Nightmares of HIM

Just when I think I'm done....

I have another nightmare of my old flame getting hurt. 

I don't know if I want to go into it on a blog....at least, not until I examine it. 

In grad school, I studied Jungian psychology and the symbolism of dreams.  This one, though, this one confuses the holy heck out of me. 

I should mention that I've been known for having pre-cognitive dreams for most of my life.  As a child, I knew what would happen because I dreamt it.  I knew my mother would die when I was fourteen because of dreams I started having when I was five years old.  I clutched onto my mother a lot while she was alive and hated being apart from her. 

There is a pattern.  If I dream of something in my twight state (right as I fall asleep or as I wake up), it tends to come true.  If it is a dream that I recall after waking up, then it tends to be more symbolic in nature.  It took me many years to figure that one out. 

The problem now, of course, is that my sleep is very broken and minimal.  I don't know if what I am seeing is pre-cognitive or symbolic.  How does one tell when she's sleeping in forty minute intervals?

Weird...eh?
The dream I had just before waking up this morning has been playing in my head, over and over and over and over today. 

On a symbolic level, I think I feel guilty for not being there for him when he was younger.  I fear I may be repeating my mistake of the past by not being there for him now. 

I fear he's in pain and alone. 
I honestly believe that my love for him is unrequited and that this is just a spiritual mid-life crisis.  If so, I did the right thing by pushing him away.  If he needs a friend, then I was wrong.  It's hard being a platonic friend to an old flame that one still has deep feelings for. 

I've spent the past three and a half-years wondering just what type of relationship I'm supposed to have with my old friend.  I'm confused.  We both believe in soul mates.  We both are struggling with defining love.  We both feel twinges of emotion that we stuff deep down inside.

This is natural......at least for us.  

This is why I pushed him away. 

I realize that I was wrong. 

I'm kicking myself. 

What the hell is going on? 

Why can't I be having nightmares of someone that I am actually with?

I mean, seriously, it would be incredibly comforting to wake up in the middle of the night to see that what you've dreamt isn't real.  To touch live skin and to hear someone breathing rather than wake up, light a candle, and pray that the other person is incredibly happy and healthy. 

I don't like my mid-life spiritual crisis. 

Why can't his lady love be the one having the nightmares.  For six years, I've prayed that these insane feelings I have for him go to the woman meant for him. 

Yet they remain with me. 

Maybe God gives them to me because I'll pray on his behalf. 

I don't know. 

I'll make sense of it....someday......hopefully. 

Love,

S.