Cold New Day

So...

I found an office and am close to signing a one year lease.  I don't know if it is wise to use the little amount of money I made online to rent an office or to put towards a divorce. 

I spoke to the man in the basement.  He says wants to try to rekindle our relationship. 

I don't know how.

When I tried to talk to him about his expectations and figure out the logistics of playing homemaker to him and having my own business, he just stared off into space.  When I mentioned divorce, he yelled. 

I stay with him because he can't handle the kids.
I don't make enough money to support them on my own.

Here's the rub....

For years, I thought I was sexually broken.  I don't want to go into logistics but sex is difficult given our current situation. You'd have to be in this situation to understand.  I've spoken to other women married to 500+ lb men and, yes, they have the same problems in the sack.

I'm not frigid.  The weight makes it frustrating. I'm a very creative person and that is probably what made the relationship last as long as it did....but even creativity is limited to the laws of physics.

I also understand the psychology of sex. 

Men need sex to feel close to women.  Women need communication to feel close to men.  The problems started when he stopped talking to me (something to do with a tiff between him and his mommy back in '01).  If women service men they tend to talk and vice versa. 

With this in mind, should a woman wanted to stop the "No Sex=No Communication" cycle, all she has to do is screw the guy. 

What if she can't give it to him in a manner that is mutually fulfilling?

I'm seriously trying to figure out where I stand and what needs to happen in order to do right by everyone here.

Here's the deal. 

The man weighed 350 pounds when we met.  He had a 42" waist. 

He was my friend.  I didn't know he had feelings for me.  When he admitted them, my family told me to stay away because of his weight.  I was a recovering anorexic and they were afraid his weight would trigger my illness.  It didn't.  His family told me to stay away because of his hygiene; they said that I needed to get away because of my OCD.  They were afraid his germs would destroy my teeth and my health - as if I never had exposure to germs or anything.   His mother and sister can make me laugh like no one else can.  Like kissing him will make my teeth fall out!! 

After some thought, I gave into the idea of dating him.  Love is blind I said.  I can love the person despite his appearance I said. 

Maybe I was wrong.

We've spent thousands of dollars on diets.  I started cooking vegetarian meals, replaced milk with tofu, used fake butter and all that.  He got down to 320 pounds. 

Then, I found empty "Little Debbie" box in his car.  I found a lot of them!

So, I started making baked goods, subsitituing the flour with soy protien powder (it can be done but one has to add a lot more liquid ingrediants to make up for the dryness). 

He still bought the snack cakes. 

I'm frustrated. 

He now has a 54" waist.  I will NOT go into the difficulties his weight is presenting.  He is well over 500 pounds. 

He refuses to buy life insurance.  We do not have health insurance. 

I don't understand how this is a good place to be. 

How can I afford to stay?  This is a fiscally dangerous situation. 

It is also emotionally frustrating. 

Last week I learned the hard way that I can't sleep with him.  He can't sleep with me. 

He wanted to try to work it out.  I let him and it didn't go so well. 

I learned that we could never share a bedroom. 

I remember those days when we shared a bed and he was so heavy, I'd roll into the center of it in the middle of the night.  I quickly learned to grab the edge of the bed on my side when I slept. 

I still wake up clutching the side of the bed.  I've slept alone since '07.

I bought a new pillow last night thinking that would ease my pain. 

It felt nice but I broke down in tears.  Now, crying in the middle of the night is nothing new.  I've done it for over ten years. 

It doesn't seem fair to be alone for so long.  Maybe I'm being a baby but....something seems off. 

How does he expect that we can we ever have a marriage?

How does one honor her marital vows with a man who calls himself her ex? 

How does one honor her marital vows with a man she cannot get close with?

How can I invest in a man who will not invest in me?   What if he won't invest in himself?

A life without intimacy seems lacking.  It is a hard to stomach the thought that I may never have sex in a conventional way for the rest of my life. 

We are either headed for a divorce or the marriage will end when his weight kills him.  I, personally, would rather divorce than watch him die from his weight.

Then, comes the question that triggered this entire thought process, should I bother investing in a business that will most likely be stolen from me in a divorce? 

Decisions.....decisions.....decision...

I know he needs time but I can't keep doing this.  As selfish as this sounds, this isn't a marriage and I don't want to keep living this way. 

He has to try, doesn't he? 

He doesn't owe me anything.  What do I owe him? 

This is hard. 



Is that even possible at my age? 

I don't know. 

Love,

S.