White Feathers

As a child, I was taught that white feathers were a symbol of the unconditional love that friends feel for each other.  No matter where the other goes, the purity of love follows.  No matter what the other does, the love is still there.  No matter what happens, love happens. 

If we love another, we allow them to drift freely on his (or her) journey to explore and discover who that person truly is and where they want to be.
The Creator gave us feathers to remind us of unconditional love. 

I wake up in the morning with the thought to pray for my old friend.  Each and every day this happens.  It's been bad since '04.  I would wake up screaming his name after having nightmares and pray for hours.  Now, praying for him has become a habit. 

I wonder how many hours I've wasted doing that.  Am I being stupid?  Does it make a difference?  Shouldn't I spend more time praying for the homeless on the street and the kids down the way who lost their young mother to cancer? 

Why him? 

My prayers have become obsessive.  I need to stop. 

My love is wrong.  I need to stop. 


Don't I?

This morning, I took a walk and decided to not love him anymore.  I need to stop thinking of him.  I need to flood my mind with other things. 

This is not the first time I've made this resolution. 


Why is it that when I decide that it is best not to love my friend anymore, a white feather always finds its way on my clothing? 

I found one on my shoulder while shopping for vitamins, of all things.  He's the one that got me hooked on vitamins...As a teenager, I used to live on Diet Pepsi and he wanted me to be healthy. 

Awww....he loved me back when I needed it the most. 
I still love him. 


I worry that loving my old friend is a waste of energy.  I worry that my prayers negatively impact his energy.  There were Facebook posts about obsession, could my prayers be the cause of that? 

Maybe the prayers fuel an obsession within me. 
For a Christian, that would sound schizophrenic.  For someone raised as a Pagan, it is a way of life. Our energy impacts others. Loving energy sends positivity and luck. Negative energy can be dangerous. 

I know his love is platonic.  Other men would never understand that.  The men I knew after him were always jealous of him.  No one seems to believe that men and women can just be friends.  I  find this hurtful and that thought made me push him away. 

How would he date if I were his friend?

This is why I pushed him away. 


If I love him and it is wrong, I pray that the universe gives it to the woman meant for him.  I've prayed this for years. 

I still feel this way. 

I think I'm broken. 

How does one turn love off? 

How does one stop? 

I rationalize it.  I tell myself that something drove us apart, even if I don't know what it was.  Something keeps us from talking to each other, even if I don't know why we are so guarded.  There is something missing in me, something wrong with me, perhaps it is best if we don't speak. 


If only I could remember what the problems were...maybe then it would go away. 


I hypnotize myself to remember the past.  It always comes back funky.  I really don't know what happened.  I want to know but maybe I'm not meant to remember.  It must have been bad. 

I rationalize my desire to run away and hide. 

Then I see a stupid little feather on my clothing and realize that I'll be here for him no matter what. 

I have to because that is the nature of love and that is the nature of friendship.  Some friendships can't be undone despite time, despite distance.  Love is what it is.  I'll stop fighting it.


Love ya,

S.