Darn you...

I got rid of all the photos...

I've done so many rituals to break the bonds...

I spent the weekend back home to do it all again.  I even took another ex with me in case I started thinking of you.  I broke sticks at all those old haunts and I couldn't sleep last night because my head was filled with worries about you. 

I light candles to Aphrodite and ask her to give my feelings to the one meant for you and to take them away...

They are still here. 

I'm considering a liquid lobotomy....well, that doesn't work as I've been trying that for the past few years. 

Last time, it took a hammer to the head, a violent attack, changing my name, hiding, and buying the gossip that you were bisexual to get me to stop missing you.  Well, that's not true.  I still missed you.  I just justified that you were happier with equipment that I didn't have. 

Then, I learned you were married to a girl.

I was pissed at the people who told me the lie. 

And before you laugh, you didn't help much.  You were the origin of the lie "Mr. I'm gay and she's a lesbian and we are dating to cover for each other." 

I actually began to think I scared you away from women. 

But alas....when I saw you cock your head, with glowing eyes, and hiding yourself behind your shoe, I realized why you took that pose. 

Oh my...goodness.   You are limber.  You must do yoga. 

I don't know...

You see...for twenty-five freaking years, I justified staying away because of the promise that you would be happier if I were gone.  I hid from you.  I ran from you.  I never wanted you to see me cry if I felt your presence. 

I did my best to move on. 

I realize what is bugging me now. 

I broke my own heart.  I let you go.  I didn't tell you the truth because I honestly thought my sacrifice would make you happier.  I thought you'd be happy that I disappeared and let you be who you are. 

Thrice now over three and a half years....I've spent hours with you.  I've seen you hold back pain.  I see your guarded eyes. 

Your sadness causes me to hold back tears and the last time I saw you, you mentioned that you were making me sad.  You could see it in my eyes. 

You can see things no one else sees in me. 

Still, after all these years, you know me better than anyone else. 

I wish I could know you like that again. 

I've got to kill that thought.  I can't reason it away.  I can't drink it away. 

I can't even wish it away. 

Maybe if I knew you were happy....maybe I could move on again. 

I need the delusion that my running off was the right thing to do. 

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. 

That's love, isn't it? 

Love must be wanting someone to be happy no matter the cost. 

Damn it, now I have to freakin' admit to people who ask that I love you. 

I have. 

The man in the basement knows. 

Everyone knows. 

Then it hits me that you probably know. 

Then I really truly want to run away. 

It's the hour of Venus on a Monday...perhaps the Goddess of love can help me get over it. 

I pray that you get everything I wish for myself.  It's my fault our souls crossed.  I am trying to fix it. 

I wish for love, joy, friendship, openness, trust, honesty, (censored), (censored), (fun censored), and (yummy censored).  Okay, this time I'll ask Aphrodite to scratch the last wish for you (unless I know your bi....me...I need that...there are only so many ways I can honor the Atkins's diet and grin at the same time).

Love,

S.