Help

So,

I couldn't sleep...I can't stay here any longer.

It hurts too much. Where am I going to get the money to leave this hell hole?

I thought about quitting my business and my job. They actually cost me far more money than I make. That's normal for the first couple of years though....but this isn't a time when I can afford to do that.

I told Mike that I couldn't afford to file for a divorce and that I was depressed. He ran to his car and said he was going to get the money from the our retirement account. I begged him to stop, he left anyway. That was three hours ago.

He did that last March. The money did not go to a divorce. He left me with a tax debt and less to retire with.

I can't live like this. I thought about doing something stupid. I actually sat in the car for 40 minutes in the garage contemplating doing something stupid. Maybe it's not so stupid; I mean the kids could collect social security. Mike could afford to be dumber a bit longer.

Maybe it would be a good thing to do...

Not at home....I could go do that in the mountains where no one will find me.

Here's the thing... I want to live.

If I dare drive myself to a cabin in the mountains, I will just end up moving my unofficial separation somewhere else. I don't want to die. I want to leave this moron who continues to lie and steal from me.

I know I'll get to see the kids if I leave because he needs a free babysitter!

I'll give it another 24 hours....maybe I should take my van to the mountains, find a cabin with wifi and live there.

I realized that he has been emotionally abusing me for 20 years. Whenever I do something, anything...I end up dealing with crap dished out by people he knows.

His family would harass me on the college campus (no shit).
He and his sister would bug me at work.
I try to start a business and they take my money (or quit his job, or take a job working the same hours I see clients and demand I provide free childcare).
Now, I'm having to deal with shit from his former employer.

That doesn't even account for the physical abuse...he's never really hit me. He just hits things in my periphery and bellows so loud it embarrasses me. I usually give in to that.

Lately when he comes close to hitting me or he gets in my face, I tend to push him. Then it gets violent. I get hurt and bruised. This has only happened since Dec. '08, after the court transcripts blaming me for his job loss were sent to the house.

Let's just say, yesterday was bad. I confronted him about the lawyer's call. I'm bruised severely today. I need to stay away.

I finally figured out why he behaves this way.
I know why he lies...
I know why he badmouths me to anyone who will listen...
I know why he won't bathe....
I know why there are filthy underwear that smell like fabric toilets on the floor...
I know why he steals money...
and tantrums...
and treats me like crap.


He's trying to get me to leave so he can keep the house. He also misses his mom and his family hates in-laws. His extended family is putting a lot of pressure on me to leave so that they will talk to Mike again. The story is that so long as I'm at home, I hypnotize him not speak to his mom. So, in their family myth, I've got to go.

It's kind of funny...If he's only hypnotized when I'm at home, I don't know why that stops them from calling when I'm at work, or shopping, or taking a walk...but...who knows? Really, all they have to do is take me to the movies and whammo...they can call and talk! LOL!

Or, they can help him find a job and talk to him on his lunch break. Wouldn't that break the pseudo spell?

There is a different story about each in-law. Most people that marry into the family leave after a couple of years. One committed suicide by refusing to take his insulin.

I've got to go. I'm getting tired of the crap.

I don't want the house. I just don't want to starve, I need some of the money I put into the house back so I can get a fresh start. I'm terrified he's going to bankrupt on me and leave my creditors and business associates holding the bag.

He swears he won't even though his eyes dart back and forth. I keep catching him in huge financial lies. Again, this is new....before '08, he only blew a gasket when I left the house to go to work, go to school....whatever...it was easy to deal with. If creepy controlling men work, then you do your stuff when they are not home and pray their bosses don't give them permission to stalk you (yeah...I'm talking about his former boss).

After he lost his job at the city, he blows his top whenever I ask about money. He yells if I want to make a budget, plan for the future, take a new job, go back to school, or petty much plan for anything. How in the world can I own a business if I can't plan for anything? Damn...this is hard.

I realize that I'm going to starve whether or not I stay or leave. The kids don't have a prayer of getting what they need unless I'm able to obtain it for them. He won't do it. I have to. I can't work with a control freak at home. I've got to move now.

It seems impossible to leave the house for work because the fighting is so damn bad. It's hell to live here. I know what they call this....but it isn't domestic violence. You see, if he comes at me like a bat out of hell and scares me too much, he'll be eating a plugged in lamp or going into a seizure.

This is control from a man angry at his mother. He goes into trance, compares me to her and flies into a rage. There isn't anything I can do short of send his ass to therapy. Besides, male control but it is so ingrained in the culture you can't change it.

The police may help women like me but the courts will not. This is one of those things where we have to deal with it ourselves. Before women leave, they are pressured to take the abuser out of their lives completely. Once a victim leaves, the courts and its officers (including therapists) are quick to give the abuser permission to find her new home, information about her job, control of her schedule if visitation isn't static, and insight into her private life. You have more power before you leave than you do afterwards.

I actually heard a group of therapists talk about pushing legislation to make it illegal for a woman to return to an abuser. What the heck? Women return because they have more power. If a woman leaves, the guy has their joint assets, has a court order to invade her home under the guise of visitation (unless she has a restraining order which may or may not be honored by the authorities), and can legally harass the holy shit out of her (e.g. by rescheduling visitation for the middle of her work day so she can choose between losing her job or risking jail).

I've been there and I've done that. The courts just play along.

Sometimes you're better off with the devil under your own watch until you can move far away and hide or he finds a bimbo who will take up all of his time and buy you some peace.

Still, I've got to leave at any cost now. I know I'll lose everything....but if I don't I probably won't survive another year.

I'll try to write soon to let you know I'm okay.

Love,

S.