My Daily Morning Freak Out

Well....

I woke up at 3:00 a.m., like I always do.  I mediated until about 5:30 or so. 

I didn't hear my ex's car start this morning.  He usually leaves around 4:00 every morning and comes back around 7:00 at night. 

I started to have a panic attack. 

Could he be dead? 

He is over 500 pounds. 

He does have sleep apnea. 

He's been having a lot of headaches lately. 

Maybe he's lying on the basement floor gasping for air. 

Now....I've been freaking out like this for months now.  He started sleeping in until 3:00 p.m. on the weekends (leaving me to deal with the kids despite me trying to go out and earn money).  I don't hear him snore.  I don't hear him move.  I worry that I'm going to find him blue. 

Last week, it was worse. 

Last Thursday, around 3:30 in the morning, I heard the front door open but no engine start.  I waited.  I waited.  Around 4:15, I ran downstairs, flung on the porch light and found that he was a-ok...just rocking out to some music in his new car. 

Whew...

I'm terrified I'm going to have to be the one to find his cold lifeless body if he doesn't lose some of that weight. 

Do I stay? 

Do I go? 

What the heck do I do? 

The lawyers want me to take the kids and the house.  They say that it would be cruel to let the kids live with someone so out of shape, angry, and who is never at home.  He's really not in the best of health.

He makes more money than I do.  It would be cruel for me to take them if I can't feed them on my own.

He says if I leave him, he'll stop visiting the kids and get rid of the house so they have to go to another school.  I stayed.  Now, he's saying he'll keep the house and apologized for trying to coerce me to stay in this house with him.  That trick worked for four years.  It hurt me deeply. 

We have daughters.  Teenage daughters need their fathers; they keep the filthy boys at bay. 

This morning....after fretting and worrying for a couple of hours, I get the urge to run downstairs.  Will I find him alive?  Do I need to grab the phone and be prepared to dial 911. 

Something was off...I knew it!

Well.....

He was alive and breathing. 

He was having his manly alone time. 

He was getting off...

I wish he'd find a woman to do that for him. 

Love ya,

S.