Unwanted Holiday Gift Rant

Man, I'm freakin' cursing a lot.

I need to get busy... I've been trying to write, to record, to develop a class but my creative facilities are completely gone.

I'm terrified.

I don't know where I'm going to live in three months. I've been told that I have until March to get my affairs in order. My ex is going to go bankrupt. I'm going to be left hanging. I don't know what to do.

I've cried so much that I lost my voice three days ago. I haven't returned phone calls. I've done the bare minimum. I'm debating liquidating my assets and cancelling contracts I've made with others.

I am leaving so many beautiful people hanging.

I'm frightened and it's hard to do much when you're freaking out.

Then, today my old flame from high school wrote to me. I am so frightened for him. Five years ago, I had a dream that he got in a car crash while driving a gold car. I freaked out and prayed. Then, on the eve of the winter solstace, I had a dream that this man visited me, sporting a cane, around the holidays. In the dream, he walks up to my house and calls my name as I'm shoveling snow. His voice hadn't changed. He comes in and visits wearing a long sleeved burgundy shirt and blue jeans. He has the same eyes. We share coffee. He flirts. I get vertigo. He leaves.

Two years ago, he came to visit me. I hadn't seen him in 20+ years. He looked just like the man in my dream. During that visit, I experienced vertigo for the first time. It's gotten worse over the past two years. I've had it nearly daily since mid-July of this year.

Sadly, I've toned down my work, hoping I will heal soon. The constant spinning makes it hard to think.

For the past 15 months, I've actually began to have freakish fainting spells, too. It's a little bit comical. I'll be looking at something; the view will get distorted and look like a cool painting. Then, the next thing I know, I'm on the floor and hours have passed.

This must be psychosomatic.
I don't get it.

Anyway, this old flame drove out to Colorado six months ago. That turkey bought a GOLD car and met me for lunch! I warned him not to drive a gold car. Scorpios don't listen to Pisces. They should! I don't mean to brag but many people do know that I 'see things' I don't want to see and they usually take my advice. Not him (he was with me when I predicted a suicide and attempted murder - I guess he forgot about that). Dude!! What the heck?

On the day we met, I sat in that restaurant freaking out because I was terrified my vision would come true cuz he drove the car that I saw in my nightmares.

Five months later, he broke several bones and never told me how it happened. Sometimes he'll tell me the truth about the severity of his injuries; other times he will minimize it. I KNOW that he's in pain. I have nightmares about him to this very day. I'm scared for him.

I want to be his friend - he needs a friend now.....but-

my heart won't let me be a decent uncreepy friend!

I'm so damn mad at myself.

Today I learned that he's coming to town. I know he sees this stupid blog.

So....dear friend...

Please don't be angry if I stay away from you. I realized today that I'm feeling the most unfair feelings towards you. It will be awkward. When you see it in my eyes it will suck the life force from your veins. My love always did. Your blue eyes turned gray. Your joy went away. I hurt you and I cannot ever, ever do that again. You are my friend. Friends don't do that to each other.

What the he!!?

Yep...I think those flames came back. I think I love you and not in the 'I want to pick on you and set you up with my hot friend' kinda love.

I'm in rebound mode. It's not pretty.

Remember, those flames have the sting of hell....and that is not a good thing.

Oh, man....it would be ugly....so ugly.

Besides, I'm 20 pounds heavier. I'm losing my hair (seriously....in the past month my hair has gotten so damn thin that my stylist complained about it). I've got cellulite. I found one gray hair (in a place I will not use henna). My skin is as dry as....uh....a Rhino.........

and my promises are as good as a RINO.

My intellectual facilities have been moved aside by stupid thoughts of skyclad acrobatic maneuvers.

No...no...NO! This is bad.

So bad...

Love makes no sense....especially now....it is a bain! Friendship is all that counts.

What the he!! is wrong with me?

Doesn't this suck? So, unless I can get together with ten hot single women for a visit with you, I can't say as much as "hello." I figure ten hot ladies will keep you distracted enough to ignore me.
That's the only solution I have for the issue. HELP!!!

Forgive me. So, unless I promise to sit my butt on a pile of cold, cold snow with naked pictures of ....uh....

man, I'm not sure anything could turn this off ....

it is that bad.

I've got to avoid our hometown while you are here. I can send something to your Mom's house, if you'd like.

I, though, need to stay the heck away.

I love you too much to amuse you in this fashion. Funny as it may seem, this is the stuff Freddie Kruger creates on Elm Street.

Not good....

Forgive me. I want to be there for you -but- this is too damn strange.

I miss being a prude, damn it. So, unless I can behave myself, I'm going to hide out in a cave somewhere this holiday season.

Praying this will pass,

S.

P.S. Happy Holidays - May you unwrap someone that you'll enjoy!