Until November

I had a startling revelation today.  I'm a little shocked.

Could I be playing around in the public eye so I don't have to face my loneliness and avoid relationships with men? 

Last February, I spent some time with a guy I had a crush on in high school.  We hung out on social networking sites for a couple of years but I knew his face when I saw him.  We had lunch.  We went out for coffee.

In the mid-eighties, he sat next to me in sociology class.  He was the quiet football player who always had a notebook in his lap.  I always thought that was cute.  He had dark curly hair and big blue eyes.  He was funny as heck and had a filthy sense of humor, just like me. 

He remembers my tight sweaters. 

I love talking to him.  We like to drink tea and tell filthy jokes.  Hours pass.  He's fun but...my life is a mess.   There was a day when I realized why he always thought about sex scenes from movies and would discuss them when we met.   When I realized that he needed to smoke a cigarette after those discussions and that he was affecting my physical state....I panicked. 

I took on something that would put me in the public eye as an excuse to avoid talking to him in this manner.  My project will be done in mid-November then we can hang out again. 

His father just died.  I should have been more of a friend to him.  I care for him. 

Then, there's another man  that  I respect very much.  He's a shrink and sees straight through me.  He knows what is going on and warns me that I must honor my needs or I'll go insane.   No worries...I tell him, I'm going to be so focused on my work until November that I won't notice. 
He's asking for a date. 

Then, a third friend of mine and I found ourselves in an awkward room full of intuitive counselor types.  It was a small therapeutic group and we did not know that the other was attending.  We had to get up and share our innermost thoughts in this awkward healing type circle.  The facilitator knows me far too well and hit the nail on the head when he mentioned that I had feelings for this man.  Yep, I do.  He's my friend.  I care for him. 

My friend knows where I am in my relationship but doesn't mind going out for coffee....thank goodness, I've got tons of interviews and appointments to keep for the next several weeks.

Whew!  Problem averted...by the time I get off my arse my friends will find their soul mates and invite me to their weddings.  At least, that was my hope.
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This is so awkward.  I tell myself its easier to stay married, even if it is a sexless relationship.  I'm married.  I can't mess around with men I care about.  I can't lead them on.  I can't....I can't...It's wrong, even if they know the truth.  It's wrong. 

So, I approach the man I'm married to and try to talk.  But.....he won't talk to me about anything pertaining to intimacy, money, retirement or work.  He'll talk about the men asking me out.  He'll explain their behavior to me. 

He'll tell me he wants to stay with me but....he won't talk to me without getting angry or quiet. 

I can't fathom how I can fix this.   

The worst part is that now that I'm in the public eye, people are approaching me telling me that they are worried about me.  They are afraid of my ex and his temper. 

I'm going to have to decide and do something soon. 

My high school sweetheart seemed concerned and told me it was just a matter of getting a couple of papers signed...he makes everything sound so darn easy. 

Maybe it's time....

I won't be able to continue to hide from my feelings anymore and I won't be able to continue to hide the truth from the people who meet me. 

Damn.....the next two months are going to be crazy.  It's do or die time. 

I wish I knew where I was supposed to me. 

Bear with me my friends. 

Love,

S.

P.S.  The funniest thing I've learned is that I don't fear performing in public as much as I fear talking to my ex and breaking his heart.  I can do just about anything now, except jumping out of planes.  I haven't tried that yet. 

Maybe I should...