Memories of First Love

First romance, first love, is something so special to all of us, both emotionally and physically,

that it touches our lives and enriches them forever.

~Rosemary Rogers

***

 

I wonder why when we are in pain, some of us go back to think about the one that we initially loved. I don't know if it is an effort to remember the promise of love or the innocence of love before we became saddled with jobs, kids, and mortgages. It could also be that we know that one person in the world knew our inner child and can appreciate the circumstances that contributed to the foundational personality that we developed as children. Perhaps there is a kind of comfort in knowing that there will always be one person who knew and loved us before we grew into roles, earned degrees, personal fortunes, bought our first car, and gained our professional status.

I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder, if perhaps, it is because we want to know what went wrong in our fledgling relationship so that our future relationships are better.

I don't know.

Maybe, we think of each other in the hopes that we can remember some part of our souls that we lost along our path. Memories of our first loves often trigger memories of lost and abandoned talents and skills.

I don't know.

Part of me wonders, too, if perhaps the Creator didn't put a beacon on humans so that they always wanted to be with that one first love. It may have been some divine plan to make certain that people would stay together and never stray.

I don't know.

I do know that holding fond memories of one's first love is a universal phenomenon. Poets write about it. Musicians sing about it. Why in the world don't many psychologists study it?

I don't know what to do.

.

My first love was my best friend. We were complete opposites. He was smart, I was dumb. He was romantic: I was cold. I was nasty: he was reserved. He wanted someone as white as the snow: I could never be so prude or puritan. Still, I loved him more than myself, he deserved so much more than I could offer. He never could see the wonderful things that I saw in him and it made me so very sad. He deserved the very best of everything and things that I knew I could never give him. I prayed he found everything his heart desired.

What more would one want to wish her best friend?

Those feelings hold true for me to this very day. Through this complicated life, I have but one simple wish for my friend. I wish that he has the beautiful experience of love throughout his entire life.

 

The truth is, unfortunately, that life is full of ups and downs

no matter how much we wish for the constant happiness of others.

Now, as we approach midlife, we've found each other in the same mutually low point in our lives. We are both searching for answers about our paths. We will never know how things may have been. It doesn't really matter, does it? We had a beautiful opportunity to grow apart, develop new ideas, have new experiences, find new facets of our personalities. I'm sure we are both very different people and probably more incompatible than ever....yet the soul link remains.

 

Why?

.

I find myself with so many questions.

• Why, during such hard times, do first loves often think of each other?
• How does one find closure with his or her first love?
• What do people in this situation need to hear?
• How can former first loves possibly stay friends if there is so much emotion between them?

I don't know.

I sure wish I had the answers.

.

I'll keep praying....