The Phoenix

Your journey never ends. Life has a way of changing things in incredible ways.

~ Alexander Volkov

***

When everything in life falls away, the universe is making room for better things.

What is beauty, anyway?

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.

~Kahlil Gibran

***

Someone called me beautiful today. To tell you the truth, whenever I hear it I ask myself

"What is beauty, anyway?"

To find the answer, I think back to the last few times I heard that I was beautiful.

• I listened to a neighbor tell me about a family issue.
• I sat at a bar with a complete stranger. He was recently laid off and was strategizing a new job search. It wasn't even closing time.
• I wrote a blog about following your dreams and the power of self-belief. A man wrote to tell me that I was beautiful. He actually stated that I "must hear that all the time".

Well, no, I don't.

Looking back on these experiences, I found one common thread. I think I finally figured this beauty business out. Beauty isn't about having the best make-up artist in the world. It isn't about nice clothes, or composure, or confidence.

Beauty is about being genuinely kind, compassionate, and seeing the unique beauty in those around us. It is a little more than that: beauty is reminding people about those unique qualities that make them special so that they can see those qualities for themselves.

It is all about perspective...

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

~ Albert Einstein.

The Philosophy of Soulmates

[W]hen one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself...the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together, and yet they could not explain what they desire of one another.

~Aristophanes speech

from Plato's Symposium

385 B.C.E.

***

In this epic speech, Aristophanes discusses a third gender created from conjoined twins, one male and one female, who were split apart by Zeus himself. According to the story, these unfortunate beings missed their separated twin and were always hoping and searching for their "other half" or their soul mates.

 

What an interesting origin to the belief in soul mates. To tell the truth, I bought into the soul mate thing once. I fell in love at first sight, once. He did, too. The man even looked like me, we were so similiar it was too weird for words.

Finally, I can tell myself that it was not real.

I can stop looking for a soul mate now.

I can convince myself that soulmates do not exist.

I can honestly now tell myself that my experience was a simple delusion

based in Greek mythology.

Now, will I believe it?

Probably, not...

I miss loving someone who can understand me even in those moments that I'm craving silence.

I miss just sitting with someone in total silence while enjoying his presence.

Love isn't complicated.

Why do people make it so darn difficult?

Someday...

I'll find someone who understands...and I'll consider him a soul mate.

Still Raving About It....

My teen daughter took me to a rave last night. I think I'm finally cured of my Vertigo as I survived the dizzying lights swirling around the room. To tell the truth, though, I'm a little unsure what to think about the experience. Let's see...

It was so crowded, I had people touch places of my body that haven't been touched for a long time. It wasn't intended, though. It was just that crowded.

I actually saw a penis for the first time in a very long time. I guess the owner of said member couldn't make his way to the bathroom.

But, I can't say that the evening was without any amusement. It's strange when someone far too young for you hits on you in the dark. When you want to scare the nards off of the guy, or you don't want him to waste his time on you, just move into the light and smile a big smile.

Smiling causes my line free face to crinkle up worse than an old worn out sock.

Now, that was a new and different experience!

I ended up leaving and walking down a few blocks where I lucked into finding a German beer festival complete with several "old" (meaning over thirty years old) men.

I learned something interesting last night.

At two o'clock in the afternoon, I'm handsome.

At ten o'clock at night, I'm borderline pretty.

At two o'clock in the morning, during a beer festival,

I'm hot and in demand.

Alas, nothing happened. Aphrodite was trying to set me up but I'm not ready.

The beauty about unrequited love is, well, you are mentally unavailable to the men around you. That really is a time saver - you simply say "I'm seeing someone" (and leave out the "in the figment of my imagination" part). Most men will leave you alone.

When I find one, incredibly, persistent man who won't leave me alone, all I need to do is think of an ex who betrayed me, and viola, I have the most evil look on my face and I scare the man away. It's better than Halloween!

Boo!

I guess this year, I won't need a mask. I'll just smile my evil smile.

This year, for Halloween, I'm dressing as a crone!

The Passionate Life...

Three passions have governed my life: The longings for love, the search for knowledge, And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. In the union of love I have seen In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of [people]. I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, But always pity brought me back to earth; Cries of pain reverberated in my heart Of children in famine, of victims tortured And of old people left helpless. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

-- Bertrand Russell

Little control freaks...

Sunshine, go away today

I don't feel much like dancing

Some man's come he's trying to run my life

Don't know what he's asking

Working starts to make me wonder where

Fruits of what I do are going.....

He can't even run his own life,

I'll be damned if he'll run mine--

Sunshine...

~ Jonathan Edwards

Sunshine

***

It is so much easier for insecure people who cannot deal with their own issues to try to control the activities of others. Through controlling others, the insecure person becomes too distracted to focus their own problems.

Then, though, the control itself becomes a problem.

Control suffocates love. There is no love without freedom. The death of the relationship is the ultimate outcome.

Always...no matter how much one acts.

For me, the memory of what love felt like was enough to propel me away from such a situation.

That changed me.

I remember the beautiful feeling of unconditional love and acceptance.

To tell the truth, it was so much easier dealing with the numbness and an inability to feel.

I wish I never awakened that part of myself.

Well, it's too late, now.

It's done.

I guess I'd better roll with it.

Need to understand perversion? Ask a man...

I have a weird perversion.

Okay, I have several but right now, I will only admit to one.

I like to watch men eat pizza.

No crap.

Honestly, never ask me to pick a restuarant if you hate the stuff. If I have to choose a restaurant, it'll usually serve pizza.

It's the truth.

Weird, I know.

I like to watch men eat pizza.

Some guys are graceful others dive right in.

It's hot.

It's sexy.

For years, I couldn't figure out why it was so much fun.

Until, I told a man why I stared at him.

Without looking up, he told me that it was because the triangular shape or a slice represented women and my fascination with the topic represented the obvious outcome of prudish behavior.

Yeah, he's right.

I guess it's time for a new hobby.

Checking Me Out?

Virgo Horroscope

Today, September 15, 2008

Today any fatal attraction is most likely to occur behind the shelves in a quiet library, while perusing nature books. As you leaf through pictures you find very suggestive, you suddenly feel someone's eyes on you. The sensation as your eyes meet goes right through you - yes, Cupid has shot his arrow!

***

Man, that's setting me up for disappointment, isn't it?

.

Cupid is probably shooting lead-tipped arrows today, anyway.

I'll go to the library tommorow.

You can't hide behind your smile...

A smile on the face of one in pain contains a hidden power whose true source is known only to God. How many people keep great trials away from loved ones in order not to burden them with more pain[?]

~Mother M. Angelica

No Greater Love

***

Sometimes, though, one's eyes betray his or her sorrow.

I see his pain.

Despite his inner strength, despite his insistence that he's fine, it is easy to see the through the facade of happiness.

He doesn't look the same at all.

He carries himself as though the weight of the world is being carried upon his shoulders.

His eyes reveal a sadness that I never could stand to see.

I'd give anything for them to sparkle again.

So, I pray that his fondest desires come true whatever they be.

That's the nature of love.

I have faith that his honest to goodness smile will return again.

It just won't happen soon enough.

And, part of me hopes, that he doesn't notice the truth in my eyes.

I pray he only saw the facade of my smile.

I'm 39 today and always...

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.


~Lucille Ball

***


This will be my last year of living honestly....next year I'll be 39, t00.



If I can manage to blow out all those candles on my flaming cake, I'm going to wish for a fly fishing buddy with a really nice rod.


Oh, crap.


I told the world my wish. It's not going to be happening now, is it?


Bummer....


Sigh...

Edit 9/8/2008 - Do you know what happens when you manage to blow out all the candles on your birthday cake even though you told the world your wish?

It still comes true.

Yep.

Mine came true almost immediately.

But it was skewed a little.

Within an hour of gobbling up my cake, I fell in love (fly fishing metaphor aside, love was what I truly wanted anyhow).

I sure did.

I spent most of the evening cuddling and hugging my new friend.

His name is Tommy.

Uh, huh...

Tommy is a beautiful Miniature Schnauzer

that was found wandering the streets of Denver.

He's so much fun!

I guess I can put off that fly fishing wish another year!

Natural Black Magic...

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm telling everyone that I'm going to be 39. Trust me, no one will believe me. Only the people who grew up with me will know the truth (my favorite number is 69...do the math).

Anyhow, as a gift to myself, I'm hunting down the biggest and most unique peridot ring that I can possibly find. I was once hypnotized to feel a surge of endorphins upon looking at lime green things. So, peridot makes me happy: I figure the older I get, the bigger lime green thingy I need.

So, I wound up on a popular auction site and found a bunch of listings for magically spelled rings.

Cool...

I can get one to make me pretty, or horny, or hot, or rich, or funny, or protected, or psychic, or to bring back lost love.

That's funny!! Really, that last one cracks me up. I've been in love thrice in my lifetime. In the past month I've gotten a chance to speak with each one of these men. One of the three told me to F*ck Off. I was married to him and made the mistake of spoiling him sexually after we fought...I was sooo stupid. I don't think I need anymore of that!

The other two, well, it would be pointless to even consider a spell like that for them. I was their first love. God already did the job for me. I'm stuck in their brains for the rest of their lives. Those poor men....I'm the stuff of their nightmares!! Muahahahaha!!

It kinda reminds me of an old Fleetwood Mac tune with the lines:

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me
Silver Springs

 

Ah, but one of them also got to me...it's only temporary, though. Fifty years from now, my brain will be gone and my first love will be long forgotten.

Someday....

It always happens that way...

First they ignore you,

then they ridicule you,

then they fight you,

then you win.

~Mahatma Gandhi

Unrequited Love's Second Round

"He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
And went with half my life about my ways."

~A.E. Housman

On Friendship...

Friendship is the comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.

~Dinah Craik