Forgiveness

(About this song:  It's a good song for liberty lovers.  Most men think of outside authority (e.g. governments, churches, parents, schools) when they hear it.  I think of men.  Nannies bully men.  Men bully the women they claim to love.  Both men and women die.  It's sad.)

Well...

I did something stupid. 

I prayed for forgiveness from my ex. 

I can't handle the dreams and the fact I can't get him out of my head.  

Given his final communication in my general direction, I thought that I must've done something to piss him off. 

I approached the coven and asked if they have any rituals to ask for forgiveness. 

Yes, they do. 

Will they work?

Yes -but- that's not what I need, they said.

I didn't even tell them what it was for....

but they seemed to know. 

Approaching them is like letting them have the keys to your diary. 

They just know stuff...

The scary psychic lady actually said that he needs to open up and stop holding in his feelings.  He's afraid to face his emotions but he can't run from all of them. 

I nearly cried when she uttered "you know he thinks of you everyday and really misses you.  Don't you?"

Ah...but the situation is quite reversed.  It is not him but me who won't take ownership for her emotions and can't control the thoughts.

And yeah...that's why...I need forgiveness. 


If we both want to move on...then...we need to stop thinking about each other.   He once stated that I'm the freshest memory in his mind, even after we spent 20 years avoiding each other. 

Maybe that is because he's angry.  If he's angry at me,  then he can't stop thinking about me. 

If I'm angry at him....well...it never really dawned on me that I was projecting my thought processes onto him. 

I prayed for forgiveness.

I slept like a baby for six hours.  I'm still sleepy. 

I had Jesus dreams.  In them, the Lord is trying to tell me to do something but I cannot understand him. 

That's the story of my life, I reach out to God and get confused by the light. 

There is one dream in particular that is bugging me today. 

In this dream, I was at a party. 


Life is a party. 

I was doing all those things that I do.  I'm socializing.  I'm singing.  I'm playing.  I'm telling jokes. 


I'm being Siegfred. 

Then I realize that he was invited to the party. 


I begin to get paranoid. 


Is he here? 

I don't see him. 


Does he see me? 


Maybe I should go talk to those people in the dark corner. 

He won't see me there. 

That's no good.  They're standing by a window. 


If he sees me, he'll be angry at me for being the center of attention. 


We'll argue and embarrass ourselves. 

I guess I could go hang out in the lady's room.  That is the one place I am certain of not running into him.   


There is a couple there trying to get cozy and they can't get over the fact I'm there.


I go back to the party. 

It's loud.  It's dark.  I can't see anything. 


There is the band.  He'll know to find me there.   I can't approach the stage.

Damn....I know the guitarist.  He and his wife helped me leave a bad relationship.  They say I'm their biggest fan. 

Will the guitarist wonder if he upset me because I'm not cheering him on?


What to do...what to do....


I look down the hallway and see a window. 

I look outside.

I see an ugly bright yellow motorcycle. 

No one in the world is crazy enough to drive a yellow crotch rocket....except......


maybe...


he's probably here. 

I don't want to fight. 

I don't want to get put down, or criticized, or made to feel like I have to explain why I like people.


I don't want to ignore anyone. 

I don't want to feel bad about ignoring anyone. 


I don't want to eat. 


I don't want to drink. 

I don't want to monitor my behavior as to not irritate the man who may or may not be there. 




So, I sneak out the back door and leave.   

I awake at 7:00 a.m. without the help of an alarm clock and lay there in stunned silence. 

Around noon, I figured out what my subconscious mind was trying to say.  

I need to forgive him

and ignore him.

I've been trying to stay under his radar for over 25 years. 

The symptoms are there.  I always took comfort in my name change and the changes to my appearance.  Around him, I have an incredible fear of answering questions about my private life. 

It took me twelve years to link my current name to my birth name online.  In the back of my mind, I knew it would bring him to me.  Within a year of admitting who I was, he emailed me.   

I never pondered why I was avoidant of him. 


When I was a young lady, I tended to be the center of attention.  I didn't mean for that to happen, it just did. 

He always wanted to be the center of my attention and would make fun of me when everyone left. 

He'd basically call me an attention whore. 

That hurt. 

I spent a lot of time with him, to the exclusion of my other friends.  Some of the women got angry.  One of them tried to seduce my old flame and catch him in the wrong in order to break us up. 

It didn't work. 



My ex was very shaken by the experience. 

It's funny what girlfriends admit to doing twenty years after the fact. 

Oh well...

He used to complain when I wanted to audition for all male bands.  He was afraid I'd get raped.



I actually got kicked out of a band because I wouldn't sleep with the drummer.  She was beautiful but it became obvious I was different because I never noticed her overtures.

Why didn't I notice that before?

Then we still fight over my diet.  He still looks at me funny when I don't want to eat or talk about my diet. 

He doesn't understand.  I'm 20 pounds overweight, I can afford to skip a meal now and then.

But, I met him shortly after I gave up on modeling.  When I was a model, I tried to have a 500 calorie a day diet.  It is what the others girls did.   Anorexia runs in my family, too.  It is what my uncle did.  It is what my aunt did.  It is what my sister did.  I didn't know there were others ways of eating. 

I thought it was normal. 

This man ensured that I ate, all the time.  He tried to keep me away from diet soda and drinking my favorite coffee with milk.  I don't admit often to this, but at one point I was 120 pounds.  In fact, between boyfriends my weight goes down so far I stop weighing myself in shame.  When I was twenty-two years old, I was so small that my sister started buying me little girl clothes to wear: I wouldn't wear them, though, the arms and legs were usually too short for my liking. 

No wonder my family was enamoured with him; he got me to eat

The dream explains a lot. 

I am pissed off because I took a lot of what this guy said to heart. 

It still impacts me to this day. 

I love him dearly but I am afraid of him. 

I also realize that every man I've dated has been a practical clone of him; judgemental, negative and domineering.   My ex seems to have grown out of it - at least, it is what he allows me to see. 

Still, this is why I'd rather linger here than risk dating again. 

Men are mean when they are in love.

Wow!!



It's a little after noon and I'm still trying to process the dreams. 

I pushed this man away when I was running for office because he doesn't like me getting undue amounts of attention.   I hated having him as a Facebook friend because of the sheer number of men who friend me and flirt with me. 

I was afraid he would get angry with me. 

Then I realized that I don't like a lot of attention.  Attention always stresses me out.  I like solitude because without it, I cannot create art. 

I rarely want attention, I was just trying to help someone win.  The man didn't need my help but some crazy people thought he did. 

I understand now.  I need to forgive my old friend for pointing out the obvious and me taking it the wrong way. 

So, I forgive him even though he really didn't do anything wrong. 

This time I mean it. 

Love,

S.