Every man is born with a guardian angel and a shaitan demon: One will guide you to heaven and the other will tempt you into hell.
- Siegfred's Great-Grandmother
(a Pentecostal Minister)
I learned today that playing house for the man in the basement means playing maid.
I told the ex about my dream of my death. I told him that it made me realize that I could very well be possibly spending the last years of my life living in severe psychic pain.
I also tried to get him to consider getting a life insurance policy on me.
He ignored me!
He didn't really ignore me per se. He started to play the Detour Downer game.
It's easy for married people to play Detour Downer. You bring up anything you can imagine and attack your spouse with it. It's a good way to avoid solving the original problem.
He'd charge with complaints about how women were stupid and that's why he won't talk to them. So, we talked about his mother and sister.
That turned into a conversation about how he has an internal voice that is causing him to say things that ruined our relationship.
Somehow that got into him admitting being sneaky with assets.
And then something about my being unable to live with him as a roommate if we cannot talk.
That got into the promise to help me leave.
And then there was a demand that I write a resume and as he put it "litter it all over town"; like my experience and education are garbage.
He doesn't know that I've been doing that. I was offered a commission only job the very day he switched hours on me and told me to stop what I was doing and cater to the kids. The next day he took my car.
I gave up the job. The lady called me this morning, maybe she's going to offer me a second chance.
Now, if only I can get a dial tone to call her back...ugh!!
He said he knew nothing about it. Well, that's because he's not listening to me.
He reiterated his expectation that I stay.
It seems like an impossible situation.
I told him that I understand that so long as I live under this roof, he expects my fidelity. This means that he expects me to be celibate as we cannot speak or do anything even remotely intimate together.
I feel incredibly lonely. I am in severe pain that eats at my soul.
There are no words that can describe the dark aching that fills my chest and leaves my entire body cold.
For twelve years, I've put up with this situation. I've stopped accepting invitations to parties. I've hid in my room on holidays and weekends. I've put on a happy face for friends and family.
After I learned what his boss said about me at the city, I've begun to realize that he must bad-mouth me. I can't trust him. So, for almost four years, I've done my best to avoid him at all costs.
When I get to a point of doing something great, he makes funky demands on my time and puts me in a no-win situation. He'll switch his work hours, so I'll have to be here with the kids. He'll take my car. There is always something that gets in the way.
The pain...I can't handle the pain.
I told him that I wanted to get a job and an apartment so I could find some moments of solitude outside of the pain of living in this house.
I can't handle this. If I were to find myself dying tomorrow, I'd regret how I'm spending my life.
He looked confused.
I told him that it meant that I needed to leave the marriage in a bid to ease the pain in my heart.
He yelled at me!
I yelled back.
For seven freakin' hours, it went on and on and on and on. I have to stay. I have to play maid. I have to do daycare. He doesn't want to do it himself.
What on God's green earth makes him think I'm his property?
I tried to explain to him that even if we divorced, I could help him with the kids but he'd have to pay for daycare. He'd have to clean his own house.
I tried to explain why people get married. I tried to explain that marriage is supposed to be a relationship between two people who can talk to each other and work together. They are supposed to intertwine parts of their lives; Not to expect one person to give up who she is to put up with stupidity.
Women marry for intimacy, not to relieve their OCD by cleaning up after gross men. Playing house means having sex in addition to scrubbing the floors.
I thought everyone understood that. I must be insane.
Maybe he doesn't know I'm a...woman. Maybe he thinks I'm a robot or something.
I'm not sure he gets it. I'm beginning to suspect he's a Narcissist like his mother. It's about how things appear to other people. It looks like we have a good marriage. He'll flirt with me in public only to ignore me at home. When we go places without each other, it just looks like we are busy.
I'll give $50 to someone who has seen him kiss me without me pushing him away.
It's that bad.
I think the dream was trying to tell me that the pain of staying here will kill me and I need to do something now.
So, after hours of stupidity and frustrated communication, I asked him what he wanted. He went into his basement and said he was typing up a list of demands.
Demands....
Like I'm a djinn in a lamp.
Yeah, I've got Djinn on the brain. He also insulted the Djinn, threw an object said to be a vampire on the floor, and disrespected a Greek God. He basically messed with stuff he probably should have left well enough alone.
Now, I'm a little insulted here. The message is clear. He obviously does not approve of my hobby or my religion.
He told me to wish that I could get what I wanted.
I've blogged about wishes....one must be careful with such things. It doesn't work like that, unless one wants trouble.
I'm glad he never found the Shaitan. She's scary. She's the one that will teach him lessons when he hurts me. I've blogged about that before. Whatever he does to me, tends to happen to him immediately.
I had to keep her vessel from being in the moonlight lest she regain her power. She's beautiful. Meditating on her vessel brings me lots of beauty secrets. Did you know that the women in Iraq used to rub Jasmine flowers on their finger nails to make them stronger?
It came to me in a dream and I had to stop doing that as my tallons were damaging my computer keyboard.
I am the only person who can touch her iron necklace because anyone else will get shocked. I did not believe in the metaphysical until I was given that necklace. I bought it because I thought I was helping a soldier make money. I had no idea what was contained within it. I bought it because it was a beautiful necklace.
It was only after I saw it glowing one night that it became clear to me that it was unique. I had to talk to the person who sold it to me and the story he gave was insane. Allegedly it helped him find his lost granddaughter but hearing its voice freaked him out so he got rid of it. It was only after a heck of a lot of prayer, and grief, that I realized what she was.
If my ex dies some gross death, I'm going to say it is because he insulted the Djinn.
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever throw things around that you misunderstand.
The Djinn he insulted are said to be believer Djinn...during meditation they cause me to dream of God and Mohammad. They talk about honoring the sons of God (in other words, honoring Jesus). They care not what name we give the Lord, so long as we honor the teachings and not let evil run our lives.
So, if these Djinn are sufficiently irritated at him, I could see my ex running off, converting to Islam and being sent to Gitmo. He could also end up a monk, too.
That would be fitting....
Love,
Shaky S.
Next Day Edit: It took nearly twelve hours of defending myself against every freakin' thing imaginable but he finally promised to look into life insurance for the family's benefit in the case of my death.
I'm not doing well today.
I couldn't sleep.
My throat hurts.
My eyes are swollen.
I think I may have a sinus infection from all the crying.
My joints hurt.
I can barely move today.
Talking to him about anything is really not worth it.
I wish I could find the money to move out and file for a divorce.
That's what he taught me yesterday. I can never speak to him about anything without it becoming a pain. God is telling me to go.
Love,
S.
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