The Crab Bucket

Have you ever seen a bucket of crabs?  One crab may be able to leap over the side and try to scurry away but another crab always finds a way to pull the would-be escapee back in the bucket of doom.

Well....

I can't leave just yet. 

Nope. 

All the money is out of my reach.

It took me five days of pointed questions, five days of nagging, five days of asking the right questions to get to the truth.  With a guy like that you have to ask the right questions or you'll never get to the truth.

A normal guy wouldn't do that.   

He put the money we use to pay bills in his 401K.   Thousands of dollars went missing.  He said he put it in his retirement savings account.

I can't touch the money but he said he did it because he loves me. 

The bills aren't getting paid.  I feel ashamed of staying in this marriage now.  I feel angry because I listened to my Christian friends who said a semi-separation, no sex, no love relationship was what God wanted for the kids because God hates divorce. 

I'm sure God hates bearing false witness, too.  Heck, that was one of the commandments.  I don't remember seeing the word divorce there. 

He took the money and stopped paying the bills because he loves me.
How in the heck is getting six robo-calls concerning his Citi-bank credit card each and every day  considered love? 

I would have preferred an awkward acknowledgement on any Valentine's day over the course of the past three years. 

I'm upset that Citi-bank's robo-calls never fully disconnect, so I can't get a line out of the house after they call unless someone else calls in.  I am thankful they called, though, because if it were not for them, I wouldn't know that the money was moved. 

Well..

I'm going to have to get crafty now.  I hate hiding assets.  I've always been honest and that is my undoing.  He hides assets.  He makes decisions without telling me.  To survive, I may have to do the same. 

It is darn near impossible for honest people to divorce dysfunctional, liars.

I may have to file pro se in order to keep him from taking out a loan against the equity in our home.  My mind is racing to find any other possible way he can screw me.  I scrimped.  I saved.  The money I brought here paid the down payment.  I'll be furious if he takes that all from me. 

I'm trying to play fair but I think that is what is giving him the power to destroy me.  

I'll black out the blog the day I figure out how to file but I want to document what is going on just in case something happens to me. 

I still don't understand why I got threats from his former employer at the city. 

That is the piece I can't fathom. 

If he were behind it, would they have allowed their lawyers, officials, and cops to abuse me?  To call me on the phone and tell me I'm at fault for his job loss?  To threaten me on the phone?  To lie about me in court?  To depose me for eight hours asking questions about my business and political aspirations?  To threaten to abusively audit any business I start?  To have their vehicles sit outside my house? 

I DO giggle when I think of the idiot attorney who claimed that Mike forced me to be a politician. 

Yeah....I wanted to sing outloud 'beat me, whip me, make me run for Congress!

Alas, it couldn't be done.  The problem is that when you are a wanna-be politician, you can't say those things in front of a tape recorder or the .wav will find its way all over the internet. 

So, I just smirked.  There were no cameras. 

Then I started twirling my necklace.  Trust me, this hypnotist owned those lawyers.  When the lead lawyer broke the trance and realized what happened, she tried to shame me.  I just grinned and she abruptly ended the deposition.

I got what I wanted, tons and tons of evidence spoken into a tape recorder, typed up in pretty lines and ready to be uploaded to a website detailing the antics of abusive employers. 

I was in rare form that day.   

Still, I don't know what exactly is going on.
I've been trying to escape this marriage since December of '00, when he left the first time.  He left me because his family disowned him.  I didn't know my place, they said.  I was supposed to give up school to tend to their every need. 

I didn't.  I just went from an in class schedule to an online course schedule and met with my professors while my ex was at work.  It took three times as long as usual.  I had to take out loans but I met my requirements and graduated without pissing him off.   He never celebrated my graduation. 

At the same time, I helped him get his degree.  I helped him write papers, did the childcare, and stay organized.  We celebrated his graduation. 

When I wouldn't quit school, they disowned him and started a campaign of harassment against me.

Families can be weird.  I get that.

Employers?   City Governments?

That's were I get lost. 
No...here's the part I really don't get.

 Why would his boss, a Tax Audit Supervisor for the city in which I live, repeat the exact same gossip my mother-in-law tells everyone in a court of law? 

Either he bad-mouthed me and she participated in the abuse by repeating it.....or his mother knows his former boss. 

I'll get to the bottom of it. 

I wonder if I can sue them for emotional distress.  I still hear the gossip in public by former city employees...

to this very day...

Next time, it would behoove Ms. Donnielle and her lawyers to refrain from repeating gossip.  Sometimes it makes political activists go away....other times it makes them angry enough to be a thorn in your boss's side. 
Love,

S.

Worshipping Lilith

[A] woman is always under male authority, first her father, then her husband, and perhaps, someday, her son.” And if she wants out, she can’t get out, because she’s been systematically denied the economic and social power necessary to escape.

A quote from "The War on Contraception Goes Mainstream"

Yes, my mother was Mormon.  I know all about crappy patriarchy. 

My father was an abusive atheist (an aspiring actor in Hollywood, too) and one of the first people who would quote the Bible when beating the crap out of you to justify his lack of self-control. 

It's always the atheists that abuse in the name of God.  It's always the jerks that never read the Bible that use it to abuse other people. 

My step-father was Cherokee.  His tribe had matriarchal power.  I'm not sure how well that worked when his mother married a baptist, though.  I'm surprised no one got killed during that marriage.

My Grandmother was Pentecostal.  In that view, we have no gender.  We are all equal to do as God wants us to do. 

I've seen it all. 

I really, really, really have a hard time with members of the religious right who run around claiming that women were made to service men.  We were made from his rib to suck on his bone.   

yadda...yadda...yadda....

Not true says the former theology student....

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

²⁷ So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

²⁸ And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” ²⁹ And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food.

-Genesis 1:26-29

God creates man and woman from earth....

-and-

² Male and female he created them, and he blessed them and named them Man when they were created.

-Genesis 5:2

Why do those Christians that hate divorce so much always forget about Adam's first wife Lilith. 

If you want to convince me of your sexism, at least understand your own religion.  God made Lilith first.  She wanted to have fun sex with Adam.  He was boring in the sack, so she left with the demons because they were more fun.

Lilith is still said to be having sex with the sons of Adam, panting atop their chests as they sleep at night.  

This is why god created Eve. Adam was overwhelmed by a woman created to be his equal.

16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. 20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

-Genesis 2:16-24

God has to change the fruit eating rule and create another female so Adam doesn't have to be alone.

Men are descended from a stupid man who wanted control so darn much that he failed to adapt.  His wife left, he couldn't handle it so he had to get another companion. 

It doesn't mean we are all beneath men nor does it mean that we were meant to obey.  I mean, like Lilith, most women are geared to get tired of the crap boring, stupid men pull and eventually, should they disgust us enough, leave for a better life of freedom.

The Creator never took that freedom loving strong spirit away from women.

In fact, some of us can get to the point of embracing evil when pushed a little too far.

Love,


S. 

Oh....and one more thing.  The government that can force you to carry a child can force you to kill it.  Be mindful of what the conservatives are really trying to do.  Are you familiar with Agenda 21?

Google it. 

They want a one world government.  They plan on having it mirror China.  They plan on a one world religion. 



Now heed this....

If they can ban birth control, they can force sterilization. 

If they can ban abortions, they can force them. 

When it comes to keeping our tax dollars out of the hands of the people, it won't be long before politicians realize that culling the population will allow them to keep more of the wealth to themselves and their base. 

What are they really after? 

Think about it and heed my warning before it is too late.

Worst Thing to Say During a Separation

"I knew we were soul mates and that, no matter what I did, you'd stay with me."

-My Estranged Spouse
(explaining his abuse over the past 20 years)

Sometimes women can't afford the baloney.  If I stay, he'll continue to destroy me financially.

If I leave, he'll be financially castrated. 

But....his lying and behavior has destroyed my chances of economic survival.

The courts want me to count on him for economic support.  If he's trying to destroy me now, what is he going to do if I stay in this house without the ability to pay for it myself?

Darn....


I don't want to be the brat. 

I can't trust him anymore.  More and more bill collectors are calling.  My credit is trashed.

The lawyers say that I need to keep the house and take custody of the children because he chose a job so far away with crazy hours.

That was not my intention. 

He wants the house. 

When he was working at the city, my intention was to leave him the house and custody while I went on the road to earn money to support the kids. 

Then he was fired, for what his boss described in an email sent to me during my mayoral campaign for being 'fat and lazy'. Of course, that was after they, his boss and the city lawyers, lied their asses off in court claiming they fired him for not meeting an unethical quota. 

His boss, Donnielle, gave him a larger quota than the other auditors to meet within 60 days (all the other auditors had a year) and then fired him before the time expired.  I read a court transcript where she said she fired him because of my auto-immune disease and my advanced degree (and other things).  She slandered us and stole $500 from us. 

His former boss,  ultimately blamed me for his job loss in a transcribed court hearing.  He's been nasty to me since.  Thus, her lies made a difficult situation intolerable.
She gave him bad references.  Once, when I went to breakfast at a local restaurant and ran into a group of former auditors that told me Donielle had claimed that Mike was in group therapy for being violent. 

He was in group therapy for people dealing with alcoholics: his boss allegedly drank and abused staff at night on the phone which triggered his issue with a father who drank years ago. 

He quit therapy and has been impossible to live with since because a stupid, lying, snot lied about him!

We aren't the only people she's defamed and slandered.  She begs for personal information, twists it, and has the lawyers use it to harass people.  That explains the bizarre phone call from the city attorney.  That explains the lies in the court document.
She had no right asking about our medical conditions....nor did she have a right complaining publicly about it but since everyone knows anyway, I have no vested interest in keeping quiet anymore.

It's all documented on a website.  Everything is uploaded to two servers.  Stupid bureaucrats...they love to put everything in writing.  That is their undoing. 
I'm angry because I'm unable to clean up the mess she made.  It's still impacting me.  If I have to continue living in this city because of a court order, then I will push for her firing and expose the misbehavior of her boss, Robin. 
I won't have to do anything more than continue to upload and scan all the documents the lawyers sent to me.  They have the names of the guilty parties and the lies that they've told.  Donielle and Robin may never find a job once I do that because the words that flow from their mouths and that one can read from their emails speak to petty abuse of employees and putting employers at risk of lawsuits. 

I will name them publicly unless an offer of restitution is made..could be a letter of reference for Mike because after all the slanderous job reviews,the only person that would give him a job was a former employer.  I also want my $500 back and a rule change so this doesn't ever happen to anyone else again. 

They won't do that.  I've asked already.  It's time for black magick.

I swore it off years ago...but...when fighting evil - sometimes it's what one needs to do. 

Besides, my demons are bored and restless.  They're looking for a task...Should I?

Karma has some fun things in store for people who play with the lives of others.  May Donnielle and Nemesis meet on a dark road in the middle of nowhere. I've had so many spells cast on that city building that the idiot who pulled that crap (and any lawyer whose helped) will have bad luck so long as they work at the building.  Loss of a marriage?  Slander?  Harassment by Cop?  Stolen money?  They'll get what they've done to me ten fold.  

The cops, firemen, council, and cafeteria workers have a protection spell over them.

The remedy is to give your lovely janitor holy water to mop with but that will destroy the protection spells. 

Is she for real?  Or is she messing with us? 

Only Siegfred knows for sure. 

As far as the family, I only wanted what was best for everyone.  I fear what will happen if he doesn't get the house. 

Last year I found an apartment complex that I was planning on moving into.  I found a nearby office.  I opened a business license in the area.  Up until this evening I was looking for a full-time job. 

Since he left the city, I know not who he is anymore.

I don't trust him to pay child support.  I will. 

I don't trust him to save for their college.  I will. 

I just need to work long hours and bring up my ability to earn money. 

I never wanted to take everything away from him.   I just wanted to live without constant economic surprises due to lying. 

I'm afraid he's going to kill himself. 

I'm terrified. 

Please pray for us. 

I just can't afford any more surprises.

The blog will go dark in the next few days as I have to do the inevitable.  I will, however, carve out more time to expose the abuse we endured at the city because, to be quite truthful, they haven't taken responsibility for slandering me nor promised to stop slandering and fining other people. 

Love ya,

S. 

P.S.  It's not enough that I'm broke and have no health insurance.  I found a lump on my upper torso a couple of weeks ago.  I've had throbbing pains that make me want to vomit.  I figured it was stress. 

This morning that part of my body is swollen, painful, and oozing something weird. 

I googled it and its a potential sign of cancer .

I'm still uninsured. 

Pagans have remedies for this kind of thing if it hasn't gone on too far.   Many of the remedies have been made illegal in recent years.  I can't get raw un-irradiated almonds anymore.  I can't get food grade h202 anymore.  I don't know if I could drive to Mexico and get what I need to heal myself. 

I was diagnosed with a brain tumor at twenty.  It was a misdiagnosis but I did all these crazy things to get better. The protocol seemed to slow down my aging, so I kept it up until they made finding these things impossible. 

I still have oregano oil and some powdered vitamin c.  Maybe I just have an infection.  We'll see. 

If its cancer, by the time I get to a doctor I'm a goner.  I'm not going to be too happy. 
Be forewarned. 

If I'm slated to go to hell soon anyway, why not allow my Ifrits a bit of fun?   I've kept them holed up and away from people that piss me off because last time I cleaned one of the lamps, I got a call telling me that the chick who lied about me had a stroke. 

Then I was told it wasn't a stroke but a car accident.

The vessels are a bit dusty.  What's the harm in cleaning them while thinking about revenge against a couple of compulsive liars that are making my life a living hell?

I love these people that play video games.  They have no clue.  Magick doesn't work like that.  It is slow and the best magick works in ways that make one wonder if it all wasn't just a coincidence. 

Still...
I'll take my medicine and try to rest.  But be forewarned.  If you think I'm an evil witch, just what am I capable of doing? 

And...for the moron caught hanging out in my garage.  Are you sure my scary stuff is at my house? 

It's not.  Some are with friends.  Some are in safe deposit boxes.  Some are in my car.  Some are buried in a field.  One of my objects was left on the fifth floor of the city building.  My ex refused to retrieve it and return it to me. 

I feel sorry for any soul that finds it.   I am assuming that it was kept away from the window.  Moonlight will charge it.  If it's hidden at the bottom of a filing cabinet we will be good. 

It was given to me by the daughter of a Satanist.  I've spent a lot of time cleansing the objects she sends.
That object at the city building came with a note saying it would make the owner have power over his or her lovers but, knowing my experience with the objects this lady sends to me and other collectors....

it will only bring bad luck to the people in its periphery. 

If I liked the boss, I'd tell her what to look for.  But, she's nasty to me...so....I'll let them try to figure out what it is and how to cleanse the energy of whatever it touches. 

Which is a shame...I have an object that seeks out information about evil-doers.  For a political activist, like me, it is a cause of trouble for a lot of people.  For tax auditors, it would be a nice thing to have in an office. 

I'm not giving that one up. 

And, one final note, being psychic really sucks when the people around you lie.  You can see the firings before they happen.  You can see the collection notices before the bills aren't paid.  You can see the job opportunities, the future girlfriends, even the sales on food and clothing. 

None of this does any good if every time you ask the people living with you about it and they lie. 

If you ask them if they paid the bills, they'll lie and say yes.  If you ask if they need jeans because you know that Old Navy will be marking them down to $5 and they lie, you miss the sale and have to spend $50 when you notice the crotch of their pants ripped.   If you ask your spouse if he's getting fired, he'll say 'no' because Donnielle promised to help him meet his quota rather than harass the lady at Kroger because the city wants him to focus on compliance not revenue (yet he gets fired for not bringing in a quota and I get told he was fired because he was married to me and my campaign manager gets an email saying he was fired for being obese...not happy). 

Man, that brass lamp is looking like it could use a good polishing....

The point is that being a psychic doesn't help if no one listens. 

It's fun running for office, though.  You know who the winner is before he does! 

Cheerio!!


  

A Vision Explained

I made the man in the basement buy a safer car. 

He told me we had more money than we did, so I made him spend more than he wanted to spend. 

But, it's safe.  It has low miles.  It's paid for in full.  It's fairly old but it is a model that is tried and tested.  The insurance will be cheap, too. 

I know I did the right thing.   

In the summer of 2010, I wrote about a vision I had where a green sedan was driving on the highway and veered off into a ravine.  The driver died of a heart attack. The post may have been hidden due to the election.

For nearly two years, I feared Mike was the driver of that car.  This is one reason why I asked him to get rid of the green sedan. 

This happened yesterday morning.  I'm not sure if the driver died.  All I know is that a driver veered across a highway and struck an oxygen tank that Mike was behind.  The driver ended up in a ravine and the jaws of life had to be used to extracate him from the car.

Luckily, the oxygen truck was hit in the front rather than behind (where the oxygen is stored).  There was no explosion.  

Mike is a little shaken.  I think he has PTSD. 

I don't know what to do with that man right now.  He needs to focus on solving the problem we face due to our inability to communicate about paying the bills and holding jobs. 

Thought I'd give an update for anyone who remembers me telling them of the vision. 

Oh, and it happened five months earlier than I predicted but at the same place and the same time. 

It's kind of eerie. 

I pray that the driver of the green sedan is alive. 

Love,

S. 

In Tears and Screaming

So...

The man in the basement stopped paying the bills.  He lied to me and said he was still current on the credit cards and that we didn't need to file bankruptcy now. 

As of Sunday, he said we were current. 

He lied.  


I found out this morning when a bill collector called me.

The man in the basement claimed we had $3,000 in the bank.

He said he stopped paying the bills because he wants me to put the money towards office rental.

How in the heck is that going to happen without decent credit?  I won't be able to get a lease agreement.

I'm so hurt. 

Why does he make decisions that impact me without discussing them with me? 

He begged and pleaded with me to stay to help him with the kids and doing that destroyed me financially.  I was fine 3 years ago when I tried to leave.  I stayed.  I honored my vows and that man lied to me. 

I mean....he wants to live like roommates for the sake of the children.  I can't do that if he's not paying the bills. 

I can't afford to do housekeeping for him if I need to work to pay the bills.

He's a nut to expect me to continue like this without talking to me.  Even roommates have to communicate once in a while. 

Geesh!!

I need to find a way to file for a divorce and if this blogs goes blank, you'll know exactly what has happened. 
I'm screaming. 

I'm in pain. 

I don't know which lawyer to call first...a bankruptcy one or a divorce one. 

I don't have enough money to pay for my attorney. 

Damn.....as of today, I fear that I actually hate that man in the basement!

I wish I had a divorced friend to talk to.  I don't know where to start. 

At least, I won't miss sex or companionship when I leave....I haven't had those things in years.  I just won't know where to move or how to juggle helping him with the kids and holding a job. 

This is bizarre.  It's what I deserve for trying to do the right thing. 
I should know better than to trust a compulsive liar.

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  Happy Valentine's Day

Edit:  So...I was told we had $3,000 after we paid a $972 mortgage payment.

He lied.  We have $800. 

Doesn't he work?  Doesn't he work a job that paid so well that I was expected to give up my business so he could work 50+ hours a week? 

Apparently not...

WE HAD $17,000 in the bank last summer. 

Why in heck do I stay in a house and share my finances with a liar? 

That's another story. 

He was fine for years....until....his mother gave him an ultimatum.  He was to choose between her or me. 

He didn't choose.

He ignored both of us and slowly started a campaign to get me to leave. 

I think he found the last straw. 

He's left me three times. 

The first time I let him come back and stayed in our house it was because he was alone because his parents abandoned him. 

The second time I let him come back and stayed in our house because he had lost his job and I didn't want to kick him when he was down. 

The third time it was because he was over 500 pounds and I didn't want him to die alone.  I tried to help him lose the weight.  I tried.   I was hoping with the settlement money he could get the gastric bypass surgery or go on Phentermine or something....but...

$800

I can't help him much with that. 

How in the world can I have a secure financial life with a man that lies about money? 

There is no intimacy...hasn't been any for years...I can fake nearly anything.....but not being able to pay my creditors or buy heat....that's going to darn far. 

I'm still not sleeping.  I'm going to try to catch some zzzz's in the morning. 

Arbecht Macht Frei

I'm on food stamps.  I'm on medicaid.

I never signed up. 

The man in the basement did. 

The county social workers can't remove me because I didn't sign up -but- they can demand that I quit my business and work for less than $1 per hour in foodstamps. 

I'm freakin' furious.

It's a sad day when you realize that marriage gives another person license over what you do. 

I'm not happy with this at all. 

There are times when one realizes that marriage is not a good thing.  The man is a potential stranger.  What do I do? 

The  conservative politicians I know are telling me that I must stay in my marriage at all costs.  They are telling me to put the kids first, to stay home and make sure that they are doing everything in their power to get good grades. 

Only after the baloney here is settled, then I can look for work. 

The problem is the social policies those weirdos voted in....they say that I must work first, then and only if the workfare job allows me to, stay home when the kids are here at night so that I can keep them from becoming truant, pregnant teens. 

What they say to do and what they demand that I do are two very different things.  The local social services department told me that the government claims my contributions at home are worthless unless I make $217.00 per week. 

I'm not joking.  She said that the politicians want to push marriage.  Yep...married women don't fall into the trap of poverty.  

Then, since I stayed in a shitty marriage, why in the world did she call me? 

Hmmm....

As far as the $217 is concerned....


Sometimes I make that amount. 

Sometimes I don't. 

When I have an office I make that in an hour.   

When I don't, I have to sell an awful lot of CDs to meet that demand. 

Elder care doesn't count, according to the government.  Nope...I spent 10 hours on Saturday helping a woman in a retirement center but that isn't contributing to society. 

Nope...I've got to do the work the government says counts.  Never mind if I saved medicare some cash on butt wiping.  That doesn't count....only the crap jobs the social worker says count.

Upon providing feedback, I had one snot at the county ask me, in a condescending tone, if I had a background in social work. 

Yep, I sure do and politics, too!  I also earned a grad degree in psychology after my stint at the county.  So many people working there had mental issues, I had to go back to school.

Trust me on this, I am uniquely qualified enough to say that politicians make piss poor social workers! 

According to the county, child care doesn't count as a worthwhile contribution to society, unless I charge for it.  Watching my grandaughter to keep her off TANF doesn't count.  If I want to charge strangers to babysit, I need licensed and I need to get over my fear of the auditor chick who lies about me at the city building. 

The lawyers representing the city told me that she's threatened to audit anything I do...

So...I can't make money from home.  I really, really, really want to move. 

I wonder how conservative politicians sleep at night?  Really?  I mean, if women are supposed to stay home barefoot and pregnant, how can they justify pushing the married ones into the world of paid employment against the wishes of their husbands? 

They assume every woman listed on the medicaid/food stamp rolls are single mothers.

I've been trying to get my name off of medicaid and food stamps as I won't touch the benefits anyway.  It's not working.  I've whined, sent emails, letters and spoken to at least three reps yet I am still listed as what they term as a lazy tax hog: Last November, a county social worker called me lazy and said I needed to learn discipline and get out of the house to do something for the community.  Uh...I don't think he reads the newspaper or votes. 

If I were lazy, politicos wouldn't have had cops sit in front of my house to intimidate me and no one would give a hairy rat's behind my opinion of anything. 
I've ratted Mr. Dumb Social Worker out to the people in charge.  I hope I got that little idiot fired.  Maybe having to get unemployment will put a chill in his stereotypical bottom.   

I think the county is keeping me on the rolls so that they can up their numbers and beg for more money from lawmakers.

The county wants me to do workfare.  I can't afford to work 30+ hours for free.  The daycare alone will cost me $180 a week.  The benefits my ex will get equal about $125.  It doesn't come out in the wash, especially for me as I have no say in where the funds go. 


According to the politicos, work isn't work unless I can make $217 each and every week or allow a greedy corporate stooge to profit from my free labor. 

That's not going to happen. 

Sorry...I do a lot of work pro bono now just so I don't have to get a business license and tango with the snotty, lying, gossipy Tax Audit Supervisor.  I'm practically giving my inventory away until I sign another lease. 

It'll work out.  I have faith.  I'm looking at another office tomorrow and it is nowhere near a memory. 

Last night, I whined to a conservative about being thrown on the rolls and unable to leave. 

I'm so freakin' mad. 

I also spent two hours on the treadmill. 

I do my best thinking when I'm drenched in sweat.

Guess what??? 

I know why they won't let public employees have workplace rights and why they abuse them to the hilt!!! . 



Because if they extended workplace protections to public employees, they would have to extend them to workfare workers!!! 

I have to throw out my study now and start over!! 


I'd love to get the unions in here to represent the workers fined $500 due to gossip and protect the workfare workers picking up needles off the side of the highway without proper protection. 

Let's make it too damn expensive for the county to abuse the poor!! 

I prayed for years wanting to know how to conduct my study to help families.  God made me broke, bankrupted me and let a social worker kill what was left of my marriage because I am a worthless pile of shit for being conservative and putting my husband's wishes first....

 but, low and behold,

 I know what to do now!!

Hang on to your hats!! 

This is gonna get real fun -  real fast. 

Love ya,

S.

P.S.  Arbecht macht frei was the slogan posted on the doors of Auschwitz. 

P.S.S.  Just so you know, we spend less on actual aid to the poor in the entire country than we do our office of Economic Affairs...

I'm not happy about that. 

The people in economic affairs aren't doing their jobs if the welfare rolls are burgeoning. 

We spent the same amount on welfare in 2010 that we did in 1992, in spite of the rising costs of living and the greatest recession. 

Do you think our people are better off? 

Really? 

How much of our GDP was spent on welfare related programs in 2003? 

50%

10%

2%

No.

Just 0.0098%

If we want to complain about moochers, then we must look at corporate welfare first. 

Workfare (and Prisonfare) is just a way to provide free or low cost labor to corporations.  I don't like it and neither should you. 

Soul Ties

The other day I spoke to a Christian minister about immorality and ungodly soul ties. 

It is possible that I have one. 
The conversation is starting to fade in my head now, so I'll try to share what I remember in case it helps someone else. 

I'm not sure what to think about it.  I mean, his pep talk echos what my Cherokee step-father would preach about pre-marital attachments with the opposite sex except that it contained snippets of Christian sexism in that the minister was justifying domestic violence. 

Let's see...

He said that good friends can develop soul ties.  We develop them by loving someone more than we love ourselves. 

I can see that. 

We can develop them with members of the opposite sex by sharing hopes and dreams, worshipping with them, and planning a future together.  Sexual activities, in and of themselves, are not necessary. 

Sex, though, does create a bond - especially with the first love. 

Oh...

Then there was something about God making women so that they put up with all sorts of abuse thrown at them by their first loves and men being made to protect them at all costs. 

I need to embrace Christianity and renounce the soul tie.  It would be more effective if my old friend would do the same thing. 

Okay....

I may get it...I may not. 

No one else has let me go to church with them or gave a damn about the future.  I can see, maybe, why my first love has a soul tie with me. 

The dreams are bugging me.  I'm still waking up around 3:30 every morning, no matter what time I get to bed or how much vodka I down. 

I need to understand...

Sex...a lady doesn't remember such things at that age. 

I don't remember putting up with crap from him.  I remember telling him that he was responsible for his own...uh...turbidity and gave him tissues and lotion.  I remember handing him a shovel to work off his....uh....emotional state.  He was a devout Christian: I wasn't going to let him go to hell over a lack of self-control. 

He did shake me once....only once.  He couldn't stand how frightened I looked.  He was angry because I was alone in my home for over a week and wouldn't let anyone in the door without my family present.  After he pounded on the door for several minutes and threatened to call the police, I relented and he came in the house and shook me.  It was a cold winter day, he was probably angry and shivering. 

He never pulled that stunt again. 

Teenage girls ought not let young men in their homes when they are alone.  What was he thinking? 

When I go into hypnosis and ask my subconscious mind when I vowed to love him, I get an image of him playing a broken guitar. 

My dad would buy me any instrument he found.  Some of them worked, others did not.  He gave me a crappy acoustic with a crack in the back.  I didn't have the heart to throw it away, so I used it for a decoration.  At Christmas, I didn't have a tree.  Nope, I decorated the crappy guitar. 

I had an image of Tom playing that beat up guitar hanging on my wall, showing me that it wasn't quite as damaged as I thought it was.  Now, Tom doesn't know this but he has a 'tell'.   He always does certain things when he's thinking of things that would make me blush. 

His face goes white.  His eyes get watery.  His eyes start to narrow and glow.  He tilts his head to his right and moves in closer.  This is the sign that he wants more than he should. 

I always ask 'what'?

He always says 'nothing'.

This is true as of the last time I saw him.  Thankfully, I'm not sure if I was the person behind the thoughts. 

On that fall day in '86, the air got thick and he exhibited his classic 'tell'  but this time, I didn't ask any question.  Nope...in my memory I tell him that I think I'm falling in love with him. 

At this moment, he chastised me.  One ought not to fall in love because one would always fall out. 

He told me he loved me. 

I promised to love him that day and every day.  I've kept the promise. 

This is the origin of my soul tie, at least according to my subconscious mind. 

Darn it....   

I hate Valentine's Day.  I hate a little piece of land in a place called Sheridan. 

I was offerred a free office overlooking that spot a couple weeks ago in exchange for bringing in business to a spa.  I turned it down Friday because I couldn't handle the memory.

In '87, that spot housed a motel which has since been demolished. 

Our relationship took a dive on Valentine's Day in '87.  He broke my heart. 

I was planning to spend the evening with my Grandfather.  After school, Tom followed me on the bus to a mall.  Grandpa wasn't home.  Taking advantage of the opportunity, I took him to a vintage era photographer.  We picked out saloon era costumes and had our photo snapped.  He dressed up as a drunk and I in a very skimpy saloon girl costume.  I bought two copies of the photos for $40 (two days salary at the time): one for him and one for me. 

All he could do is complain that I didn't smile the right way.  He had a filthy and funny expression on his face.  I just smiled my genuine smile because my best friend was by my side.

Still, we fought about my wrong smile. 
 

I was hurt. 

We fought so much that we missed the last bus home.  Grandfather wasn't home, so I ended up renting a room at a motel and urged Tom to call his father for a ride home.

He wouldn't.  He didn't want to leave me alone in a scary part of town. 

I was so pissed at him.  He wasn't going to get lucky. 

I won't tell you what happened next but it wasn't good. 

It had to do with alleged drug use and me being a snarky, cold @#$#@.

I think that's the day our relationship went downhill. 

I remember being sad a lot after that. 

I hate Valentine's Day. 

Expectations...too many expectations. 

I've spent the past few years trying to find that picture so I can burn it.  It's missing along with Tom's break up note.  I know if anyone sees it, I'll never hear the end of it. 

The break up note....

I'm confused. 

When people piss me off and hand me notes.  I won't read them. 

On May 1, 1987 Tom handed me a note and said he was leaving me.   I stuffed it in a yearbook where it sat for twenty years.  The night before I told him about a scholarship to a music program. 

I cried about the scholarship because I didn't want to take it.  I wanted to be here for my grandfather and my friend.  I wanted to go to school in town. 

A week before my 20th high school reunion, I was in Mike's bedroom crying.  I graduated with my master's degree two years before and felt that life was passing me by.  I wanted a reason to wake up in the morning.  I wanted to make a difference.  I wanted a job and regretted turning down the position in the Ph.D program studying media as a means to ease anxiety. 

We fought.  He wasn't listening.  He just took a job working for the city.  I needed to be here so that he could work crazy hours without worrying about the family. 

Why do I have to give up who I am to be loved by him?  Why can't my life goals mean anything? 

My yearbooks were shoved on a shelf in his closet.  Mike stood up and got something out of the closet at which point my yearbooks fell down.

Tom's note fell into Mike's hand. 

He read it aloud before stopping. 

I'll get in the way of the things you want to do in life, so I'm leaving you.

Then, Mike said that someone didn't want to leave me.  Tom didn't sign the letter but it was obvious who it was from.  In the letter, he promised to always be there if I wanted him and basically vowed eternal love. 

It was a surreal moment.  Mike fell silent.  We stopped fighting about what I could do with my life.  Those talks make me think of Tom, so it's easier to stay quiet now.   

Mike lost his job a year later.  I've heard an earful about things since then.  The thing that comes to mind is his interpretation of a horoscope my mother cast for me before she died. 

I have Venus in Leo or something....maybe it is Mercury in Libra...I don't know. 

But mom wrote that my first marriage would stun everyone.  Yep, it  stunned me.  I walked into my boyfriend's mother's house to run into a minister and a dress hanging on the door.  They had to pry me out of the bathroom with a promise of an annulment to get the deed done to appease his mother. 

My second marriage would be prolific.  Yep...if he sneezes, I'm pregnant.   The man doesn't even sleep with me.  Could you imagine the shoe I'd have to live in if he was attracted to me and held me at night?  Wow....three is enough. 

Mom wrote that my third marriage would be happy.  There won't be a third unless someone beats me in the head with a hammer again or I go senile. 

Astrology is crap.  I don't know why Scorpios only ask me out.  I don't know why Geminis like to touch places that get them slapped.  Or why Pisces look at me like they want to barricade themselves into a bedroom with tofu and leather after they try to solve all my problems. 

I guess everyone else buys into astrology, so it helps to understand it and see their false personas. 

It is still crap. 

But Mike took that horiblescope as a reason not to fix things with me. 

He's recanting now.  He needs my help. 

I'm stuck. 

This is painful.  I wonder, though, about the soul tie thing.  Could my ungodly soul tie to Tom make it hard for me to commit to Mike? 

Would it help if Mike would talk to me about the future?  or go to church with me?  or give a crap about my hopes and dreams? 

In '08, Tom met me in our home town and I told him about the Cherokee ritual of breaking sticks to end constant thoughts of a former flame by returning pieces of his soul to him. 

He asked me if it worked.  By the sheer number of piles of broken twigs I placed around the trees in the weeks before meeting him, it was obvious that it had not worked. 

A month before, he wrote and said I was the freshest memory in his mind, so I tried to get Tom to perform a ritual to break it that day.  All I needed to do was buy red ribbon from the lady at the flower shop and have him cut it.  He told me he'd do it later. 

This isn't right.  If he's hurting like I am.  It's not fair to either one of us. 

I hesitate to do it by myself for fear of hurting him yet I may do it anyway next Saturday.   

If the ritual doesn't work, I'm going to hypnotize myself to believe he's gay. 


That ought to work...maybe....last time I was convinced that he wanted more than I could be and that helped ease the pain. 

If the ritual works and the soul tie is broken... my blog will get a heck of a lot more interesting. 

If not... I don't know. 

Maybe I'll call my ex-hubby and let him take another whack at my skull. 

Love ya,

S.