HO HO WHOE

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

~ Dennis Miller

Merry Christmas

"I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the
time God chooses."

- Taylor Caldwell

Support and Belief...

Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence.

- Frank Zappa

It's Okay to Know what is Going On...

Question authority -

if they know so darn much then they should pass a quiz once in a while.

Giving...

He who selfishly hoards every crumb never partakes of the real feast.

Everyone matters...

There are no disposable people only disposable attitudes.

The Friendship Code

Gebo: The Rune of Love and Friendship. Gebo reminds us that the bonds of true friendship are not easily broken.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

- Walter Winchell

Twenty some years ago, when my first long term romance ended, I was heartbroken and felt like something that you'd wipe off on the doormat. It was a horrible time in my life. A few days prior to breaking up with my old friend, my family told me that it was time that I lived on my own. My parents had died a few years earlier and my bachelor uncle found that sharing his home with a 17 year old girl really cramped his lifestyle. I was alone, afraid and if it weren't for my wonderful friends I would probably had died of exposure to the cold.

My friend Jim found an apartment for me, right next to his. For several months, he made sure I made took the long two transfer bus ride to school every day. He and his partner helped me finish my homework. With their grace and support, I actually graduated on time.

Another dear friend knew exactly what to say to ease me out of my grief. She reminded me that leaving people who did not appreciate me gave me the opportunity to be myself. I'll never forget the day she said that she was thankful for my break-up because my ex had taken up so much of my time. She hugged me and exclaimed "We've got our Siegfred back!"

I miss her. I think of her whenever the winds of my life change.

I saw her on T.V. the other day featured in a news story about "indigent" and homeless people being abused by a local organization. It appears that the winds of her life changed, too. Honestly, I am a bit livid that my in-laws have known of her plight for over a year but because of family politics they refused to tell me (despite the fact that I've volunteered countless hours to help those in that specific situation). Again, I think of my friend and the opportunity my in-laws are giving me to reassess my personal relationships. Perhaps the winds of my life are about to change direction, again.

Anyhow, this is what I want my friends to know...

My dear friends, new and old, so long as I breathe you do not have to be hungry, homeless, or alone. Mi casa es su casa. I care. You matter. Besides, what good are the best things in life if they cannot be shared with those who touch your life?

- and-

True friendship knows know boundary of time nor distance.

Note to my in-laws: What goes around comes around.

The next time you see a homeless person, remember that person has a family, has friends, has a name, has hopes, has dreams, has unique talents, and may be the one person who could solve a social problem if given half a chance. We are all pieces of a universal puzzle: a picture that will never be complete so long as all the pieces are not allowed to fall into place.

Important Links: If helping those falling on hard times is important to you during this holiday season, please consider contributing time or money to the following organizations.

Colorado Coalition for the Homeless : this premier organization offers a comprehensive website and offers real support and advice for individuals finding themselves in this situation.

Charg Resource Center : Charg Resource Center offers people with mental illness mental health treatment, support and empowerment. They do wonderful work with the homeless population in Denver, Colorado.

Urban Peak : This organization offers help and support to homeless youth in the Denver Metro Area and Colorado Springs.

Denver Rescue Mission: This organization does so much for the community, it would be impossible to list everything. Visit the website. Their work is impressive.

My Muse

I thought I'd forget you, but I guess I forgot to.
Unknown

They say you never get over your first love. I don't know about that. Mine was a nice guy (unless he was with me). I inspired him into madness, weirdness, and things that I don't quite understand.

It's hard to forget mine. He was beautiful, I thought he resembled Michelangelo's Statue of David.

When we broke up, I went to live with my Grandfather. A kind and thoughtful Aunt actually bought a huge bust resembling Michelangelo's sculpture for my room because she knew I liked it.

That thing drove me nuts. I could never move it, so I ended up throwing dirty laundry on it so I could fall asleep. That didn't help me forget him.

My first love was also a character. They say that he became well known for his fashion sense his senior year of high school (it was the eighties, heck, we were all weird). I don't know whether that is true. I do know that it's hard to forget someone that everyone else keeps bringing up.

I do know that my spouse and I had a nice little tiff over him some years ago. I was on my way home from the hospital and our day old daughter was in the back seat. We saw an impossibly beautiful man wearing a unique outfit crossing the street and my husband remarked.

"You went to school with him."

Really? I asked.

Yeah, he said before invoking the name that shall never be spoken.

I turned on him like a rabid dog. I simply remember asking him if he liked being married to me and liked having a daughter. Of course he said yeah. I can be scary when I'm irritated, cranky, and in need of rest.


I reminded him that the man he invoked did the equivalent of pushing me out of the way of a speeding train (and he did, too). I'd be dead if he didn't know me. I remember growling "You will never speak ill of him again and you will thank him if you ever see him, got it"!!

Okay.

Well, fast forward several years and our world has fallen apart.

Now, every time I break up with a man I have to process my previous break-ups. Thankfully, I've only had two. So, now facing a potential break-up, I'm thinking about the two men from my past and how things get so screwed up.

The problem is that I still care for them.


This time it's worse. There are nightmares. I'm finding relics of the past that I've got to get rid of. I'm running into old friends. I'm remembering too much and somehow it's probably good for me.

I'm thinking that I should learn to sing or pick up the guitar. Perhaps, I can use this emotional turmoil to create something that is helpful for someone else.


But one really nice thing has come from all this emotion. My husband has realized that I would never allow anyone to badmouth him.

That's right!!

How dare anyone criticize my choice of associates, past or present?

They helped me be the person that I am today.

Thanks.

Unforgettable

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,

an hour to like someone,

and a day to love someone,

-but takes a lifetime to forget someone.

- author unknown

Hmmmm....

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

- Dick Cavett

Soul Imprints

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving
some mark on it forever.

- Francois Mocuriac

You'll Never Walk Alone

Many people will walk in and out or your life,But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

- Anonymous

-

Happy Birthday to some ol' man...I pray that Aphrodite smiles upon your beautiful soul.

Greatness...

If we did all the things that we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.

-Thomas Edison

Only the good (memories) die young...

Well, it looks like science can explain why people tend to remember the really stressful events in their lives while forgetting the fun filled times. Apparently, when we are stressed, we release a cascade of chemicals that increase our capacity to vividly remember the event causing that stress.

So...

Can't forget about your creepy ex? Or that horrid break-up when your lady love announced she was pregnant with the neighbor's kid? Or the spring day when your knight in shining armor dressed up in stiletto heels, a leather collar, and tiny black dress to tell the world that you made him decide to switch his sexual orientation?

It's not your fault...blame the stress response!

Yarrr...

Ahoy, there Corsair. Be ye ready to surrender? Let's splice t' mainbrace in the Crows Nest and go to Pirates Cove.

Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day!!!

Click on the above link for funnier pirate/wench pick up lines.

You Cannot Argue with Crazy...

An insanely mad person cannot hear reason,

no matter how well researched or convincing the argument.

Birthday Philosophy...

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong

Happy Labor Day, Everybody...

I am of certain convinced that the greatest heroes are those who do their duty in the daily grind of domestic affairs whilst the world whirls as a maddening dreidel.

-Florence Nightingale

Happy Labor Day to all the stay at home parents out there who work 24/7 at home with no paycheck and yearly reminders from the Social Security Administration that the government doesn't think very highly of the most important job in the world. Thankfully, we all know that the best things in life cannot be quantified in monetary terms, don't we?

Happy Labor Day to all the parents who figured out a way to juggle work outside the home with raising a family. May you find some time to rest!

Happy Labor Day to everyone else who makes the world hum a beautiful tune! Enjoy your time in the sun!

And Mom, happy Labor Day to the woman who spent her last hurrah of summer in the hospital so many years ago. Honestly, though, all children are born on Labor Day, you know.

Thank you Everybody!!

Uniquely Beautiful You

You were born an original. Don't die a copy.

- John Mason

Grudges can make you ill...

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

- Ingrid Bergman

Let Go...

Nearly all the best things that came to me in life have been unexpected, unplanned by me.

- Carl Sandburg

Pay It Forward....

If you can't return a favor, pass it on.

- Louise Brown

Anger's Gift

Anger is nothing to be feared. It is natural to feel angry when another person tries to overstep your personal boundaries, when they attempt to squash your dreams, or interfere with your plans. Anger is a natural way to get the energy that you need to regain control of your personal situation and let the other party know to respect you or to leave you alone.

The trick is to do this before you become enraged. Anger is a gift. It alerts you to the fact that something is wrong. Listen to it so that you can understand why you feel it. Then try to set the situation straight. Anger is your friend: anyone who insists on violating your personal space is not.

Too much Harry Potter...

You know your friend is a control freak when he does something completely asinine but rather than apologize he'll perform an elaborate love spell in order to win your heart.

Pass the holy water please...

Some fool is going on a diet...

Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up...

a fool who is full of food,

an unloved woman who is married...

~Prov 30:21-23


Who says that I have to cook the kind of food my fool likes? From today forward, it's beans, tofu and other vegetarian dishes all the way baby. The Earth will certainly tremble around my house because he'll be begging for the Beano (okay, if he's nice I'll soak the beans in fennel to decrease the gas...but I'm pretty pissed and want to be rude)!

Maybe he'll lose enough weight to find my replacement.

Problem solve.d

Nothing is wasted if you learn something...

If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you. - Robert Burney

Question of the Day

If a woman happily gives her neighbor the shirt of her back, does her propensity towards being an exhibitionist minimize her kindness?

Protection or Slavery?

That man over there said that [a] woman needs to be lifted over ditches and
to have the best place every where. Nobody ever helped me into carriages, or
over mud puddles, or [gave] me any best place and aren't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have plowed, and planted, and gathered into barns and no man
could head me - and aren't I a woman?

I could work as much and eat as much as a man when I could get it, and bear the lash as well - and aren't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children and seen them almost all sold off into slavery and when I cried out with a mother's grief, none but Jesus heard - and aren't I a woman?

- Sojourner Truth

***

Much injustice towards women, children, and minorities are done in the name of protection.

Is protection just a veil for slavery?

If women are so weak, why do we often end up doing so much more than the men in our lives?
Think about it.

Keep on Shining....

"What female heart can despise gold?"

- Thomas Gray

Happy True Love Forever Day!

Blind Bush

You might as well expect rivers to run backwards as any man born free to be contented penned up.

- Hin-mah-too-yah-lat-kekt (Chief Joseph)

This great leader was right: our creator did not create one man to act as the sole chief with the divine right to tell everybody else how to live, what to say and do, and how to die.

A bad chief can order an end to all war protests, he can spy and threaten, and he can scare everyone into compliance. A great Chief rules with love while a bad one puts on his blinders as not to see his mistakes. History will remove those blinders and everyone will eventually see through the great charade.

In the Words of a Genius...

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them! - Albert Einstein

Grrrrr....

E-Nail: An angry email sent with the intention of making a sharp point.

Ho, Ho, Ho,

Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Dyslexic Devil Worshippers Sell Their Souls To Santa"

To my Liberal, Horny, Foreign Friend...

Please do not call or email me anymore to share your deep, dark, and dirty fantasies about "bushes" or anything with the word "dick" or "chain/chainy" in it. You may want to save those stories for Hustler. As of now, we may have an audience and you really don't want to get those boys out in DC too excited, do you?

You know I'm all up to listening to all your deep, dark and fun filled fantasies and wonderful experiences. But dear, no more talk of golden showers because I've heard enough to last me a lifetime: a bunch of submissive and short-sighted people just pissed all over the Constitution.

My Modern Theory of Cupid

I think Cupid gives each woman an allotment of three golden arrows. If a woman like me gets hit with three of these and all the romances sour, Cupid begins to aim with a gun.

Failure to Communicate

When I was younger, I used to daydream about marrying a man who spoke Japanese so that our only shared language was, well, physical because I couldn't understand a word he said.

Upon reflection, I think I married someone whose language was a bit more complex and a bit harder to understand: he's a tax auditor!!

Funny love...

Love your enemies. It really pisses them off!

Prime Time

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- Anonymous

Worlds Apart Yet Still Too Close

"Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.” - Anonymous

Hitting Peace Activists at the Bank...

"Men in authority will always think that criticism of their policies is dangerous. They will always equate their policies with patriotism, & find criticism subversive."

-- Henry Steele Commager (1902-1998)
Historian and author, Source: Freedom & Order, 1966

Read the latest Executive Order that is meant to end all war protests in the U.S.: http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/07/20070717-3.html

Yet again, history repeats itself.

Update: August 13, 2007

I sent an e-mail to my Senator to express my outrage. I figure if other politicians realize that this can hit their campaign coffers, they may try to intervene. Below is my letter and Senator Salazar's (D-CO) response. I was hoping to be told that I could give money to the DNC and not risk losing my home, but no, I didn't get an definite answer and it scares me to death.

Dear Senator Salazar,

I have read, with great concern, an executive order signed by President Bush on July 17, 2007. I am referring to Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq.

On the surface, it appears to be an attempt to take away the financial assets of individuals who fund organizations that contribute to terrorist groups outside of the United States. This executive order is fairly vague and if broadly interpreted it could make it illegal to donate money to any organization and/or individual that opposes the war in Iraq as well as make it against the law to protest said war. The possible misapplication of this order is disconcerting to me as well as a number of other people (simply Google the title of the order and you will find a number of individuals confused and angry about it).

My question to you is this: under this order would an individual risk forfeiture of his or her assets if he or she decides to donate to the campaign of any Democratic nominee who has publicly stated that the war in Iraq should end?

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I look forward to your reply and feel fortunate that you are representing our State at such a crucial time in history.
I wish you the best of success.

Respectfully,

S.

Dear S.

Thank you for contacting me with regard to the recently issued executive order entitled "Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq." I appreciate hearing from you.

As you know, this order authorizes the Secretary of the Treasury – in consultation with the secretaries of defense and state – to freeze the assets of individuals deemed to have directly or indirectly supported insurgent operations which undermine the political and economic reconstruction of Iraq.

I share your concerns about the broad language contained in this order as to what constitutes “destabilizing Iraq.” As the Treasury Department develops rules and regulations to carry out this order, please rest assured that I will monitor the situation closely to ensure that the civil liberties of U.S. citizens who peacefully object to the Iraq war are protected.

Again, thank you for taking the time to share your views.

Sincerely,

Ken Salazar

United States Senator

I want you to know...

Someone believes in you; your talents, your abilities, and your vision for the future.

I do.

Whether it is a sales presentation, art show, proposal, scholastic paper, home improvement project, something mundane that has to get done, or something so wonderful no one else can conceive of it yet, I believe in you!

Give it your all and I know you'll do well.

True Friendship Poem

Funniest Chain E-Mail I've Ever Received:

Subject: A REAL Friendship Wish I am sick and tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound so goodie-goodie, but never actually come close to reality! Well, here area series of promises that really address what true friendship is all about:


1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. After all, if you hate them, then so do I! We'll hate them together.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge the candy that's choking you. Once it's cleared & you feel better, I'll treat you to a hot fudge sundae with whipped creme and a cherry on top, down at the beach

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. And it was good...


4. When you are scared - I will tease you about it, unmercifully, every chance I get. And rent the movie "Psycho," just to calm your nerves, while we eat buttered popcorn & drink coke...You, of course, will already have the chocolate ready...

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be, tell you to quit whining like a boo-hooing crybaby & askyou where your self-respect is!

6. When you are confused - I will use little words. And try very hard not to laugh too loudly...

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. Then I will help you up...& take you shopping at the dollar store...


This is my oath; I pledge it till the end. "Why?" you may ask.

Because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of five and two of them aren't speaking to you right now, anyway.


Remember:A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move the body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel...

Author Unknown

Your Opinion is Noted...

Should is the most important word to listen for in any conversation. Any sentence in which that word, SHOULD, is incorporated is a value judgement. It is a sign of the other person's opinion, his way of seeing the world, and his values. It does not necessarily reflect your own world, your own values, and your own reality. Here are examples:

All men should work 40 hours a week at slave wages.

Everybody should respect their parents wishes even if they risk breaking the law, jail time, and losing their children in doing so.

Women should not make more money, have better titles, or more education than their spouses.

and my absolute favorite should....

Everybody should realize that they are God's gift to the world and follow their dreams realizing that God planted them in their mind in order to make the world a better place.

If You Ask Me....

Never take advice from anyone whose life is more messed up than yours.

Lead Me To The Money Tree....

Weirdest Thing I've Ever Been Yelled at For:

"You did not buy my cousin that $250,000 house. You destroyed her dreams of home ownership!"

The content of a telephone diatribe from my sister-in-law. Apparently, fifteen years ago, I was expected to buy a really nice house for her cousin and they've me never forgiven me for it (that was news to me). O.K. Sweetie, get me a lotto ticket and I'll give it a shot. In the meantime, I can build your cousin a doll house.

The Other Lady of My House

Most Hypocritical Thing I've Ever Heard:

"Women have no right to speak."

This was said by my mother-in-law. I always thought this was a bit hypocritical but I could be wrong: she might be a hermaphrodite.

Hallelujah...

Favorite Passage From a Holy Book:

"Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear God. And know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe. (The Noble Quran, 2:223)"

Feet Taste Bad

Dumbest Thing I Ever Said:

"Wow!!! That must have been an exciting year in your parents' life!!"

I said this while sitting with an elderly in-law, helping her sort through her hope chest. I noted that her parent's anniversary was very close to the birthday of a family member. I couldn't remember whose birthday it was until she altered the date on her parent's marriage certificate to avoid further embarrassment about the circumstances surrounding her birth.

She told me that is how families change history. Luckily, I stopped myself from reminding her that most of her relatives were Mormon and that, well, they probably already had that information.

If it helps, I'm thankful you were born. If they had waited any longer, you might be a part of another family. You're a lot of fun and we're lucky to have you!

Aging for women

I'd say that I'm the same way I was at 17, except that now I don't have to lift my top to let you see the goods.

I just need to lift my skirt a tad.

Wait 20 years and I'll show you my socks!

Ellis has left the dimension...

I'm going to miss the psychologist who gave us such memorable lines as



There's no evidence whatsoever that men are more rational than women. Both sexes seem to be equally irrational;

OK, I'll admit that there is a .00000000000000005% chance that God does exist, but if he does what makes you think he gives a s**t about you?;

I used to think the most awful thing would be to be tortured to death slowly, but then I realized I could always be tortured to death MORE slowly.

-and-

I hope to die in the saddle seat*.

So long Dr. Ellis, you had quite an exciting and important ride blazing that REBT trail for the rest of the world. Thank you,
Albert Ellis
(September 27, 1913 to July 24, 2007)
you made psychology worth studying!
Rest in peace.

* me, too...

DysFUNction by any other name....

The Creation of Adam: Pull My Finger

Several years ago, my mother-in-law started lying about me to the point my husband was ostracized from his extended family. He was told that they would speak to him once we were divorced. One never asks a man to choose between the two women he loves (his mom or his wife): to do so is inviting certain disaster.

As the lies became progressively worse and the pressure to divorce mounted, I figured it was a matter of time before I regained my former name. Sometimes, though, life has kind of a weird way of turning on people.

Gossip brings anger just as surely as the north wind brings rain. - Proverbs 25:23

Now I'm going to thank my sister-in-law for telling her brother that she "forgave" him for the problems because "gossiping is normal" (huh??). I guess he called his Dad to talk the other day, but his sister answered the phone and refused to give the line to anyone else. I finally understand why his mother used to tell me that women should never speak (they must have had a little trouble implementing that misogynistic rule within their own family).

Now, my husband is furious and doesn't want a thing to do with his family. Guess what?? He wants to change our family's last name. So far, here are our choices:

• Savid (heck, no....that's our last name backwards.)
• Cortez (maybe... this is a name that is common on my side of the family and my father-in-law gets so red when he's, well, when he's yelling at me for speaking Spanish).
• Shank(maybe.....my grandmother's name....beautiful, I love it...my in-laws won't).
• Grant (maybe...the last name of my great-grandmother. I was told that her uncle was a U.S. president who was able to win wars while inebriated but had a more scandelous administration than our current head honcho.)

Tell you what, this name change phase will be interesting.

Anyhow, since this has all began my Catholic husband has become a born again Pagan. It'll be fun to try to convince him to change his name to something that espouses his personality and religion, maybe something like Michael Windbreaker: isn't it melodic? It flows so well and makes me want to follow him around with a lighter. I can just see the little postcards that he could send to his extended family to announce the name change (the illustration could be Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" and the punchline could say something about his name change being inspired by others stinky hot air).

Hopefully, this blows over fairly soon. If not....(crud)...

Thanks, you three...now I have to go through my closet and get rid of all those black candles, sewing pins, and my beautiful doll collection. Don't worry, though, he won't curse you until after the full moon. So, I have a few days to find every scrap of paper you've ever written on. He's already burned all our photos (thanks again). I don't know if I believe any curse against you would work. I do know that gossipy people tend to get themselves into trouble and I don't want dear hubby to feel guilty should one of you get popped in the kisser.

My advice to you is to find your local Catholic church and visit every Sunday!! Stand really close to the guy with the incense, buy yourselves a little St. Michael statue and a St. Eugene de Mazenod candle, prayer and/or statue (if you can find one), and pray a lot with lit candles .... oh my, I think I know why your son likes Wicca!!!

You have to hate someone to want to hurt him with lies.
Insincere talk brings nothing but ruin. - Proverbs 26:28

By the way, Catholics have to answer to God and Pagans have Karma: either way all of you are going to have to pay up big time. Isn't it better just to fix the problem in the first place, take responsibility, assuage your guilt, and get your son back?

You know, my Grandma used to say that God hangs gossipers up by their toes, naked, and lets demons (including angry daughter-in-laws) tickle them from the time they die until judgement day. My grandmother had a way of scaring people into behaving.

Good luck with that sin thing. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Oh yeah, I've already had my will altered to state that I want to be buried with huge tickling feathers.

Love ya,

S.

P.S. Dear MIL, if you want to hasten the divorce, make sure the lies are believable. Your son administers most of my email accounts - so if you tell him that I received very important emails (i.e. a death notice for his favorite uncle) and refused to give them to him, he will know that you're lying. Same with the mail, he usually checks that himself due to some story about me hiding a wedding invitation (you know, you can always have us sign for letters and packages if you want proof we've received it). Just a little heads up darling.

!!!!!!!!!!

I'll list some believable lies for you to spread....let's see....

Lie #1: Siegfred's mother was a maggot.

Lie #2: Siegfred's father was a bulldog (that conception must've been interesting).

Lie #3: Siegfred wasn't born: she was hatched.

Lie #4: Siegfred was a stripper (well, anyone whose ever seen me would know that was a lie. If you could find a club where all the men mysteriously turned to stone, someone may believe you).

Lie #5: Siegfred is a transsexual: that is why her family calls her Siegfried (that might actually fly a little bit).

Lie #6: Siegfred has sex dreams about aliens or, better yet, dead psychoanalysts like Sigmund Freud (and his prosthetic tongue).... oooh, baby... (that may get a little distance before people realize that my frozen legs are legendary for chilling an entire room).

Lie #7: Siegfred grew up in a trailer, her parents joined a cult, and she learned to shoot a rifle at the age of twelve. For dinner, the members of her family would shoot squirrels off of the power lines. Most of this is true, I bet you can't spot the lie.

(If we were eating squirrels, we were too darned poor to own a trailer). 

Lie #8: When Siegfed wants a date, she puts on a bikini that has a top twice her size and visits a local pool. The unlucky man who retreives from the other side of the pool gets a date (maybe that's how I met your son? Okay, that's how I met Jeremy, Tory, Michael A., Michael. B., Steve, JimmyJoeBob, and some other guy I just made up - LOL).

That should be enough...Have fun old lady,  if you're going to hell you might as well enjoy the ride! Yeah, I know that to encourage a gossip is to write your own one way ticket to the fiery furnace....aw, shucks!!

If anyone has suggestions for really fun stories that Mrs. MIL can tell her fans...please, please post them here!!

Blond Parenting Moment

Funniest Parenting Story I've Ever Heard...

A family member bought her ten year old son Grand Theft Auto because she thought it was "rated W for Wowie".

Oh, brother.....turn it upside down.

Timing is Everything

Buy your Easter bonnet in September and do your Christmas shopping in July.

My Wal-Mart Motto

One can always pay a little less for something knowing that it is truly worth-less.

Worth its price...

Advice costs nothing and is worth five times it's cost.

Do Not Ask

Don't ask for divine guidance if you're not open to hearing anything!! If you do hear something, don't assume you understand it.

*****

Now that I’m older, I've tried to understand my Celtic heritage and my step-father's Native American traditions. So last year I went on my very first vision quest, something common in both cultures. Yep, it was quite mystical. Now, you're not really supposed to tell anyone what you see because it is so private and personal. But, sometimes the lessons themselves beg to be shared.

At one point during this experience, I prayed and asked God what was in my future. I was expecting to see myself volunteering somehow, giving money to charity, or generally doing something that would earn me my wings. But no, God has something else in mind.

In the vision, I saw myself sitting at my kitchen table talking to some red faced strawberry blond man with glasses that were reflecting the lights. I couldn't figure out who in the heck he was. I listened but could only make out a few words....something about coffee, needing closure, he's sad, why? Then the man stands up, peers into my face, and looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes.

Oh no, he looked just like the one guy I was afraid to see again. The last time I tried to talk to him, in order to clear up some horrid gossip, he skipped away muttering something about how he had turned into me and that I had become him. At that moment, I realized that if I spent anymore time with the man we'd both be together wearing matching straight jackets. So, every time I'd see him in public (it's been about twelve years now), I'd run the other way!!

I love him dearly but, really, I thought I was doing the right thing.

Maybe I wasn't doing the right thing.

Anyhow, I found that vision startling because it hurt me to see an old friend in pain. I started praying. Why is he so sad? What in the world does he need? God, please give him whatever it is and bless his family! Does he need a kidney, blood, and/or bone marrow? Are his wife and kids okay? If there is anything I can do, God, please tell me!

I began having dreams of him looking into a computer screen in the dark...so, I started blogging. But still, I had no clue what this person needed to hear or what my subconscious wanted me to say.

I kept praying.

There is a Christian church about a mile away from my home. Funny, the answers that I seek usually appear there. The first week, the billboard read "Thank Him” and I did in a more public blog. The guy did save my life, twice. He made me get help for recurrent depression. I had an eating disorder and he bought me a ton of vitamins: to this day I take a handful of assorted vitamins and herbs every single day. I had a doctor tell me that this is the reason I'm incredibly healthy.

To reiterate

Thanks to the man who touched my life in countless ways and to the one I hope has this kindness is repaid 100 fold!!

The dreams didn't stop. In fact, they began to become frightening. I began to keep a dream diary, hoping to understand what was going on in the depths of my mind.

I drove by the church again and the billboard read "The truth shall set you free". Okay, what do I need to tell him?

Maybe I should blog about the horrid gossip. The talk accused me of the absolute worst thing that one could possibly do to a Christian man. Let’s just say that the last time I saw him I wanted to give him closure and to tell him, no, the gossip wasn't true. I never had the chance.

Right now, between my vision and the dreams, I am at a loss. What did I need to do?

So,yesterday, I made it a point to drive by that little Christian church. The billboard simply stated "there is a God." Yeah, I know. God is trying to tell me something and it’s driving me completely bonkers. I've always wanted to do the right thing, but I have no clue what in the world that is. What am I supposed to do?

I went shopping and bought some coffee, just in case some poor soul will be sitting at my kitchen table choking it down in the coming weeks.

I don't know how this is going to end, yet. Hopefully, I can figure out what the Universe is trying to tell me. I will say this, though, if you want to receive the Creator's guidance you must be open to hearing just about anything (no matter how unpleasant it may be) and sometimes those things that God tells us are so advanced they may go flying over our small little heads.

Right now, I'm still hearing the WHOOSH as the message flies overhead!

***

Edit 11/03/08:

Well, I'm cleaning up the old blog and I found this old post. Nearly one year to the day this post was written, one of the scenes from the vision quest came true.  He met me in a coffee shop.

I'm in shock at how close the vision quest matched the future. I did meet the man in the dream. He was my old friend. He looks exactly as I saw him. He does work with computers. I never asked if he read this silly blog, though.

He doesn't have a clue about the gossip. It's just as well to leave it well enough alone.

The other things I don't dare address - I don't believe in betraying my friends old or new. I'll just say that the vision and dreams were eerily accurate.

It's amazing, though....how much God will tell you if you just ask.

It's also amazing how having disturbing dreams of someone every night for almost two years will lead you to pray for that person compulsively. Prayer leads to concern and concern unlocks hidden love. I'm a little embarrassed about that. But it is what it is, maybe my friend needs that right now.

I still don't know why that happened. The Creator works in mysterious ways.

Yes, I'm still praying for him.

I'm also praying for my own understanding of what I need to do with the information.

and,no...

I've never had the courage to go on another vision quest.

I still haven't figured the last one out!

Deep Thought of the Day

EVIL is LIVE backwards.

Born Agains and Sex

Born Again Pagan: Sex is a sacrament and is a way to honor the divine. Sex makes you closer to God.

Born Again Christian: Sex is immoral. If you must indulge, you must be married. Your spouse must be prude so you will spend your life praying for more sex which, in turn, makes you closer to God.

Beauty Fades but Dumb is Forever!

Cruelest Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"I never fell in love with you. I fell in love with an image."

Said by a spouse while I was in the bathroom burning off my wrinkles with glycolic acid the night before my 20th high school reunion.

Full Disclosure- No Surprises

The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"I'll never have sex with a married woman."

Said by a future spouse who just learned his foreign crush was separated..

Beware of the Petite Redhead

Best Compliment I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"We big guys are teddy bears. You're a tiger. You have claws."

He was a former halfback for the Denver Broncos.

Compliment or Not?

Strangest Compliment Ever Said by a Man:

"You're such a beautiful cow."

He was a rancher.

Thank Goodness you are not Psychic

Worst Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"This is the kind of love you're destined to share with the world".

(said by a spouse during a very private moment).

(I think he had me confused with Roxanne, scary.)

A Literal Name

The Funniest Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"Your name is really Sheila? Really? Why on earth would anyone name their daughter girl?"

He was Australian.

Can't do Everything 100%

Conscious Incompetence: When you know that you completely suck at something (e.g. math, science, brain surgery, romance and so on...).

Unconscious Incompetence: When you completely suck at something but don't realize it (e.g. someone with a dry sense of humor who cannot understand why no one laughs her jokes*, someone who cannot understand why women won't go out with him because his pick-up lines worked twenty years ago, and half the contestants on the first episode of American Idol).


* guilty as charged....

We have come a long way down a one way street, baby!

Okay, if I read one more feminist research study about the way in which porn makes women devalue their physical appearance, I'm going to scream:

"how do you think men feel when they see John Holmes and Long Dong Silver?"

Emotional Straightjackets

Committed Relationship: a). a relationship built upon the foundation of mutual love and respect b). a crazy making, co-dependent, and dysfunctional relationship in which each partner has lost touch with reality to the extent that each should be committed.

Care to Dance, Roxanne?

Hoe-Down: In a dysFUNctional family a hoedown refers to having to go downtown to bail out a sibling for visiting with a peace officer after placing a red light in her bedroom window.

I like living in the clouds....

Fantasy Interruptus: a state that occurs when reality intrudes upon fantasy.

Living in a Barbie World

Barbies I'd like to see:

Wet Blanket Ken- A critical and narcissistic male who just knows that he is better looking, smarter, and more intelligent than anyone else in the world. He comes complete with Minoxidil, wrinkle cream, expensive looking suite and Porsche.

Bitter Barbie- Ken's estranged wife. She comes complete with rubber alimony checks, hairy legs, cigarettes, a size 6 top and size 18 jeans.

Materialistic Barbie- The beautiful yet top heavy doll that Ken finds at the local strip bar. She comes with weighted shoes to keep her from blowing forward in the wind.

Voodoo Theresa- complete with tiny Wet Blanket Ken doll (don't forget the shrunken head) and lots and lots of black pins. She can send Wet Blanket Ken packing to the nearest respected witch doctor (oops, I mean psychiatrist) for a magic potion (sorry, I mean Prozac).

Amazon Warrior Barbie - Complete with sword, net (for catching her prey), and a cage for keeping him in. Never mind, that's probably going a bit too far. It is completely unnecessary because Wet Blanket Ken will get himself tangled up in some kind of mess anyway.

Truthful Objective

To Serve and Collect: an honest motto for the Denver Police Department in light of their known traffic ticket quotas (2 tickets per hour).

Intelligent Design (Part Two)

I always thought that it was weird that the Creator put a reboot device on men. For instance, the men I know will be talking about something interesting and about to come upon an epiphany that could, perhaps, explain the meaning of life, the universe and everything and then it invariably happens - a beautiful woman walks by. Of course, my friend stops talking while staring at her and loses his train of thought. The subject is rarely spoken about again.

Hmmmm... I wonder if this is God's way of keeping us from figuring out his secrets!

I guess a little mystery is a good thing.

Just Say No....

How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"

- Albert Einstien

Research shows that falling in love for the first time triggers the opiate receptors in the brain: in other words, your first love becomes your drug. Think about it, you are probably someone's crack!!

Psychic Storehouse

Ether-net: The Collective Unconscious

Mind-F*ck

Psychotherapist (psycho-the-rapist) (n): A person trained to play with your mind.

Do you need an asprin?

My husband's family is proud of the close relationships they foster with their kin. Yes, when they refuse to allow me to attend family functions they are fond of reminding me that "blood is thicker than water".

Sure enough, but, if it gets abnormally thick you're bound to have a clot so big it impairs the blood flow to the brain!!

That certainly explains a lot....

Proof of Intelligent Design

Our Creator must be benevolent and kind: the more I age, sag, wrinkle, and gray, the more I lose my eyesight. The wonderful benefit of this is that I do not stress about my appearance simply because I cannot see myself.

Let's Throw A Party

Pity Party: Those times when you are down and out and feeling sorry for yourself and doing nothing except dwelling on the very thing that makes you feel so bad.

Related nouns:

Pity Party Song: The song that you play repeatedly during your pity party (i.e. Love Stinks by - J. Geils Band, You Can't Always Get What you Want - The Stones, Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me- Grant-Lee Phillips).

Pity Party Food: The only food that you eat during your pity party (i.e. ice cream, chocolate,potato chips).

Pity Party Drink: Any form of alcohol, as Bobby Bare once sang "Pour me another tequilla, Sheila").

Pity Party Friends: Well, if you have this you're lucky...What is it they say? Laugh and the world laughts with you, cry and you cry alone.

He already Ran Away With The Circus!

Clown Widow: The woman who seemingly attracts heterosexual, kind, honest men without a hint of personality disorder but turns them into bisexual, schizoid, matricidal ax-murderers by the end of the relationship. The men usually leave her for other men, mental institutions or prison and take all of her dresses and undergarments for their own personal use.

Wanna Run Away to the Circus?

Clown Magnet: A woman who attracts eccentric, strange, and bizarre men anywhere she goes. Her suitors generally speak of their sexual interest within five minutes of the initial meeting and tend to be blind to any jewelry on her left hand.

I Meant to Save Those, Really...

Accidental Time Capsules: Those boxes of random things that you didn't sort through when you moved many, many moons ago.

Gimme a Break

Man Sabbatical: That period of time when a woman is recovering from a break-up and realizes that she cannot be alone with a grinning man without feeling grouchy. It usually ends when the men she meets no longer resemble her former flames.

Sexual Anorexia: The primary side effect of a Man Sabbatical.

The Paris Hilton Promise Diet: A pledge to engage in a Man Sabbatical for a period of one year.

Clinton Style Self-Efficacy: The alteration of the definition of sex so that you can assuage yourself of any guilt or regret associated with breaking promises of celibacy, chastity, and/or monogamy.

EX-cess Baggage

Ex-Box: All those little boxes of junk (rings, jewelry, photos, drawings, etc.) from former lovers that you don't have the courage to return or didn't have the heart to sort through.

They knew it all once

Expert: An Ex is a has been and a Spurt is a drip under pressure.

- often stated by my favorite professor Paul Haber, P.hD.

Say What???

Freudian Slip = When someone accidentally reveals the truth of the matter.

Congress By Another Name

There's a reason they call a branch of our government Congress: we're always getting screwed!

- as featured at EPIFfunnies.com.

DysFUNctional Families

White Trash Theatre = Visiting my extended family

Never Kiss and Tell

A moment on the hips - forever stricken from the lips*.

*except for the occasional mischievous grin.

Blame the Jerks

Rude people are the number one cause of arthritis of the middle finger.