Beautiful Beats

The most beautiful feeling in the world can be contained within a hug.

Oh, I underestimated the comfort found in the arms of a long lost friend that I believed to have been lost forever.

In those few moments, I noticed

how his eyes still sparkle in the sunshine,
how his arms are still strong and powerful,
how his hands vulnerably long for a connection,
how he trusted me still in spite of my stupidity,
and how his voice still resonates within me.

I am still shocked at my excitement that after years of praying and worrying for him,
his heart still beats in perfect rhythym.

That, to my ears, is the most beautiful sound in the world. The memory of that sound, coupled with those few moments, actually reduces me to tears.

No matter what, I am grateful for the opportunity to hear it.
It meant the world to me.

My personal lesson of the week

There is one sure fire way to predict which day you'll end up in an emergency room.

Here is the process. First, you need to become so sick that you neglect to do your laundry for several days. On the day when the only thing you have left is novelty underwear with a very explicit statement on the front you will be practically guaranteed an embarrassing ambulance ride.

It worked for me!

Your results may vary.

Another Love Quote posted by Lady Xanax

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?

~Friedrich Nietzsche

 

An Explanation of Sorts...

Vertigo is the conflict between the fear of falling and the desire to fall.

~Salman Rushdie

***

With this in mind, it is equally plausible that one has mentally fallen and doesn't want to physically show it for fear of doing more harm than good to the gentleman in question. When one loves, one only wants what is best for the object of her affections.

Sigh...

Love is undefinable and unpreventable. It is a force once cannot control or stop. It's there and I cannot do a darn thing about it. The only thing that I can do now is be honest about it. I made the mistake of avoiding my feelings: I think that created a lot of anxiety in myself and thus the vertigo.

Ah, live and learn.

 

Witch Doctors and Pills...

Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.

~Thomas Szasz

***

Well, Xanax doesn't work for my Vertigo. It's time to visit my Shaman. That always works.

I'll be back soon with clearer thoughts.

Love ya,

S.

***

Edit 9/1/09: okay, all it took was a chakra balancing session.

So far, so good. I guess the best medicine is that in which you truly believe, huh?

We'll see how it goes...

Now, I'm ready to annoy the heck out of everyone again!

Hooray!!!

You Spin Me Round...

Well, the funny things about aging are the little realizations that come along with experience. Sometimes those thoughts actually provide us weird insights into our personal experiences throughout the years. They can be life changing, too.

I've had a lot of time to think over the past few days as my life has revolved around emergency rooms, my bedroom, and low dose Xanax. It's a weird story and I'll explain later in the post.

Last week, I met an old flame. Sigh...He's just as I expected. He's still adorable. He still makes me anxious, anxious enough to sweat, make my head spin, grin like a she-devil, and forget how to speak.

George A. Miller asserted that the human brain can hold seven (plus or minus two) bits of information in working memory at any given time. I was born at the short end of the stick and most of my five or six bits of information are used up thinking about various adult themed activities. That is how I explain my inability to think about more than one thing at a time. I tried explaining that to my first love but couldn't remember Miller's theory let alone the punchline.

Luckily, he remembered the theory and corrected me. Still, that voice made me forget the joke.

Yep, while speaking to this man, I can't even explain the most mundane psychological theory because I forget about everything on my mind except certain thoughts that I will never admit to having in polite company. I actually had to avoid looking into his beautiful blue eyes for fear of self-betrayal.

My personal term for it is Arousal Aphasia caused by decreased blood flow to the brain. It is a phenomenon that I have only experienced with this particular gentleman.

Some things never change, even after two or more decades...

Then it hit me, I should have married someone who induced Arousal Aphasia, thus keeping me quiet.


Think about it. What could be more perfect than a guy who is so hot that he makes his significant other forget how to talk? She can't nag, can't complain, can't verbally tell him to clean the gutters, or pick his dirty tightie whities up off of the bedroom floor. She'll just grin and put into play one of those six thoughts that are being held in short-term memory.

Sigh...

I wonder if this is actually part of the Creator's grand scheme and our innate design. Maybe the Lord actually intended for every woman to get so hot for her love that she can't verbally harass him and mess with his brain over the years.

The older I get the more I appreciate God's vision.

Well, it's too late now. I wish I knew this years ago. So girls, I share this to spare you the trauma. Marry the man who makes you spacey so you don't have a chance to turn into an old snarling female dog like I did. If you can't talk, then you can't nag, and your love can't hate you.

Cool...

And yes, this gentleman still makes me swoon. It was so bad that I had leave early and go home. I may owe him an apology for acting like I just got off a spinning amusement park ride and grabbing him (and no, it was just coffee, and pizza, nothing else...really). Thank goodness we aren't closer: I don't think I'd survive.

That afternoon, I somehow managed the long teary drive home before falling down in the garage. I thought it would end.

It didn't.

Over the next few days, I passed out at a bookstore (looking for a book I promised HIM). I nearly passed out in a class. Riding the Light Rail was tons of fun, too. On the bright side, I'll never have to visit Six Flags again: I'll just carry the man's picture in my pocket.

Over the weekend, my stupor got to the point that my friends forced me to the emergency clinic. I thought I was being stupid until the doctor said gave me a diagnosis of Vertigo and gave me an oxygen mask before hooking me up to an IV. Whoa...seven days later and I'm still dizzy.

The man still has it.

I sure hope he feels like a stud now.

Go forth, my dear friend, and find a hot woman to make swoon into oblivion. Oh yeah, make sure she has health insurance, too.

What is a soulmate?

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be.

Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise.

 Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.

~ Richard Bach

It Happens To The Best of Men

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness,

but after that he begins to bunch them.

-unknown

Love the other more than yourself...

Love seeketh not Itself to please,

Nor for itself hath any care,

But for another gives it ease,

And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
~William Blake

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Everything that deceives also enchants.
~Plato

When one is with an adorable individual of the opposite sex and trying to hide certain feelings, she should avoid using the strategy of refusing to look in the gentleman's eyes for fear of revealing herself.

It's awkward.

It doesn't work.

It often backfires because curiosity creates the most tenacious suitors.

Worse, anyone that she speaks to within the next 24 hours will know something is up because she'll smile a bit too much, still be blushing, have a more melodious voice, and unable to form coherent speech.

Sigh....

Ah, live and learn.

The lesson?

Pay attention to philosphy

and

don't hide those insane feelings

...own them!

Why?

You love simply because you cannot help it.

~ Kim Anderson

Better Than A Chastity Belt...

If a girl is serious about keeping a vow of celibacy and she wants to do away with any possibility of breaking said vow there is one thing that she can do. It never fails.

All she needs to do is take a course from the CDC on VD, STDs, and all sorts of things that make people cringe, itch, cry, and/or burn the morning after.

Oooh....

Whoa....

Really?

Oooh...

Full body condoms anyone?

Okay, to be completely honest the influence will probably last about six months or so...then she may have to take a refresher course.

Isn't life fun?

Scattered Days....

We all have dark times when we crawl into a little corner of our soul to re-assess the issues in our lives. Some of us like share the darkest times in our lives with others: some of us like to hang out by ourselves and meditate to our binaural machines trying to figure out what in the world is going on.

After two weeks of deep meditation, I decided if I can't figure out a big problem because it makes no sense then it is time to turn it over to a higher power - my attorney.

Then, after that decision, I smiled and pulled myself up with the intention of making new friends. I walked outside to go to the coffee shop and get something to break my doldrums. The sun hurt my eyes and burned my pale skin. It was at that precise moment I realized that....

this must be how cockroaches feel when someone hits the lights in the middle of the night.

Goodness, I'm scattered.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

Friends Forever...

Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.

Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.

~ Elie Wiesel

Two Extremes

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.

Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.

Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Memories of First Love

First romance, first love, is something so special to all of us, both emotionally and physically,

that it touches our lives and enriches them forever.

~Rosemary Rogers

***

 

I wonder why when we are in pain, some of us go back to think about the one that we initially loved. I don't know if it is an effort to remember the promise of love or the innocence of love before we became saddled with jobs, kids, and mortgages. It could also be that we know that one person in the world knew our inner child and can appreciate the circumstances that contributed to the foundational personality that we developed as children. Perhaps there is a kind of comfort in knowing that there will always be one person who knew and loved us before we grew into roles, earned degrees, personal fortunes, bought our first car, and gained our professional status.

I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder, if perhaps, it is because we want to know what went wrong in our fledgling relationship so that our future relationships are better.

I don't know.

Maybe, we think of each other in the hopes that we can remember some part of our souls that we lost along our path. Memories of our first loves often trigger memories of lost and abandoned talents and skills.

I don't know.

Part of me wonders, too, if perhaps the Creator didn't put a beacon on humans so that they always wanted to be with that one first love. It may have been some divine plan to make certain that people would stay together and never stray.

I don't know.

I do know that holding fond memories of one's first love is a universal phenomenon. Poets write about it. Musicians sing about it. Why in the world don't many psychologists study it?

I don't know what to do.

.

My first love was my best friend. We were complete opposites. He was smart, I was dumb. He was romantic: I was cold. I was nasty: he was reserved. He wanted someone as white as the snow: I could never be so prude or puritan. Still, I loved him more than myself, he deserved so much more than I could offer. He never could see the wonderful things that I saw in him and it made me so very sad. He deserved the very best of everything and things that I knew I could never give him. I prayed he found everything his heart desired.

What more would one want to wish her best friend?

Those feelings hold true for me to this very day. Through this complicated life, I have but one simple wish for my friend. I wish that he has the beautiful experience of love throughout his entire life.

 

The truth is, unfortunately, that life is full of ups and downs

no matter how much we wish for the constant happiness of others.

Now, as we approach midlife, we've found each other in the same mutually low point in our lives. We are both searching for answers about our paths. We will never know how things may have been. It doesn't really matter, does it? We had a beautiful opportunity to grow apart, develop new ideas, have new experiences, find new facets of our personalities. I'm sure we are both very different people and probably more incompatible than ever....yet the soul link remains.

 

Why?

.

I find myself with so many questions.

• Why, during such hard times, do first loves often think of each other?
• How does one find closure with his or her first love?
• What do people in this situation need to hear?
• How can former first loves possibly stay friends if there is so much emotion between them?

I don't know.

I sure wish I had the answers.

.

I'll keep praying....

Don't Doubt Your Heart

"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."

~ Elbert Hubbard

A true friend doesn't expect you to self-edit. We tend to engage in self-editing when someone has hurt us or failed to listen to us in the past. We do this when we are unsure of ourselves and fear being misunderstood.

If you are talking to a true friend, you don't have to change your words or worry about things being misunderstood. A true friend will always read between the lines anyway. She'll know what you mean by the look in your eyes and hear it in the tone of your voice.

Most of all, when she gets confused, she will ask for clarification because it's easier than worrying or wondering about your state of mind.

Sometimes we can over-edit our words and cause the original meaning of our messages to get lost. That's a shame. A true friend will always respect your beautiful soul and

a true friend will always want to know what beauty resides within your heart.

 

Incompatibility

Sometimes we have to let our loved ones have their little self-created dramas. It is so hard not to laugh when we realize that their own silliness has let them to create the situations that they are in.

They own their dramas.

You do not. 

Somewhere out there....

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,

And finds in your presence that life is worth while,

So when you are lonely, remember it's true:

Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.

~Unknown

The True Source of Wisdom

Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first.

Ask questions, then feel the answer.

Learn to trust your heart.

~ Author Unknown

Reality is NOT Completely Negative...

There is a difference between a pessimist and a realist:

the pessimist closes her eyes while the realist opens the eyes of others.

The Wicked Fear Sincerity

I learned a lesson courtesy of a City Attorney yesterday. People in power are not afraid of money,connections,or power. They are not afraid of intellectual knowledge and getting caught breaking the law (at least that's how it is beginning to look after I started digging into things...how disappointing).

.
The only real threat to people who believe that their public position confers power for them to abuse and intimidate other people is purity of purpose

.

If you don't want anything except information and a policy change from an organization, they can't make you go away! It's interesting just how much power one can obtain from non-attachment to money or ego.

.

I heard a story that seemed unbelievable from someone that I knew so I did the responsible thing and checked into it. I learned quite a bit from that experience.

.

In a nutshell, this city that I live in will refuse to refer "problem" employees to the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) program that we taxpayers pay for. I wanted to share my opinion by explaining that this could become a liability issue for them (and taxpayers, too) if an employee has a mental health/health issue that could pose a danger to others.

I asked who I needed to write in order to have them consider a change to their HR policy that mandates that they let every single "problem" employee know about EAP and their right to see a medical doctor if the "problem" could possibly be due to a medical or psychiatric disorder. My point was that by letting every person know about their right to see a doctor, potential problems could be solved and no one was being singled out as having any type of disorder.

I was informed that this was impossible: there is no way that city officials will change their policy.

They won't tell current employees about the EAP or ask them to consider visiting a doctor if they exhibit signs of a disorder (i.e. sleeping at work, alcoholism, shaking on the job, rage, or addiction - internet, drugs, and so on). My only guess about this is that they probably don't want to accommodate people with disabilities. I pray I'm wrong.

On some level it looks like a revenue generating scam. Their latest procedure for dealing with "problem" employees involves billing people for 2.5 days of pay (post payroll taxes) for infractions. One should realize that this "solution" doesn't deal with the underlying issues relating to the problem (i.e. interpersonal relations, lack of job training, unclear expectations, hostile work environment, and so on). The person in question paid $500 post tax in fines due to unsubstantiated claims (the lawyer said they had no concrete proof of the alleged wrong doing).

My understanding is that the supervisor who is alleging the wrongdoing gets to pocket the money. 

Don't they realize that they are losing productivity by engaging in that process? That is a waste of taxpayer money!

In my conversation with the City Attorney, I learned a few other disturbing things, like the propensity for the local Police to ignore allegations of domestic violence, even if they believe them to be credible. I'm checking into the legality of that one. By the account of the City Attorney, this person was fired because of a rumor that he had thrown his wife into a wall. Due to this rumor and the belief that he had "an anger management disorder" as diagnosed by another tax auditor, he was escorted off City property by a police officer he worked with.

Get this, the police officer actually told this man that he had an "anger management issue".

 

Does it really make sense to send a purported batterer believed to have an anger management disorder home after being publicly humiliated and fired? No. That's a recipe for disaster, isn't it? Is it smart to send an angry man believed to beat his wife home to a house full of kids? That officer worked side by side with my friend and knew he had several children.

Something doesn't make sense.

 

If a police officer believes that someone was being physically assaulted in one's own home by someone with an "anger management issue" (and states that as a fact), why wouldn't he have a colleague perform a wellness check on the household?

 

Maybe Police Officers don't have to act in this situation.

...perhaps that's something that should inspire a new law.

.

 

Getting back to my main point, I realized that people are afraid of people who don't want anything except the truth. No amount of money will make the truth go away. No threat will make the truth go away. Shame will never make the truth go away, either.

.

Yes, this lawyer even tried to shame me. You can always tell when you have caught someone doing something wrong; when

(1) he or she yells at you,

(2)he or she makes incorrect assumptions about your personal life in order to attack you,

(3)he or she attacks your personality and intelligence,

(4) he or she claims to have knowledge of very private information about you, and

(5) he or she slams the phone in your ear.

 

Why me?

.

Okay, I always believed that God threw crap at the people who are obnoxious enough to clean it up. Personally, I can't resist using the mop because I hate messes. The problem, though, is that I usually end up rolling around in the fodder with the wrongdoers until they end up hanging themselves.

.

 

Yes, I like peace

but

I like justice more.

Sometimes it only takes one voice to get the ball rolling. Even if the powers that be at this particular city are successful in silencing my voice, the people around me will hear my words. The seed will be planted. Other people will have similar experiences and they will become vocal as well. Eventually, entire groups of people will be able to harvest the fruit from the trees.

.

It will change. It is only a matter of time.

.

I did thank the lawyer and the other players for the opportunity to give me something new to learn about. She seemed puzzled by that. God brought this issue and these people to me for a reason.

.

Only good will come from this....trust me.

.

 

Onward and forward.....

Charge!!!!

 

Edit 8/28/08: I've written to numerous city officials with no response. Through calls to various domestic violence advocacy groups, I have learned that Police Officers must investigate credible accusations of domestic violence if it is known that there are children present. I'll give the powers that be out here a few more days to answer my letters before I turn it over to another level of jurisdiction.

.

As far as billing employees for "lost productivity", it is illegal for private employers to engage in such practice as per state Wage Law. Municipalities and government entities don't have to follow Wage Law. That should change. Luckily, government employees here have the option of joining a union. Perhaps it's about time for the union to come here.

The man who was fired has contacted the union. After my run in with the abusive City Attorney, heck, I'll volunteer a few hours to stand outside the city building and hand out union information. It seems that may be the only way to get through to the arrogant people in charge at the city.

Besides being unfair for workers, the practice of arbitrarily billing employees for "rumors" makes the City look bad. If a municipality is going to rob its employees, what the heck are they going to do to small business owners? The message that I'm getting is loud and clear: stay away.

.

And, also, to the City Attorney who scorned me, I'd like to tell her to never make assumptions about people. She never met me. If she had, she would have known that I am a former victim's advocate and that I'm passionate about laws and public policies that help men and women escape Domestic Violence. She would also know that my children and I used to volunteer countless unpaid hours to the City as well (never again).

On a personal level, I really want to tell this woman that it is inappropriate to assume that two people with the same common last name sleep with each other. That was a cruel and depressing assumption to make about a celibate woman, you know.

Sigh...

Anyhow, my curiosity was piqued by all this Municipal misbehavior. I'm not done yet. We'll see what happens...

Indifference

"Not to him who is offensive to us are we most unfair,

but to him who doth not concern us at all."

~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Look Ahead...

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.

~Patrick Henry

Forge Ahead...

"We are products of our past, but we do not have to be prisoners of it. God's purpose is not limited by your past. He turned a murderer named Moses into a leader and a coward named Gideon into a courageous hero, and he can do amazing things with the rest of your life, too. God specializes in giving people a fresh start."

~Rick Warren

Amazon Power Days....

A girl knows that she's had a bad day....

when she doesn't flinch at the realization that the scruffy man sitting next to her on a public bus is whittling away a piece of plastic with a very sharp long bladed knife.

To tell the truth, I felt safe.

I knew that if he tried anything,

I could take him down in a flash.

I forgot to take my Midol today.

Fail or Bail?

"For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life."

~Joyce Brothers

True Love

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good

as far as it can be obtained."

~C.S. Lewis

Answers to Questions on Christianity

Happy Friendship Day - August 3, 2008

A true friend will never accuse you of raiding the cookie jar no matter how many crumbs are on your face or pants!

She'll just smile, knowing that if she really wanted cookies, you'd share those crumbs...
sigh....

Happy Friendship Day!

Will you share your ice water, too? I need to splash it on me, now!

Here's to lying, stealing, and cheating!

May you lie to save a friend;

May you steal the heart of the one you love;

and may you cheat death.

~ Irish Drinking Toast

Native American Prayer of Thanks

Great and Eternal Mystery of Life, Creator of All Things, I give thanks for the beauty You put in every single one of Your creations.

I am grateful that You did not fail in making every stone, plant, creature, and human being a perfect and whole part of the Sacred Hoop.

I am grateful that You have allowed me to see the strength and beauty of All My Relations.My humble request is that all of the Children of Earth will learn to see the same perfection in themselves.

May none of Your human children doubt or question Your wisdom, grace, and sense of wholeness in giving all of Creation a right to be living extensions of Your perfect love.

Source: spiritwalk.com

Regret...

She loved him enough to wish that he found perfection.
She knew she could not be everything he deserved.
She couldn't give him a mountain of gold.
She couldn't give him purity.
She couldn't look like the models in Vogue.

He deserved the very best,
Something that she could never be.
So, when he walked away she made sure he didn't see her looking back.

She saw him watching her but stayed silent.
She would walk away when she saw him around.
For years, she tried to fight what lived in her heart
because it was for the best of the one who meant the most to her.

She's an idiot.

She still wants him to find a stunning beauty to match his perfection.
She still wants him to find his fortune.
She still wants him to share his talent with the world.
She still wants him to find all those wonderful things he wanted and deserved.

But now, she aches that he's alone.
He's not himself.
He's buried in pain.
The world is being cheated out of the beauty of a human being who is,
like we all are,
a work of divine art.

She blames herself because, maybe,
she could have stayed with her friend
and kept an eye on him,
reminding him of who he truly was made to be,
and making sure he knew he was loved.

Maybe that was all he really needed after all.

No Wonder Everyone Knows....

True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist,

Nor can it be hidden where it truly does.

~ Anonymous

I Remember Romeo's Smile...

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

~ Glenn Beck