Creepy Magical Oil to Get Men to Follow You

Okay...

I'm cheap.

I've always been cheap.

When I was a teenage mall rat, I realized that most of the older women who sold cosmetics behind the counter in the department stores were horribly wrinkled and had leathery skin. Upon visiting such counters and being told numerous times that they themselves used the $100 per ounce cosmetics they sold, I swore up and down that I would never be guilty of such a sin.

I began making my own.

Over the years, I've made tons of mistakes. I've burned holes in my face. I made myself bright orange. I've given myself rashes. I've actually sported purple hair.

Yes, I even make my own hair color (cinnamon, allspice and chocolate). It's funny, I've had complete strangers approach me in public, sniff my hair, and tell me that I smell like Christmas.

Making my own cosmetics is interesting and, you know, it's very easy to spot me with egg on my face.

Now, if only I could learn to tell a joke.

Over the years I've collected hundreds of pages of recipes. Long story short, my favorite recipes come from various pagan texts. If any group knows the value and use of weeds and herbs, the pagans do.

Whenever a friend has a baby with a rash, I whip up a batch of herbal oil with comfrey leaves, comfrey root, calendula, and lavender. It smells pretty good, cleans the skin and gets rid of rashes and acne. I throw in a bit of melted beeswax and it turns into a pretty decent skin cream.

The other day, I made a batch of herbal oil for a little one. I made 23 four ounce containers and that should last quite a while. I found myself with a liter of the herbal oil left.

So....I wondered if maybe I could make a more fun bath oil for myself. I hunted through my recipes and found a historical book filled with Voodoo recipes.

There was a recipe for Follow Me Boy Oil. Allegedly, the prostitutes in Haiti rub this all over their bodies to get more customers and to make men do their bidding.

I could feel an evil idea forming in my tired old brain.

I know a lot of stupid men who want to tax poor people out of existence, propose a lot of stupid laws, cheat on their wives, and one guy who wants to sell doctored up used cars to unsuspecting people. I reasoned that it might be worth my time to slather this stuff on my body and try to talk some sense into these dorkmuffins.

It was late. I wasn't thinking.

So, I gathered the herbs ...Calamus....Catnip...Damaina...Licorice...Vetiver.... and soaked them in the crock pot.

It had no smell. Hmmmm....I thought about it...and thought about it....and had a gross thought.

I have a vile of civet that I bought because a Wiccan told me that slathering it on my ex would make me want him and would keep me faithful. Things were going horribly and he liked how it smelled, so I splashed a ton of it on the poor guy.

It didn't work.

 

This is why we shouldn't mess with Wicca...especially if we don't know what we are doing. Yikes!

Standing at the counter, I decided that maybe I could go back to being with my ex if I used the civet. No, we don't talk. No, we don't....you know. We still share the same house. He still hangs in the basement. I have my room upstairs. I want to sell the house. He wants me to stay. Thank goodness he's easy going. How many men could put up with this situation for three years without going nuts?

He's a good man....he just doesn't like me.

Recently, I have noticed that he gets pissed when online stalkers send me unsolicited gifts, flowers and letters. One of these guys is starting to scare me a bit...ex has offered to confront him. That would probably make it worse because the scary guy is a marriage counselor. He'd read everything into anything said to him by my ex. It's best to leave the man alone with his fantasies, sell the house, change my last name and move.

I don't know....maybe my ex loves me....or maybe he just doesn't want to find my dead body and pay for my funeral. I don't know. I thought the civet was worth a try....staying would be cheaper. Besides if all men are devils, perhaps it would be wise to follow that old parable:

Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.

It was late. I wasn't thinking. I threw the civet in.

Now the concoction smelled bad...

So, I added nutmeg and cinnamon. It smelled like cookies. I stopped for the night and let the mixture cook in the crock pot.

The next day I bottled it up and started to use it.

I swear it makes me smell like sausage. No wonder men follow women who wear it.

They want breakfast!

I think I'll go back to using the smell free mixture cuz I'm cold as ice, not a good cook, and don't want to make promises that I refuse to keep.

But, if you want to try to get men to follow you....have fun with the recipe.

Love ya,

S.

Baby Ointment

1 part St. John's Wort
2 part Calendula
1 part Comfrey leaf
1 part Comfrey root
1 part Plantain
Olive Oil
Beeswax
Vitamin E

1. Put dried herbs into a crock pot.

2. Cover the herbs with oil. Use enough oil to cover the herbs plus another inch of oil above the level of herbs.

3. Heat the herbs and oil over a low heat for several hours ( about 5 hours).

4. Cool

5. Strain with cheesecloth.

6. Add beeswax to the oil and heat it until all the wax is melted.

7. Blend in Vitamin E (snipping a capsule works).

8. Pour your salve into containers and label.

Follow Me Boy Oil!

Sweet Flag/Calamus

Catnip

Damiana

Licorice

Optional: Vetiver, Bergamot (can cause sun sensitivity...I don't like using it), Sweet Orange, Tuberose

Instructions:

1. Grind and powder the dried herbs

2. Cover with one or a combination of these oils: castor, sweet almond and apricot kernel. Castor emphasizes the commanding aspect whereas the other two are believed to bring about an aphrodisiac effect (given the nature of the men I want to compel to behave, I won't even risk the use those oils just in case there is something to this voodoo thing).

Have fun!