Passive Aggressive Baking B!tch

So....

The man in the basement mentioned that he was going on a diet.

Apparently, some sex doc on a talk radio show said that a man loses the equivalent of 1" off his member for each 20 pounds he gains. I've spent about an hour trying to find a transcript of that radio show cuz I really have got to hear or see that quote for himself.

Since the day I met him, he was always 100 pounds overweight. He's gained an additional 100 pounds since he lost his job.  I'd estimate his weight to be over 450 pounds now.

No, I can't hypnotize him because I promised that I wouldn't do that to him (don't want to be unethical or anything). I can't play my subliminal/brainwave stuff around him because it puts him into seizures. I can't cook for him because our diets don't mesh well (he likes meat...I like tofu...it's weird).

But hey, it looks like someone else found a way to motivate an improvement of his diet!

I'm wondering, if perhaps, he thinks there is nothing down there now. Do men actually worry about their size of their package pushing into negative numbers? Like, are they thinking that they can gain so much weight that it turns in on itself?

I don't know.

Getting fat will not neuter any man or turn him into a girl. Trust me on that.

I'm thinking that the sex doc may have said that a woman may sense an overweight guy as being smaller but, seriously, that would only be a boring woman with no creativity and an inability to twist into bizarre shapes.

Sometimes being double jointed can be a blessing. For me, though, it's been a curse. Lax joints are more prone to injury. Sex is fun but physical therapy.....well....not so much.

Anyhow....I couldn't help but immediately utilize this information. I had a brief communication with another ex where I offered to have his favorite neighborhood bakery send him some goodies for Thanksgiving. I'm thinking $100 worth of rich buttery cookies ought to make up for the pain he put me through acting like a depressed daredevil dork muffin and scaring the sh!t out of me.

Just teasing.... I won't have the baker send him so much sugar. I'll be incredibly evil. We'll send him the sugar free cookies!! That will kill his tongue more than it will shrink his perception of his package! That way, we can kill two birds with one stone; destroy his ability to taste and to get funky with it.

Beware of the evil ex!

Or better yet...just avoid her!

Muahahahaha!

LOL!

P.S - Hey! It's fun being a brat. I'm sure he's glad he ran away by now.  He dodged a super duper bullet. If  he has any doubts, I can always send him a topless picture and, NO, it will not be anything like that sneaky cleavage shot he took with his camera in the coffee shop.

Yes...I know about that.

My ex has a spank bank. 
This one will be of me without support. All I have to do is get naked and aim the camera at my ankles.

Just when I think he'll never speak to me again....he surprises me! I'm beginning to wonder if this is what G.W. Bush felt like when he claimed that his mission in Iraq was accomplished.

Sigh.... when he DOES find his true lady love, I'm going to miss picking on him. It's actually kind of fun.

Love ya,

S.