Lonely Tonight

I'm now a size ten and, luckily, managed to keep my 36Ds without having them hang down too my toes. 

I swore off blue jeans and baggy tops.  I've decided to stop dressing like a man and start dressing like a female.

I dug into my silk dress collection and fancy shoes. 

Now, the man in the basement is in love. 

At least he says he is...for now.  I don't know. 

He follows me around in public.  He grabs at me.  He's tried to kiss me. 

It feels weird. 

The last time he went to a bar with me, another guy tried to take me home and he didn't let up until the bartender called him a cab.  It was so awkward.  It's that freakin' obvious we don't belong together.  My ex laughs about that.  I avoid going out with him now. 

We go shopping for the kids and that is the extent of our together time. 

Now, he grabs me in public.  He's wearing a fake wedding ring. 

He bought a....a.....a....cheapy toy that....[thankfully] doesn't work from the fluffy bunny pervert shop.  I....uh...think it was meant for me. 

H..E..L..P!! 
He's a good guy....but....he doesn't understand me. 

I can't sit home and look pretty. 

I've got to do something. 

I can't do this anymore. 

I'm sad...

I've spent the past few weeks in tears. 

I don't know what to do. 

I'm avoiding sleep. 

The dreams are getting filthy and I'm feeling guilty. 

He's not the man in my dreams.

I think I know who the man in my dreams is. 

All day long I've been beating myself up for it. 

Why? 

Why do I love my childhood friend so much? 

What does he offer that I'm not getting here? 

It's not lustful.  We didn't have that kind of relationship. 

We were close. 

We weren't filthy or anything. 

We were close without being too dirty. 

Then it hit me....

I miss his friendship. 

I miss our unconditional love. 

I miss the beauty in puppy love, the devotion, the loving for the sake of loving, the listening for the sake of listening and the being together just because...

it felt comfortable. 

Maybe if I realize why I still love him....

I can figure out how to get that here so that I don't look at him with longing eyes the next time we meet.

We'll see. 

For what it is worth, I think Tom has become my crutch that keeps me honest. 

I've been hiding at home since Mike broke my heart in February.  For years, we've been talking about divorce.  He'd let me leave after he found a job.  Then he wanted me to stay until after he settled a lawsuit with the city.  Then I needed to stay until he made a living wage.  Then I had to stay until after my political run was done for good.

I promised to stay to help with the kids while he hid the money and ruined my credit without telling me.  It was a couple of bankers that clued me in to what was going on. 

I was just about to sign a lease on a new office when....the money was gone. 

If only I had left in '08 when the lies started to get bad...if only I wasn't an idiot.   I should've left in '07 when he started calling me his ex. 

It's too late for that now. 

I can't leave now. 

How will I get an apartment? 

How will I rent another office. 


I'm going to have to wait this one out.

I'm in pain.  My friends see it and two of them are pressing me to spend more time with them. 

One is a high school friend I refused to date back in the day. 

Another is a politically active pagan that I feel a kinship with. 

They have let me know they are interested.  My excuse for staying away is that I have feelings for someone else.  I never clue them into the fact that this someone else is a man who hasn't kissed me for twenty-five years, lives across the country, and any feelings he has for me are figments of my imagination. 

Still, the man in my dreams has become my excuse for not destroying my conscience. 

Perhaps, I should be thankful for the creepy dreams.  So long as he's not hanging around and knows nothing of them....what harm can they do?

They are keeping me honest. 

I am lonely. 

Sleeping alone is killing me. 

Celibacy is killing me. 

I never touched a drop of alcohol before 2008. 

I should stop drinking. 

Alcohol does help me sleep. 

It also makes me wrinkle. 

I'll try to fall asleep sometime this morning.  If the dreams are fun, I'll post as I have nothing better to do right now. 

Without a job...without a hobby....without knowing what to do next...I'm lost. 

I wish I could just see what the heck I need to do to make this better. 

I'm dying here. 
May you have a friend tonight. 

Love,

S.