The VD Gift

I'm cleaning out the house and found a piece of jewelry. 

I don't know if I should laugh about it or throw up. 

There is a story behind it....

It starts with a dead marriage, Valentine's Day, and a psych grad student procrastinating on EBay. 

There was a day a little over ten years ago, when I sat at a computer in his bed room putting up a website pertaining to the use of a hypnotic story to get older immigrant children to visit the dentist without stressing out. 

The story didn't work.  I'll tell you why, if you want to know.  In some cultures, especially those in which it is hard to access medical services, kids don't often see professionals prior to having severe issues.  The issues are causing them pain and the pain is stressing them out. 

The trick is to get little ones to the dentist before they develop painful issues.  That was a fun project that lead to an offer of a PhD from a university wanting to develop a hypnotic movie for patients but....my ex freaked out and I turned it down. 

I'm an idiot.  I've given up too much for this relationship.

But that's not the story. 

I was tired of writing.  I was tired of doing the photo shop artwork for the story.  I was looking for a break. 

So, I went to EBay. 

I went to the adult section of EBay. 

After a few hours of wondering why in the world a woman would want to buy stuff that causes nerve damage, I stumbled on a listing. 

Yes...I said nerve damage.  If you use stuff like that...you're messing yourself up.

But that's not the point. 

This listing was from a professed jewelry maker. 

He said he would create a piece of jewelry for one's beloved for $30.  I could select any item I wanted.  I could choose the color.  I could choose the beads, stones or materials. 

It seemed interesting.

I had a fun idea.  I ordered a leather item.  How does one describe this item politely?  Uh...we'll call it a ..rooster ring....with blue cat's eye stones. 

Now, many ingenious tribes believe that cat's eyes stones repel the evil eye.

So, I thought it would be funny to give it to my then hubby on Valentine's Day and tell him it would repel the jealousy of all those lesser endowed men who caught his trousers tenting on our trips up into the mountains. 

Three weeks later I received the package. 

It was surprisingly heavy. 

I rushed up to my room and tore open the package to find

several printed out photographs of a man modeling this custom made piece of wang jewelry. 

There were lots and lots of pictures. 

I screamed. 

Then I laughed. 

I didn't even know if I should touch the penis ornament that fell out of the package.

Mr. ex ran up from the basement, saw the pictures and started laughing, too! 

This led to a long conversation and years of getting picked on. 

He doesn't understand why I was grossed out. 

Look...the man in the pictures was a hairy mess.  I wasn't expecting illustrations. 

How does one leave Ebay feedback for that?  Oh, thanks for letting my hubby know he's huge in comparison...better than a shrink.   Or...next time, photoshop out the gray hair and I'll buy two.

My feedback was one word....interesting.  That's all I could say. 

What does one say? 

Here's the deal boys. 

Male members are not necessarily the prettiest things on the planet.  If I'm going to look at yours, it means that I love you enough to accept that as a part of you. 

If I didn't agree to love you, I don't want to see it. 

If I like you, I'll do things to make you happy, to give you pleasure, to make you feel like a king. 


If you're a stranger....uh...it isn't going to happen. 

Sorry....


To finish the story. 


My ex went out to a filthy shop and bought a couple of real ones to show me what they are.  When done right, those are awfully fun things.  The custom one stayed in a drawer in my room of all places. 

Hey...like any other gift, it is the thought that counts. 

And the most amazing part of this story, to me, is that we have an individual with a mental illness that could have hurt his ability to earn a living.  This man found a way to satisfy his disgusting urge for exhibitionism and earn a living by custom crafting jewelry.  That is what I call creative thinking. 

If only I could find a way to make money living in a white room, with white carpet, white walls and bleach and could satisfy my OCD....then I'd be all set. 

Oh...I guess I could easily find a white padded room....they are easily found in mental institutions. 

This is a story that won't die for me. 
To this very day, I get picked on about that. 

My ex says that he knows I haven't cheated on him because he knows I'll react negatively to seeing new weenies.

He doesn't understand me.  If I love, I'll play.  If I don't, I won't. 

He'd best pray I don't have time alone with a man I love.  

Better yet, he'd best work on clearing up the crap between us so I can learn to love him without several feel between us. The longer this goes on, the less likely it looks like it'll get better. 

Okay...that threat about hanging out with the guy I love is going too far. The guy I love has known about it for over twenty-five years.  Been there...done that...and learned that I'm not his type.  Thankfully, he knows enough to only meet in crowded public places with no alcohol.  

And with that...I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it. - John Lennon

This is what happened to the relationship.  One person can't keep a love alive all by herself.  I thought that fun, faithfulness, and honesty would be enough.  It isn't.  It's a tough lesson to learn. 

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  You know what I realized typing this....

it's a little sick. 

I'm always saying that all I truly wanted is one man to love for my entire life. 

I got that, didn't I? 

It just didn't isn't what I wanted it to be.  I just want the guy to be happy...near or far...with me or without...I just want him to be happy.  Healthy is nice, too but it does kill me when he plays the role of Debbie Downer....please...just...be...happy. 

I'd even hypnotize a model to jump him if I could.....

I guess that IS love. 

Kinda sick and twisted but it's still love. 

There is one guy I've loved my entire adult life, even if I've run away from him for his own good. 

Weird? 

We DO get exactly what we wish for! 

Whoa...

Freaky...