Romance or Comedy?

Okay, I recently wrote that I wasn't sure if I was in a relationship. That is probably the wrong question. If one were to ask if I had a relationship, I would answer 'yes, I do.' I have many.

I have a relationships with my friends.

I have a relationship with the neighbor's cat.

I have a relationship with God.

I just wasn't sure if I had an intimate relationship. I am married but marriage does not equate to intimacy. We've been discussing divorce for awhile. As of now, we still share the same house until the market improves. I still do the laundry and I should know if I'm washing his skivvies there must be some type of relationship.

Maybe we have an old friendship without benefits and a house that doesn't smell of dirty laundry. Or maybe I just have a sparing partner who inspires me to piss off local politicians. Together we are a bizarre combination of hypnotic, vicious, persuasive, and comedic.

I don't know.

Confused, as I've been, I asked him if we were in a relationship. This isn't the first time I asked him this question.

In 1992, he announced to the world he loved me but forgot to tell me. His auntie, his cousin, his sister and mother called my apartment on numerous occasions and told me never to see him again. At the time, we were best friends. I had no clue that he liked me. After several of these phone calls, I asked him if we were in a relationship.

He bought me naughty underwear, two sizes too small.

Every morning I would find roses in my car.

In 1999, his mother was overtly angry that I decided to go to graduate school. In her view, only bad little married Jezebels were educated. Unmarried women can be educated but her son's wife had no business doing anything that didn't equate to being her slave. After one of her diatribes, my mother-in-law gave her son an ultimatum - get rid of your wife or we won't speak to you anymore. He was hurt and rarely spoke to me. He refused to talk to his mother. His relatives would call and scream at me for not forcing him to call his mother. It hurt. I was ready to leave. I asked him if we were in a relationship.

He bought me a ton of porn and kinky books.

Fast forward to 2009. I caught him lying to me about a multitude of things. I caught his former boss spreading lies about me (must have come from him or his family as I've never met this woman). Right now, I am unsure if we are in a relationship. He still misses his family. I'm feeling pressured to leave. We both are lonely as heck. I asked him if we are still in a relationship.

He bought me feminine hygiene products!

They were wrong brand and wrong size but, there they were, sitting in a shopping bag on the kitchen table. I tried not to lose it in a fit of laughter as he explained that only a married man could be seen sporting such items in a check out lane!

This is too funny!

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If you're a married guy - let me warn you not to try this one at home. There is a very good reasons for this. It is never safe nor amusing to assume that a married woman who wants to go for your throat is on the rag. You may really have pushed your luck somehow.

Still it is funny what passes for romance as time goes by!! There are days I really want to see just how the gears in that man's brain turn!

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He just joined the Libertarian party; maybe if I stick around a little longer, he'll buy me a gun!

Well, maybe not so long as he feels the need to buy girlie things for me....

he may be too afraid!

Unrequited Love - Marriage is Irrational

My lesson of the day is that marriage is irrational. It is, in my experience, it is best described as an exercise in unrequited love.

It is irrational to think that a married person can expect honest communication. It is irrational to expect fidelity. It is irrational to allow someone access to your assets and not expect them to be stolen. It is irrational to want to live in a relationship with compassion and understanding. It is irrational to expect someone to try to listen to your point of view or problem solve. It is irrational to want to have the kindness and love shared returned.

I did my best.
If all of our efforts to love our returned to us then why am I so alone?
I must be incapable of love.

People are people. They are going to do what they are going to do. We have no business expecting anything from anyone else. If I want to be kind, that is my business. I have no right to expect that it will ever be returned.

I guess it is true that women are irrational.

At least, they are irrational so long as they believe in marriage.

And, do you know what is equally irrational?

The men who think that women have to stay in bad relationships despite the pain.

Ex Sex

What the heck is romantic about trying to get under the covers with an estranged lover?

Nothing....

Here is a sampling of lyrics sung by a songwriter/artist who wrote a song about seducing his ex without trying to work through their stuff...

It's gonna be a cool night
Just let me hold you
By the firelight
If it don't feel right
You can go

The man who sings this song has a name similiar to my ex. Perhaps there is something with the name. I don't know. My estranged spouse has made it clear that he wants me to be with him but I am not to think, feel, share, talk, solve problems or have a life of my own; I do find this quite humorous. This morning I was informed that I am an extension of him who should be able to read his mind and do his bidding.

Well, then, if I am an extension of him akin to his right hand...he can command his hand to take care of his needs. It is the same thing, right?

Having no thoughts, no voice, no opinions and no place makes me feel slightly less valuable than a blow up doll.

Last night, he sent me a naughty poke via Facebook. When he approached me last night with the intention of doing the same thing in real life, I mentioned the hammer under my bed and asked him to leave.

He did.

What is it with ex sex?

I was married as a teenager. It was a very short 18 month stint in which the groom proclaimed that I was "a better mistress than a wife" and he wanted a divorce. He then proceeded to marry his beautiful mistress. They are still together. It pains me to hear them complain about each other. Karmic justice can be painful.

Four years ago, while visiting and showing off the backseat of his new car, my ex husband winked at me and I realized that he meant what he had said so many years ago. I think he was embarassed by that exchange - he never came to the house again at a time when my spouse was not at home. Over the years, there were other times when he was more openly naughty about his intentions but he was usually drunk so they may or may not count. No, I never had the heart to tell his mistress turned Mrs.

Honestly, though, maybe Roscoe is right. I'm a horrible wife. Men are only interested in me on a sexual level once we break up. That makes no sense.

I don't know why that would be.

Sigh....

Last August, I wanted to go out to California to study Erotic hypnosis. My ex and I were in the break up stage of our on again, off again marriage and I was confused. I mean really, are we a couple or not?
I don't know.
So, if I am tempted by someone else I may or may not be cheating. I try to avoid other men to an extent that I end up giving up things that I want to do when someone who has expressed an interest in me will be in attendance. The last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone.
Men can smell desperation. I can lie and say that I'm okay but men always seem to know the truth.
Last summer, I realized that going to the beach, near the sea that birthed Aphrodite, with men who share a similiar passion for hypnosis while studying the uses of trance on improving the sexual experience may or may not be a good thing for someone who is lonely as heck...
Would a starved vegan be tempted to eat huevos when presented in an eye-catching fashion?
Trust me, if not one of those men in the group liked me, I am sure there were others somewhere within 50 miles who would have been somewhat interested in learning new techniques. It is a big city and I understand that my current crush would have been near that area.
Going to California would have been a disaster waiting to happen.
Luckily, I was called to jury duty the same day the class was set to start, so I took that as an omen and would up irritating a judge rather than working myself up in sexual frustration.
Last month, I ordered the Erotic hypnosis training videos. I had originally planned on watching them today. I may or may not do this now out of my fear that I will allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I know I will give pause to think the most negative thoughts in the world; they always start off with
If only I had a....
I wish I could find....
What if.....
That is why I am blogging rather than watching hightly anticipated videos. Maybe I'll take a hot bath, some valarian and L-Tyrosine before loading up the DVD player.
Love ya,
Siegfred

On Chivalry

The truth is that chivalry only exists because

deep down

men are afraid of women!

What I should have been for Halloween...

I should have dressed up as a Blackwater Mercenary with the habit of bending misogynistic politicians over expensive desks while holding scary huge phallic devices.

Instead I just wore my lil' black dress with a black hat while wearing my freaky jewelry sent to me by the family of a deceased gypsy. Yes, on Halloween, I dressed as I do everyday...like the old W*tch I am. I would have dressed up like an old bat (my true persona) but I couldn't find a huge set of black wings.

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I certainly hope the wishing spelled ring that I've been wearing since Halloween isn't real because you don't want to know what I wished while listening to David Vitter's henchmen shhhhhhhhh the woman in this video.

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Some LA politician may want to get some holy water, just to be on the safe side.

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Cheerio!