Do Not Ask

Don't ask for divine guidance if you're not open to hearing anything!! If you do hear something, don't assume you understand it.

*****

Now that I’m older, I've tried to understand my Celtic heritage and my step-father's Native American traditions. So last year I went on my very first vision quest, something common in both cultures. Yep, it was quite mystical. Now, you're not really supposed to tell anyone what you see because it is so private and personal. But, sometimes the lessons themselves beg to be shared.

At one point during this experience, I prayed and asked God what was in my future. I was expecting to see myself volunteering somehow, giving money to charity, or generally doing something that would earn me my wings. But no, God has something else in mind.

In the vision, I saw myself sitting at my kitchen table talking to some red faced strawberry blond man with glasses that were reflecting the lights. I couldn't figure out who in the heck he was. I listened but could only make out a few words....something about coffee, needing closure, he's sad, why? Then the man stands up, peers into my face, and looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes.

Oh no, he looked just like the one guy I was afraid to see again. The last time I tried to talk to him, in order to clear up some horrid gossip, he skipped away muttering something about how he had turned into me and that I had become him. At that moment, I realized that if I spent anymore time with the man we'd both be together wearing matching straight jackets. So, every time I'd see him in public (it's been about twelve years now), I'd run the other way!!

I love him dearly but, really, I thought I was doing the right thing.

Maybe I wasn't doing the right thing.

Anyhow, I found that vision startling because it hurt me to see an old friend in pain. I started praying. Why is he so sad? What in the world does he need? God, please give him whatever it is and bless his family! Does he need a kidney, blood, and/or bone marrow? Are his wife and kids okay? If there is anything I can do, God, please tell me!

I began having dreams of him looking into a computer screen in the dark...so, I started blogging. But still, I had no clue what this person needed to hear or what my subconscious wanted me to say.

I kept praying.

There is a Christian church about a mile away from my home. Funny, the answers that I seek usually appear there. The first week, the billboard read "Thank Him” and I did in a more public blog. The guy did save my life, twice. He made me get help for recurrent depression. I had an eating disorder and he bought me a ton of vitamins: to this day I take a handful of assorted vitamins and herbs every single day. I had a doctor tell me that this is the reason I'm incredibly healthy.

To reiterate

Thanks to the man who touched my life in countless ways and to the one I hope has this kindness is repaid 100 fold!!

The dreams didn't stop. In fact, they began to become frightening. I began to keep a dream diary, hoping to understand what was going on in the depths of my mind.

I drove by the church again and the billboard read "The truth shall set you free". Okay, what do I need to tell him?

Maybe I should blog about the horrid gossip. The talk accused me of the absolute worst thing that one could possibly do to a Christian man. Let’s just say that the last time I saw him I wanted to give him closure and to tell him, no, the gossip wasn't true. I never had the chance.

Right now, between my vision and the dreams, I am at a loss. What did I need to do?

So,yesterday, I made it a point to drive by that little Christian church. The billboard simply stated "there is a God." Yeah, I know. God is trying to tell me something and it’s driving me completely bonkers. I've always wanted to do the right thing, but I have no clue what in the world that is. What am I supposed to do?

I went shopping and bought some coffee, just in case some poor soul will be sitting at my kitchen table choking it down in the coming weeks.

I don't know how this is going to end, yet. Hopefully, I can figure out what the Universe is trying to tell me. I will say this, though, if you want to receive the Creator's guidance you must be open to hearing just about anything (no matter how unpleasant it may be) and sometimes those things that God tells us are so advanced they may go flying over our small little heads.

Right now, I'm still hearing the WHOOSH as the message flies overhead!

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Edit 11/03/08:

Well, I'm cleaning up the old blog and I found this old post. Nearly one year to the day this post was written, one of the scenes from the vision quest came true.  He met me in a coffee shop.

I'm in shock at how close the vision quest matched the future. I did meet the man in the dream. He was my old friend. He looks exactly as I saw him. He does work with computers. I never asked if he read this silly blog, though.

He doesn't have a clue about the gossip. It's just as well to leave it well enough alone.

The other things I don't dare address - I don't believe in betraying my friends old or new. I'll just say that the vision and dreams were eerily accurate.

It's amazing, though....how much God will tell you if you just ask.

It's also amazing how having disturbing dreams of someone every night for almost two years will lead you to pray for that person compulsively. Prayer leads to concern and concern unlocks hidden love. I'm a little embarrassed about that. But it is what it is, maybe my friend needs that right now.

I still don't know why that happened. The Creator works in mysterious ways.

Yes, I'm still praying for him.

I'm also praying for my own understanding of what I need to do with the information.

and,no...

I've never had the courage to go on another vision quest.

I still haven't figured the last one out!