Romance or Comedy?

Okay, I recently wrote that I wasn't sure if I was in a relationship. That is probably the wrong question. If one were to ask if I had a relationship, I would answer 'yes, I do.' I have many.

I have a relationships with my friends.

I have a relationship with the neighbor's cat.

I have a relationship with God.

I just wasn't sure if I had an intimate relationship. I am married but marriage does not equate to intimacy. We've been discussing divorce for awhile. As of now, we still share the same house until the market improves. I still do the laundry and I should know if I'm washing his skivvies there must be some type of relationship.

Maybe we have an old friendship without benefits and a house that doesn't smell of dirty laundry. Or maybe I just have a sparing partner who inspires me to piss off local politicians. Together we are a bizarre combination of hypnotic, vicious, persuasive, and comedic.

I don't know.

Confused, as I've been, I asked him if we were in a relationship. This isn't the first time I asked him this question.

In 1992, he announced to the world he loved me but forgot to tell me. His auntie, his cousin, his sister and mother called my apartment on numerous occasions and told me never to see him again. At the time, we were best friends. I had no clue that he liked me. After several of these phone calls, I asked him if we were in a relationship.

He bought me naughty underwear, two sizes too small.

Every morning I would find roses in my car.

In 1999, his mother was overtly angry that I decided to go to graduate school. In her view, only bad little married Jezebels were educated. Unmarried women can be educated but her son's wife had no business doing anything that didn't equate to being her slave. After one of her diatribes, my mother-in-law gave her son an ultimatum - get rid of your wife or we won't speak to you anymore. He was hurt and rarely spoke to me. He refused to talk to his mother. His relatives would call and scream at me for not forcing him to call his mother. It hurt. I was ready to leave. I asked him if we were in a relationship.

He bought me a ton of porn and kinky books.

Fast forward to 2009. I caught him lying to me about a multitude of things. I caught his former boss spreading lies about me (must have come from him or his family as I've never met this woman). Right now, I am unsure if we are in a relationship. He still misses his family. I'm feeling pressured to leave. We both are lonely as heck. I asked him if we are still in a relationship.

He bought me feminine hygiene products!

They were wrong brand and wrong size but, there they were, sitting in a shopping bag on the kitchen table. I tried not to lose it in a fit of laughter as he explained that only a married man could be seen sporting such items in a check out lane!

This is too funny!

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If you're a married guy - let me warn you not to try this one at home. There is a very good reasons for this. It is never safe nor amusing to assume that a married woman who wants to go for your throat is on the rag. You may really have pushed your luck somehow.

Still it is funny what passes for romance as time goes by!! There are days I really want to see just how the gears in that man's brain turn!

***

He just joined the Libertarian party; maybe if I stick around a little longer, he'll buy me a gun!

Well, maybe not so long as he feels the need to buy girlie things for me....

he may be too afraid!