True Friendship Poem

Funniest Chain E-Mail I've Ever Received:

Subject: A REAL Friendship Wish I am sick and tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound so goodie-goodie, but never actually come close to reality! Well, here area series of promises that really address what true friendship is all about:


1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. After all, if you hate them, then so do I! We'll hate them together.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge the candy that's choking you. Once it's cleared & you feel better, I'll treat you to a hot fudge sundae with whipped creme and a cherry on top, down at the beach

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. And it was good...


4. When you are scared - I will tease you about it, unmercifully, every chance I get. And rent the movie "Psycho," just to calm your nerves, while we eat buttered popcorn & drink coke...You, of course, will already have the chocolate ready...

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be, tell you to quit whining like a boo-hooing crybaby & askyou where your self-respect is!

6. When you are confused - I will use little words. And try very hard not to laugh too loudly...

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. Then I will help you up...& take you shopping at the dollar store...


This is my oath; I pledge it till the end. "Why?" you may ask.

Because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of five and two of them aren't speaking to you right now, anyway.


Remember:A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move the body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel...

Author Unknown

Your Opinion is Noted...

Should is the most important word to listen for in any conversation. Any sentence in which that word, SHOULD, is incorporated is a value judgement. It is a sign of the other person's opinion, his way of seeing the world, and his values. It does not necessarily reflect your own world, your own values, and your own reality. Here are examples:

All men should work 40 hours a week at slave wages.

Everybody should respect their parents wishes even if they risk breaking the law, jail time, and losing their children in doing so.

Women should not make more money, have better titles, or more education than their spouses.

and my absolute favorite should....

Everybody should realize that they are God's gift to the world and follow their dreams realizing that God planted them in their mind in order to make the world a better place.

If You Ask Me....

Never take advice from anyone whose life is more messed up than yours.

Lead Me To The Money Tree....

Weirdest Thing I've Ever Been Yelled at For:

"You did not buy my cousin that $250,000 house. You destroyed her dreams of home ownership!"

The content of a telephone diatribe from my sister-in-law. Apparently, fifteen years ago, I was expected to buy a really nice house for her cousin and they've me never forgiven me for it (that was news to me). O.K. Sweetie, get me a lotto ticket and I'll give it a shot. In the meantime, I can build your cousin a doll house.

The Other Lady of My House

Most Hypocritical Thing I've Ever Heard:

"Women have no right to speak."

This was said by my mother-in-law. I always thought this was a bit hypocritical but I could be wrong: she might be a hermaphrodite.

Hallelujah...

Favorite Passage From a Holy Book:

"Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear God. And know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe. (The Noble Quran, 2:223)"

Feet Taste Bad

Dumbest Thing I Ever Said:

"Wow!!! That must have been an exciting year in your parents' life!!"

I said this while sitting with an elderly in-law, helping her sort through her hope chest. I noted that her parent's anniversary was very close to the birthday of a family member. I couldn't remember whose birthday it was until she altered the date on her parent's marriage certificate to avoid further embarrassment about the circumstances surrounding her birth.

She told me that is how families change history. Luckily, I stopped myself from reminding her that most of her relatives were Mormon and that, well, they probably already had that information.

If it helps, I'm thankful you were born. If they had waited any longer, you might be a part of another family. You're a lot of fun and we're lucky to have you!

Aging for women

I'd say that I'm the same way I was at 17, except that now I don't have to lift my top to let you see the goods.

I just need to lift my skirt a tad.

Wait 20 years and I'll show you my socks!

Ellis has left the dimension...

I'm going to miss the psychologist who gave us such memorable lines as



There's no evidence whatsoever that men are more rational than women. Both sexes seem to be equally irrational;

OK, I'll admit that there is a .00000000000000005% chance that God does exist, but if he does what makes you think he gives a s**t about you?;

I used to think the most awful thing would be to be tortured to death slowly, but then I realized I could always be tortured to death MORE slowly.

-and-

I hope to die in the saddle seat*.

So long Dr. Ellis, you had quite an exciting and important ride blazing that REBT trail for the rest of the world. Thank you,
Albert Ellis
(September 27, 1913 to July 24, 2007)
you made psychology worth studying!
Rest in peace.

* me, too...

DysFUNction by any other name....

The Creation of Adam: Pull My Finger

Several years ago, my mother-in-law started lying about me to the point my husband was ostracized from his extended family. He was told that they would speak to him once we were divorced. One never asks a man to choose between the two women he loves (his mom or his wife): to do so is inviting certain disaster.

As the lies became progressively worse and the pressure to divorce mounted, I figured it was a matter of time before I regained my former name. Sometimes, though, life has kind of a weird way of turning on people.

Gossip brings anger just as surely as the north wind brings rain. - Proverbs 25:23

Now I'm going to thank my sister-in-law for telling her brother that she "forgave" him for the problems because "gossiping is normal" (huh??). I guess he called his Dad to talk the other day, but his sister answered the phone and refused to give the line to anyone else. I finally understand why his mother used to tell me that women should never speak (they must have had a little trouble implementing that misogynistic rule within their own family).

Now, my husband is furious and doesn't want a thing to do with his family. Guess what?? He wants to change our family's last name. So far, here are our choices:

• Savid (heck, no....that's our last name backwards.)
• Cortez (maybe... this is a name that is common on my side of the family and my father-in-law gets so red when he's, well, when he's yelling at me for speaking Spanish).
• Shank(maybe.....my grandmother's name....beautiful, I love it...my in-laws won't).
• Grant (maybe...the last name of my great-grandmother. I was told that her uncle was a U.S. president who was able to win wars while inebriated but had a more scandelous administration than our current head honcho.)

Tell you what, this name change phase will be interesting.

Anyhow, since this has all began my Catholic husband has become a born again Pagan. It'll be fun to try to convince him to change his name to something that espouses his personality and religion, maybe something like Michael Windbreaker: isn't it melodic? It flows so well and makes me want to follow him around with a lighter. I can just see the little postcards that he could send to his extended family to announce the name change (the illustration could be Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" and the punchline could say something about his name change being inspired by others stinky hot air).

Hopefully, this blows over fairly soon. If not....(crud)...

Thanks, you three...now I have to go through my closet and get rid of all those black candles, sewing pins, and my beautiful doll collection. Don't worry, though, he won't curse you until after the full moon. So, I have a few days to find every scrap of paper you've ever written on. He's already burned all our photos (thanks again). I don't know if I believe any curse against you would work. I do know that gossipy people tend to get themselves into trouble and I don't want dear hubby to feel guilty should one of you get popped in the kisser.

My advice to you is to find your local Catholic church and visit every Sunday!! Stand really close to the guy with the incense, buy yourselves a little St. Michael statue and a St. Eugene de Mazenod candle, prayer and/or statue (if you can find one), and pray a lot with lit candles .... oh my, I think I know why your son likes Wicca!!!

You have to hate someone to want to hurt him with lies.
Insincere talk brings nothing but ruin. - Proverbs 26:28

By the way, Catholics have to answer to God and Pagans have Karma: either way all of you are going to have to pay up big time. Isn't it better just to fix the problem in the first place, take responsibility, assuage your guilt, and get your son back?

You know, my Grandma used to say that God hangs gossipers up by their toes, naked, and lets demons (including angry daughter-in-laws) tickle them from the time they die until judgement day. My grandmother had a way of scaring people into behaving.

Good luck with that sin thing. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Oh yeah, I've already had my will altered to state that I want to be buried with huge tickling feathers.

Love ya,

S.

P.S. Dear MIL, if you want to hasten the divorce, make sure the lies are believable. Your son administers most of my email accounts - so if you tell him that I received very important emails (i.e. a death notice for his favorite uncle) and refused to give them to him, he will know that you're lying. Same with the mail, he usually checks that himself due to some story about me hiding a wedding invitation (you know, you can always have us sign for letters and packages if you want proof we've received it). Just a little heads up darling.

!!!!!!!!!!

I'll list some believable lies for you to spread....let's see....

Lie #1: Siegfred's mother was a maggot.

Lie #2: Siegfred's father was a bulldog (that conception must've been interesting).

Lie #3: Siegfred wasn't born: she was hatched.

Lie #4: Siegfred was a stripper (well, anyone whose ever seen me would know that was a lie. If you could find a club where all the men mysteriously turned to stone, someone may believe you).

Lie #5: Siegfred is a transsexual: that is why her family calls her Siegfried (that might actually fly a little bit).

Lie #6: Siegfred has sex dreams about aliens or, better yet, dead psychoanalysts like Sigmund Freud (and his prosthetic tongue).... oooh, baby... (that may get a little distance before people realize that my frozen legs are legendary for chilling an entire room).

Lie #7: Siegfred grew up in a trailer, her parents joined a cult, and she learned to shoot a rifle at the age of twelve. For dinner, the members of her family would shoot squirrels off of the power lines. Most of this is true, I bet you can't spot the lie.

(If we were eating squirrels, we were too darned poor to own a trailer). 

Lie #8: When Siegfed wants a date, she puts on a bikini that has a top twice her size and visits a local pool. The unlucky man who retreives from the other side of the pool gets a date (maybe that's how I met your son? Okay, that's how I met Jeremy, Tory, Michael A., Michael. B., Steve, JimmyJoeBob, and some other guy I just made up - LOL).

That should be enough...Have fun old lady,  if you're going to hell you might as well enjoy the ride! Yeah, I know that to encourage a gossip is to write your own one way ticket to the fiery furnace....aw, shucks!!

If anyone has suggestions for really fun stories that Mrs. MIL can tell her fans...please, please post them here!!

Blond Parenting Moment

Funniest Parenting Story I've Ever Heard...

A family member bought her ten year old son Grand Theft Auto because she thought it was "rated W for Wowie".

Oh, brother.....turn it upside down.

Timing is Everything

Buy your Easter bonnet in September and do your Christmas shopping in July.

My Wal-Mart Motto

One can always pay a little less for something knowing that it is truly worth-less.

Worth its price...

Advice costs nothing and is worth five times it's cost.

Do Not Ask

Don't ask for divine guidance if you're not open to hearing anything!! If you do hear something, don't assume you understand it.

*****

Now that I’m older, I've tried to understand my Celtic heritage and my step-father's Native American traditions. So last year I went on my very first vision quest, something common in both cultures. Yep, it was quite mystical. Now, you're not really supposed to tell anyone what you see because it is so private and personal. But, sometimes the lessons themselves beg to be shared.

At one point during this experience, I prayed and asked God what was in my future. I was expecting to see myself volunteering somehow, giving money to charity, or generally doing something that would earn me my wings. But no, God has something else in mind.

In the vision, I saw myself sitting at my kitchen table talking to some red faced strawberry blond man with glasses that were reflecting the lights. I couldn't figure out who in the heck he was. I listened but could only make out a few words....something about coffee, needing closure, he's sad, why? Then the man stands up, peers into my face, and looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes.

Oh no, he looked just like the one guy I was afraid to see again. The last time I tried to talk to him, in order to clear up some horrid gossip, he skipped away muttering something about how he had turned into me and that I had become him. At that moment, I realized that if I spent anymore time with the man we'd both be together wearing matching straight jackets. So, every time I'd see him in public (it's been about twelve years now), I'd run the other way!!

I love him dearly but, really, I thought I was doing the right thing.

Maybe I wasn't doing the right thing.

Anyhow, I found that vision startling because it hurt me to see an old friend in pain. I started praying. Why is he so sad? What in the world does he need? God, please give him whatever it is and bless his family! Does he need a kidney, blood, and/or bone marrow? Are his wife and kids okay? If there is anything I can do, God, please tell me!

I began having dreams of him looking into a computer screen in the dark...so, I started blogging. But still, I had no clue what this person needed to hear or what my subconscious wanted me to say.

I kept praying.

There is a Christian church about a mile away from my home. Funny, the answers that I seek usually appear there. The first week, the billboard read "Thank Him” and I did in a more public blog. The guy did save my life, twice. He made me get help for recurrent depression. I had an eating disorder and he bought me a ton of vitamins: to this day I take a handful of assorted vitamins and herbs every single day. I had a doctor tell me that this is the reason I'm incredibly healthy.

To reiterate

Thanks to the man who touched my life in countless ways and to the one I hope has this kindness is repaid 100 fold!!

The dreams didn't stop. In fact, they began to become frightening. I began to keep a dream diary, hoping to understand what was going on in the depths of my mind.

I drove by the church again and the billboard read "The truth shall set you free". Okay, what do I need to tell him?

Maybe I should blog about the horrid gossip. The talk accused me of the absolute worst thing that one could possibly do to a Christian man. Let’s just say that the last time I saw him I wanted to give him closure and to tell him, no, the gossip wasn't true. I never had the chance.

Right now, between my vision and the dreams, I am at a loss. What did I need to do?

So,yesterday, I made it a point to drive by that little Christian church. The billboard simply stated "there is a God." Yeah, I know. God is trying to tell me something and it’s driving me completely bonkers. I've always wanted to do the right thing, but I have no clue what in the world that is. What am I supposed to do?

I went shopping and bought some coffee, just in case some poor soul will be sitting at my kitchen table choking it down in the coming weeks.

I don't know how this is going to end, yet. Hopefully, I can figure out what the Universe is trying to tell me. I will say this, though, if you want to receive the Creator's guidance you must be open to hearing just about anything (no matter how unpleasant it may be) and sometimes those things that God tells us are so advanced they may go flying over our small little heads.

Right now, I'm still hearing the WHOOSH as the message flies overhead!

***

Edit 11/03/08:

Well, I'm cleaning up the old blog and I found this old post. Nearly one year to the day this post was written, one of the scenes from the vision quest came true.  He met me in a coffee shop.

I'm in shock at how close the vision quest matched the future. I did meet the man in the dream. He was my old friend. He looks exactly as I saw him. He does work with computers. I never asked if he read this silly blog, though.

He doesn't have a clue about the gossip. It's just as well to leave it well enough alone.

The other things I don't dare address - I don't believe in betraying my friends old or new. I'll just say that the vision and dreams were eerily accurate.

It's amazing, though....how much God will tell you if you just ask.

It's also amazing how having disturbing dreams of someone every night for almost two years will lead you to pray for that person compulsively. Prayer leads to concern and concern unlocks hidden love. I'm a little embarrassed about that. But it is what it is, maybe my friend needs that right now.

I still don't know why that happened. The Creator works in mysterious ways.

Yes, I'm still praying for him.

I'm also praying for my own understanding of what I need to do with the information.

and,no...

I've never had the courage to go on another vision quest.

I still haven't figured the last one out!

Deep Thought of the Day

EVIL is LIVE backwards.

Born Agains and Sex

Born Again Pagan: Sex is a sacrament and is a way to honor the divine. Sex makes you closer to God.

Born Again Christian: Sex is immoral. If you must indulge, you must be married. Your spouse must be prude so you will spend your life praying for more sex which, in turn, makes you closer to God.

Beauty Fades but Dumb is Forever!

Cruelest Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"I never fell in love with you. I fell in love with an image."

Said by a spouse while I was in the bathroom burning off my wrinkles with glycolic acid the night before my 20th high school reunion.

Full Disclosure- No Surprises

The Most Honest Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"I'll never have sex with a married woman."

Said by a future spouse who just learned his foreign crush was separated..

Beware of the Petite Redhead

Best Compliment I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"We big guys are teddy bears. You're a tiger. You have claws."

He was a former halfback for the Denver Broncos.

Compliment or Not?

Strangest Compliment Ever Said by a Man:

"You're such a beautiful cow."

He was a rancher.

Thank Goodness you are not Psychic

Worst Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"This is the kind of love you're destined to share with the world".

(said by a spouse during a very private moment).

(I think he had me confused with Roxanne, scary.)

A Literal Name

The Funniest Thing I've Ever Heard From a Man:

"Your name is really Sheila? Really? Why on earth would anyone name their daughter girl?"

He was Australian.

Can't do Everything 100%

Conscious Incompetence: When you know that you completely suck at something (e.g. math, science, brain surgery, romance and so on...).

Unconscious Incompetence: When you completely suck at something but don't realize it (e.g. someone with a dry sense of humor who cannot understand why no one laughs her jokes*, someone who cannot understand why women won't go out with him because his pick-up lines worked twenty years ago, and half the contestants on the first episode of American Idol).


* guilty as charged....

We have come a long way down a one way street, baby!

Okay, if I read one more feminist research study about the way in which porn makes women devalue their physical appearance, I'm going to scream:

"how do you think men feel when they see John Holmes and Long Dong Silver?"

Emotional Straightjackets

Committed Relationship: a). a relationship built upon the foundation of mutual love and respect b). a crazy making, co-dependent, and dysfunctional relationship in which each partner has lost touch with reality to the extent that each should be committed.

Care to Dance, Roxanne?

Hoe-Down: In a dysFUNctional family a hoedown refers to having to go downtown to bail out a sibling for visiting with a peace officer after placing a red light in her bedroom window.