSH song as to cover my tracks.

Modern Day Warrior, mean mean stride. 

It's still a running joke in my family.  I get Rush CDs for Christmas.  My friends are asked to play this for me at gigs.   For years, my ex breaks out giggling whenever this plays when I am around. 

Catch the mystery, catch the drift

I don't understand men.

I do have a friend who knows an astrologer who explained what the holy hell is going on. 

Apparently, November 5th is a significant day for Scorpios because Saturn has entered Scorpio for the first time since the mid-eighties. 

Seriously...

Starting November 5th, 2012 - five years after the dreams started, Scorpios get to clean out the bad relationship of their past on a metaphysical level.  She said that Saturn moves into Scorpio and lets the November guys clean out all their bad relationship karma since the mid-eighties. 

He doesn't have bad karma with me but whatever....if he did, he should be squeaky clean now. 

Right???

At least as far as I know. 

Praise the lord.  Hallelujah! 

Okay, not so fast.  I was told he has to learn to accept us crazy wacko chickies as we are. 

He didn't like Siegfred in the mid-eighties.  I wanted to try out as a bass player in an all male band. 
My old flame threw a fit.  I didn't audition due to his worries that I'd become, as he termed it, ' a hole in the band'. 

I started my career much later.  As much as I dislike country music, I found myself as a back-up bassist in a country band as I thought it was a way to get experience and earn my chops.  They were a pretty big deal.  They had some airplay and opened for George Jones.  

I had to stop hanging out in the smoky bars in which they played though.  I had undiagnosed asthma and couldn't breathe around all that smoke.  My lips would turn blue and I'd run outside gasping for air.  I had constant sinus infections.  Tired of being sick and taking tons of antibiotics, I gave up on my music career circa 1992.   I found psychotherapy and whip sales much easier pursuits. 

There were other problems in our relationship, too. 

I was psychic and, well...knowing in advance that people were going to kick the bucket is probably a weird trait in a girlfriend.  I saw my dad's suicide.  My dad's death made me homeless.  I got my own apartment and was afraid to let him know.  I also was set to graduate one year earlier than he and granted into a music program across the state.   I knew we would break up. 

I kinda freaked out and he wanted to save me.

It couldn't have worked.   I had a lot of faults and he spoiled me to the point of becoming high maintenance.  Breaking up was the best thing he did for himself.    

So...if he's got karma coming to him...he ought to buy a lotto ticket because he'll have a good shot of winning something. 

The astrologer said that accepting the bad relationships and the craziness of the past isn't enough...

Nope...  

He's got a much harder task. 

He's got accept himself, just as he is and understand he's a pretty cool dude. 

Even if he stalks his exes online because he worries about them. 

Even if he pretends to rate us in terms of how happy he is that we are gone because he still gives a damn...

I get it. 

I don't understand why I feel him when he's near.  I don't understand why I dream of him before he shows up.  I don't understand why I'm so darn connected to this dear soul who doesn't want a damn thing to do with me. 

Do I need to fix the karma on my end? 

I thought I did that. 

If so, when does this end so I can stop missing him? 

Hmmmm....

I didn't get an answer. 

Happy new year Tom Sawyer! 

It may be the beginning of happier times!


Love,

S.

P.S.  Oh, one more thing...



It brings back feelings. 

Superficiality pisses him off. 

One of those deep things is a mention of wanting to do something greater than himself.  He started to talk about helping others last time we met, then the crowd got loud and I couldn't hear him.  I asked him to repeat himself because I am losing my hearing but the conversation turned to how sorry he was that I was going deaf and that I always did like my music loud.

I missed what he said.  I regret that.  

So, Tom...

Whatever it is...the astrologer says you need to do it.

I'll help!!

Around 2007, I dreamt of a charity you started. 

In my dream, you were sixty years old.  You still had hair (I know that is important to you).  You were standing next to a piece of machinery.  There were apples.  There were boxes. 

We were packing the boxes with a ton of other volunteers. 

When we were done, you were so happy.  You gave me a big hug.  It felt like Christmas - not the kind of Christmases I have now with Drama Kings who like to cause trouble...the kind I had as a child with wonder, and faith, and love. 

I couldn't see what we were packing into those boxes.
I only remember that you said you enjoyed doing it "for the children". 

If you truly want to start a charity to help kids, count me in.  I've spent far too much time with greedy politicians in the past three years and want to spend time helping people who do not help themselves by taking money from the poor. 

I yearn for something less...icky...

Let me know what you're up to the next time the universe sticks us in the same room.  If you need my help, we'll find each other in an elevator or something when the time is right. 

Happy 2012!

S.