And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked
To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting
~Howard Jones
What is Love?
***
I remember the day my marriage fell apart. It was three years ago, last June. We were sitting in a Burger King of all places and I was telling my spouse about a job that I wanted to pursue.
He refused to let me work. He is a little old fashioned.
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Before we married, he promised me that I could finish my doctorate in psychology. He promised me that I could work full time and that we would be an egalitarian couple. We would work together so no one would have to bear the brunt of the economic responsibility for our family.
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And so it was....until his family got involved. Ninety days into our marriage, his Mother and Uncle led my Husband outside while his Father, Aunt, and Sister along with several other family members cornered me in my own kitchen and yelled about my status as a student. I remember laughing that they didn't share their concerns until after the point that I could file for an annulment.
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It got worse, over the course of that first year. Members of his family would put me down in his presence: he wouldn't say a thing. Once he actually joined in the ridicule. Still, it wasn't my place to tell his family off. Yeah, I did though use reverse psychology on them from time to time.
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My feelings were hurt but I persevered.
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He brought debt into the marriage and he spent my money as he saw fit. He spent my savings on a house far away from the city against my wishes. He took my car when it suited him. The lack of resources made it tough for me to find ways to work around his demands. He made it tough for me to attend class or work. I couldn't be reliable for a boss that I respected dearly, so I gave my notice and left a job I loved.
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That kept the peace for a little while. But, I was broke (financially and spiritually).
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I am a high energy person. I love to work. I held my first job at fourteen. I loved it. Work allows me to expend my energy and meet new people. A the time, I had spent eight years out of the workforce and I really missed holding a job.
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I sat in the restaurant telling my spouse that I needed this opportunity. I begged. I pleaded.
He said "NO".
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Then, What is Love by Howard Jones began to pipe through the speakers of the restaurant.
Jones voice gently sang...
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And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be
The door always must be left unlocked
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I began to cry. I couldn't help it. The tears were silent. The pain was deep.
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I realized that with my spouse, I would never be allowed to make use of my education, my talent, or my experience. I was not allowed to leave the home and meet new people. My needs were not important enough to be met, let alone heard.
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I still cry when I hear that song.
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As a teenager, my high school sweetheart used to sing Howard Jones ballads to me. I doubt he remembers that. I'm surprised that I have that memory, but I do. My boyfriend left me so that I could pursue my dreams of college. I will always love that man for he was the one who taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
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No matter what I do, I will always see my old friend as that beautiful and wonderfully intelligent seventeen year old boy with all the curiosity and vitality in the world. I will always love my friend.
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To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you
And not to spend the time just doubting
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I recently saw my old friend. I pray he saw my love and concern in my eyes last time we met. I saw his confusion. I saw his pain. I also saw his concern. I tried to build him up and talk him into noticing all the women staring at him. He didn't see it.
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He never noticed such things. He never understood his unique beauty.
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I pray he finds the love of his life soon and that she is someone who can see his true beauty.
Until then, I pray he doesn't doubt that a friend will always love him unconditionally.
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Every time I hear this song, I will think of two men:
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one whose desires were more important than his love,
and one whose love was more important than his desires.
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