25th High School Reunion

I was invited to my 25th high school reunion a couple of days ago. 

This is killing me. 

Last time, all I did was fight with the ex.  One of the former football players was picking up on me while some guy I never met was snapping my picture under the table blinding me with the flash.
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I was so irritated, I went to the bar and got a "Mike's Hard Lemonade."

Then Mike started in on me...

he never saw me with an alcoholic drink before....
and I was a little snarky one...

I started laughing about how beautiful it was that I could use his name and the word hard in the same sentence. 

Oopps! 

We left the party to try to sort out our differences.  It was soo bad, we skipped the final day of the reunion. 

This time....everyone knows we're separated. 

When he left on Christmas Day in '08, I posted it to Facebook. 

Only a weasel would leave his wife and children on Christmas day. 

I didn't really take him back. 
He had no where else to go when he ran out of funds a week later. 
He took his room in the basement.  We've been in this bizarre state since then. 

Then I realized I couldn't leave him if he wasn't working because we'd lose all of our assets if I didn't stay to help him.  I also don't want to pay alimony to a moron who complains whenever I try to hold a job. 


Everyone knows I'm staying in this house.  They seem to see my pain. 


A couple of classmates have accused me of suffering from 'ex guilt'.  They say that he'll be able to grow up and get what he needs.  They say that I need to follow my heart.  They say that I need to get my needs met.  They tell me that life is too short to put up with this painful crap. 

There is one guy who I think is trying to pull the waiting in the wings stunt. 

It almost worked.  I have a teensy, weensy crush on him. 

He is a former classmate.  I remember him, in his letterman's jacket, sitting behind me in Social Science class with his textbook in his lap.  He remembers my tight sweaters. 

But...I had a crush on someone else at the time.  The next year, my crush and I would become quite close, so close in fact, no one would approach me until we broke up.  Everyone said we acted like an old married couple.  It was obvious that we were an item. 


I have no secrets. 

Mike knows. 

It's just a little crush....

It would never work with this man.  I get on his nerves too much.  We'd never be able to spend more than an hour at a whack together. 

After twenty minutes or so the conversation gets raunchy.  Then he needs a cigarette and then he goes home. 

Sigh...

He's bald. 

I think it's hot. 

I mean....I can't exactly say why I think it's hot but I think it has something to do with another bald head that I've come to worship over the years. 

One day...Mike was worried about losing his hair. 

"Don't worry", I told him.  "It's the hottest thing on the planet."

"Really?"  he starred at me in disbelief. 

"Yep" I grinned, "As above, so below."

Six months later, I kid you not, I heard him quoting this to someone he worked with! 

I am so damn embarrassed! 

Really!!! 

I never intended for other people to know that!!  I'll never be able to go with him to a company picnic without dealing with the single truck drivers who know we are in one of those 'it's complicated' type of pissy, lonely, celibate, for the kids relationships. 

I am not a lot lizard. 

Oh no....I realized on that day that I truly needed to hold back my thoughts from someone I used to be able to share anything with. 

Now...I don't know what to do. 

Five years ago, I promised to help with the planning of the next reunion.  I promised to support the people putting it on

but I don't want to go. 

All I do is go to those damn things and think of Tom. 

I'm not sure if it's going to be worse this time around...I won't have anyone to flirt with to ease the loneliness.  I mean, in the past, when I got bored...I'd just reach around and [censored]. 

My exes always followed me.  I'm told that they like to watch me walk.  I think they just like being fondled. 

Sigh....


This time I won't have the distraction of a knock down, drag out fight and booze with a punishing name. 

I can't take my beautiful bald crush because, I think, this would count as a fourth date.  When we last met, I saw the look in his face.  I heard him question when I was moving out.  He had found me a new apartment.  He tried to help me get a job.  I know what he wanted.

He wanted to save me. 
At the time, I was pretending to be a politician and I told him I didn't want my misbehavior being mentioned in the paper.  He understood. 

Since then, things have gotten so bad I think I'm going to have to wait it out a little longer.   During the campaign, I had my credit destroyed and the 401K raided.   I'm flipping pissed. 

I should have taken the apartment and filed for a divorce before the crap hit the fan. 


The most painful part if it is the sleeping alone part.  It was fun the first year.  Back in '01, I had baby and we co-slept.  The second year was okay, too.  I had time to work in bed.  By about '08, it began to hurt too much.  In '11, I spent the wee hours of the morning rehearsing speeches realizing that I hadn't been with a man in so long that I feared sex more than I feared public speaking. 

After awhile, I just started to drink myself to sleep. 
I stopped doing that.  The sugar makes me fat. 

No matter how fat I became, my crush didn't criticize me. 

As I began to chunk out, he would say that I had "more Va Va Voom".

Ooohhh....

he likes curves. 

How sweet is that? 

He's going to make the right woman so very happy someday. 

I wish I had someone I could take with me. 

I couldn't imagine who it could be.  I'm obsessing about past relationships, probably in the hopes of learning how I mess everything up, I don't think it would be fair to take anyone with me.  I have realized that there must be something wrong with me for things to get this bad.  I have to find that flaw and fix it. 

What I really want to know is this....

if I can hypnotize myself to have mind blowing o's while looking at certain colors, why can't I hypnotize myself to not love my high school sweetheart? 

I've tried....

I can stop eating chocolate.  I can stop drowning in rum.  I can stop screaming at dork muffins who want to raise taxes on the poor and give the money to their rich buddies.  I can even hypnotize myself NOT to flirt with bad politicians in an effort to manipulate them (which is far too tempting sometimes)

but I can't hypnotize myself to stop loving someone. 

If I could stop loving him, it would be hella easier to move on. 

Maybe...I can hypnotize myself to come down with the flu in mid-July. 

Hmmmmm......

It could work. 

Love,

S.

Edit sometime later:

I was thinking about the pervert with the camera who was taking pictures of women underneath the tables. 

I don't know who he is but I may go just to play a trick on him. 

I'm going to wear a short skirt and beige undies.  Then I'm going to write on my thighs.  On the left one it will read "you'll never" and on the right one "get here"

I'll spread my legs when he aims his flipping camera and give him a shot of skin. 

Maybe he'll get a little thrill in the darkroom. 

Better yet, I wonder what if they make prosthetic male parts that I could strap onto my leg. 

I don't have to wear it unless I know for sure the guy is there. 

Hmmmm.....

I know just who to ask about the strap on....

I'll let you know. 

It's fun to be a brat. 

Love,

S.