The Creation of Adam: Pull My Finger
Several years ago, my mother-in-law started lying about me to the point my husband was ostracized from his extended family. He was told that they would speak to him once we were divorced. One never asks a man to choose between the two women he loves (his mom or his wife): to do so is inviting certain disaster.
As the lies became progressively worse and the pressure to divorce mounted, I figured it was a matter of time before I regained my former name. Sometimes, though, life has kind of a weird way of turning on people.
Gossip brings anger just as surely as the north wind brings rain. - Proverbs 25:23
Now I'm going to thank my sister-in-law for telling her brother that she "forgave" him for the problems because "gossiping is normal" (huh??). I guess he called his Dad to talk the other day, but his sister answered the phone and refused to give the line to anyone else. I finally understand why his mother used to tell me that women should never speak (they must have had a little trouble implementing that misogynistic rule within their own family).
Now, my husband is furious and doesn't want a thing to do with his family. Guess what?? He wants to change our family's last name. So far, here are our choices:
- Savid (heck, no....that's our last name backwards.)
- Cortez (maybe... this is a name that is common on my side of the family and my father-in-law gets so red when he's, well, when he's yelling at me for speaking Spanish).
- Shank(maybe.....my grandmother's name....beautiful, I love it...my in-laws won't).
- Grant (maybe...the last name of my great-grandmother. I was told that her uncle was a U.S. president who was able to win wars while inebriated but had a more scandelous administration than our current head honcho.)
Anyhow, since this has all began my Catholic husband has become a born again Pagan. It'll be fun to try to convince him to change his name to something that espouses his personality and religion, maybe something like Michael Windbreaker: isn't it melodic? It flows so well and makes me want to follow him around with a lighter. I can just see the little postcards that he could send to his extended family to announce the name change (the illustration could be Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" and the punchline could say something about his name change being inspired by others stinky hot air).
Hopefully, this blows over fairly soon. If not....(crud)...
Thanks, you three...now I have to go through my closet and get rid of all those black candles, sewing pins, and my beautiful doll collection. Don't worry, though, he won't curse you until after the full moon. So, I have a few days to find every scrap of paper you've ever written on. He's already burned all our photos (thanks again). I don't know if I believe any curse against you would work. I do know that gossipy people tend to get themselves into trouble and I don't want dear hubby to feel guilty should one of you get popped in the kisser.
My advice to you is to find your local Catholic church and visit every Sunday!! Stand really close to the guy with the incense, buy yourselves a little St. Michael statue and a St. Eugene de Mazenod candle, prayer and/or statue (if you can find one), and pray a lot with lit candles .... oh my, I think I know why your son likes Wicca!!!
You have to hate someone to want to hurt him with lies.
Insincere talk brings nothing but ruin. - Proverbs 26:28
By the way, Catholics have to answer to God and Pagans have Karma: either way all of you are going to have to pay up big time. Isn't it better just to fix the problem in the first place, take responsibility, assuage your guilt, and get your son back?
You know, my Grandma used to say that God hangs gossipers up by their toes, naked, and lets demons (including angry daughter-in-laws) tickle them from the time they die until judgement day. My grandmother had a way of scaring people into behaving.
Good luck with that sin thing. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Oh yeah, I've already had my will altered to state that I want to be buried with huge tickling feathers.
Love ya,
S.
P.S. Dear MIL, if you want to hasten the divorce, make sure the lies are believable. Your son administers most of my email accounts - so if you tell him that I received very important emails (i.e. a death notice for his favorite uncle) and refused to give them to him, he will know that you're lying. Same with the mail, he usually checks that himself due to some story about me hiding a wedding invitation (you know, you can always have us sign for letters and packages if you want proof we've received it). Just a little heads up darling.
!!!!!!!!!!
I'll list some believable lies for you to spread....let's see....
Lie #1: Siegfred's mother was a maggot.
Lie #2: Siegfred's father was a bulldog (that conception must've been interesting).
Lie #3: Siegfred wasn't born: she was hatched.
Lie #4: Siegfred was a stripper (well, anyone whose ever seen me would know that was a lie. If you could find a club where all the men mysteriously turned to stone, someone may believe you).
Lie #5: Siegfred is a transsexual: that is why her family calls her Siegfried (that might actually fly a little bit).
Lie #6: Siegfred has sex dreams about aliens or, better yet, dead psychoanalysts like Sigmund Freud (and his prosthetic tongue).... oooh, baby... (that may get a little distance before people realize that my frozen legs are legendary for chilling an entire room).
Lie #7: Siegfred grew up in a trailer, her parents joined a cult, and she learned to shoot a rifle at the age of twelve. For dinner, the members of her family would shoot squirrels off of the power lines. Most of this is true, I bet you can't spot the lie.
(If we were eating squirrels, we were too darned poor to own a trailer).
Lie #8: When Siegfed wants a date, she puts on a bikini that has a top twice her size and visits a local pool. The unlucky man who retreives from the other side of the pool gets a date (maybe that's how I met your son? Okay, that's how I met Jeremy, Tory, Michael A., Michael. B., Steve, JimmyJoeBob, and some other guy I just made up - LOL).
That should be enough...Have fun old lady, if you're going to hell you might as well enjoy the ride! Yeah, I know that to encourage a gossip is to write your own one way ticket to the fiery furnace....aw, shucks!!
If anyone has suggestions for really fun stories that Mrs. MIL can tell her fans...please, please post them here!!
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