The Lies We Tell

So....

I had a drunken epiphany at 2:00 in the morning. 

The teenager pulled a fast one. 

Oh...crap....she pulled a really fast one. 

She didn't have school today. 

Why? 

Well, it was parent teacher conference time. 

I never was notified. 

Her Dad knew nothing about it. 

She hid the forms. 

I confronted her.  She denied everything.  She has her father's skill for lying. 

She claimed that she didn't know what I'm talking about. 

I'm just paranoid. 

First, she said there were no conferences. 

Then, she said she lost the form. 

Losing my patience, I corrected her.  The way I see it, she must have a lot of F's that she's afraid of letting me know about. 

This is an ongoing issue.  I want the school to hold her back a year but her teachers refuse. 

She needs to learn to be honest.  She needs to learn to respect her teachers and her parents. 

She needs to learn that lying doesn't help anything. 

We started talking about lying.

I'm a liar.  I lie to myself all the time. 

I lie to everyone else all the time, too. 

My lies are

"I'm okay."

"I'll be fine tonight."

"I don't love you anymore."

"I don't love him anymore."

"I'm not interested in developing any relationship with a member of the opposite sex."

"Mike and I are happy living here for the sake of the children."

"Mike is easy to live with and I can do this another ten years."

"I like sleeping alone because I can wear a whole range of beauty products to bed without explaining myself."

"I like being a mesmerist, so I don't want to earn my state licensure."

"I like being a size twelve."

"Women don't want or need sex."

"If it were a perfect world, I'd be a vegan (uh....if I had what I wanted, I would ingest an animal by-product more often than I care to admit)."

"I truly believe that staying here is the right thing to do (while omitting my regret that kids won't see a happy relationship and that it kills me that the eldest is trapped in the same type of relationship with an obese and irresponsible man who is trying to get her to quit school....what did I teach her to put up with?  Damn....)."

"I like whips (while my dislike of hitting horses with them always allows the animal to control the ride and I am rarely on the actual trail)."

I lie to myself all the time. 

Some truths are never meant to be shared but do I have the right to complain about a child copying what she sees happening around her? 

Maybe I need to start being more honest with myself. 

I'm in pain. 

It is unbearable. 

I work out an hour a day in order to get rid of my angries.  If I miss my workout, I get mad at myself and go out of my way to avoiding eating.  The more elaborate meal I make for everyone else in the house, the angrier I am at myself and the less likely I will be to eat any of it. 

I want a job.  I want my business back. 

I miss intimacy.  I'm alone and afraid to get involved with another person for fear of hurting him. 

I hate politics so much.  I was raised by a Cherokee and told to honor nature.  When I go hiking, I do pick up various pieces of garbage and haul it out of the park.  I want to volunteer with the city next week cleaning up our open space but fear having my reputation as an a-hole government hating loony ruined by a reporter with a camera. 

My entire life is one big lie. 

That's the truth. 

Hmmmmmm......

Maybe I'll try harder to be honest when I'm one on one with the people I love and trust. 

Maybe...

My body language always gives me away. 

Some lies must be told to keep the peace. 

I don't know. 

I'll ponder it. 

Love ya,

S.


Edit:

Well....when I saw her father this evening, I told him that I didn't understand the compulsive lying thing as I'm the type of person to tell people to suck rocks and eat dirt. 

I rarely hold things back.   

He sat down with her and got to the root of the problem. 

Shame. 

People in his family lie when they are ashamed. 

She has no reason to be ashamed of her grades. 

Then I overheard him tell her that I'm an expert in the soft sciences, psychology, social science, anthropology, geology, religion, history, and politics. 

He's a math and science whiz, so her bases are covered. 

He complimented me. 

He actually complimented me. 

There are days when I simply wish things between us could heal....that he could finish up his inner journey and find his way back to me

but...it's time to return back to this pseudo-reality. 

This blog is half lies...half the truth. 

When I hear gossip about myself, I write about it as though it were true.  Maybe I'm hoping to create a fictional character out of it.   The problem, though, is that people don't appreciate getting made fun of and the gossips are giving me less and less material as time goes by. 

There are times when I find this 'character' coming out in my daily life.  There are times when I write this thing and find that it inspires a scheme of sorts to come into being.  It's weird getting into this character. 

I figure that Seigfred must be my alter ego of sorts, my shadow....the bitchy little witchy that wants to seduce filthy, nasty, powerful men and tear all their a**'s into little, tiny, stinky bits.   

And then tithe to the nearest church and beg for forgiveness.  

There is not need to attack idiots...they are usually pretty good at messing up their plans all on their own. 

If I had just one dollar for every person that said I was positive, thoughtful, and sickly sweet....the soup kitchen would be doing just fine....in real life, I am said to be sweet.

Sweet......

until you piss me off. 

Love ya.

S.