Hey There Delilah

I grew up with a Native America Step-Dad. 

When he was lucid, and didn't have access to whiskey, I'd hear stories of why you don't cut your hair, why you don't take photographs of other people, and why you don't screw people you don't love. 

Yep...

He'd say every time you have sex with someone, they become a part of you and you end up looking like them. 

I'm not cold or frigid.  I'm just too vain to screw just anybody. 

I don't want to look un-hot. 

Of the few people I've known that well, I want to know who in the hell gave me the green eyes, the wrinkles, and the white hair? 

I didn't have those when I was a virgin. 

Oh, and my skin was whiter and less golden back then, too.  My make-up artist claims that I am no longer "cool" but "warm" and I had to throw out all my make-up.  That was expensive. 

I've not been with anyone in ages...so, how in the heck did that happen?  Maybe this is what I looked like before my high school sweetheart.  Maybe he's the one that changed my appearance? 

I like blaming men for my problems (can't you tell)? 

I'm so old...I don't want to admit to what I don't remember.  And, a lady doesn't remember such things from back in the day.  Not to hurt any one's feelings....but to save them. 

Anyway, I digress. 

Oh, that's right.  It's my turn to talk about the photograph thingy.  Yep, daddy believed photographs stole your soul.  Yeppers, he also said that to burn one was to make the people in the photo burn for you. 

Daddy was a firefighter, I wonder what he thought when houses burned down? 

And, back to the hair. 

Our hair is our power, he said.  Don't cut it.  When my parents were alive, I had curly brown hair w/ red highlights down to my lower back.  When they died, I cut and dyed the holy tar out of it. 

I don't know about the beard thing because my dad didn't have a beard.  Native Americans don't grow a lot of facial hair. 

So, I don't know what they thought about it.

In my old age, I've developed a beard.  I kid you not.   

Yep, I have a beard.  It consists of one reddish brown hair that comes out of a scar on my chin. 

That's my beard.  Until today, it pissed me off.  It made me feel old.  It makes me want to carry tweezers in my pocket and bleach the holy tar out of my face. 

I feel like a man. 

It's gross!! 

Until today, that is.  I found something that makes me feel a heck of a lot better. 

Today, I read that successful men in the programming business all have beards. 

Well, I'd like to improve my computer skills and I guess I'm well on my way. 

And I owe it all to that one hair! 

It's a symbol of my brilliance! 

Yipee!!!

So, I'll keep studying computer programming, bleach the heck out of that lil' critter on my chin and see how long I can grow my beard. 

Ha!! 

Oh, and if you want to read the story I found, you can find it here, just add the http://www. part.  I hate ending up in other people's comment section because I share their link. 

alenz.org/mirror/khason/why-microsoft-can-blow-off-with-c.html

Love ya,

S

Okay, okay....the truth is that I'll still tear the shitty thing out of my skin.  That gross hair won't last more than an hour after being spotted. . 

But, it is a fun thought that I can have the wisdom of a computer programmer given enough facial hair. 
People are bizarre....fun....but bizarre!

No Wonder They're Happy and Gay

I spent the evening at a school Christmas concert.  The man in the basement and I sat together as we watched our daughter and numerous neighborhood kids sing whacked out versions of holiday classics. 

He turned to me and mentioned a recent news story in which a music teacher had a bunch of elementary school kids rehearse "Deck the Halls" but the kids couldn't get through the song as they had to stop and giggle every time they reached the lyric "gay". 

So, the teacher switched the word to "bright" and the kids moved on. 

Parents were outraged. 

I turned to him and said, you know, you'd be happier if you were gay and didn't marry a beeatch like me.  Can't you see why gay men are happy? 

He laughed. 

It's true. 

Love,

S. 

If you want to read the story, you can find it here:

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/trending-now/parents-outraged-over-teacher-removing-word-gay-deck-164802191.html

Like a Violin

I think I'm being played.

Or he's dying. 

I'm not sure. 

The man in the basement asked me to stick around for the sake of the kids.  Our marriage has been troubled since '99, when his mother threw a fit about my college education. 

We've slept apart since '07. 

I'm lonely and in pain. 

In '08, he lost his job.  Apparently he paid a bribe to his tax auditor boss (at the urging of the city attorney) in order to keep it. After stealing money from a loan account (money borrowed to pay for  education) to pay the $500 bribe,  I stopped trusting him.

In September of '08, after a pep-talk from my high school sweetheart, I took what little money was left from that account and started my own business in an attempt to support the family and work around every one's schedule. 

Things got violent in the interim.  I wanted to leave and tried saving money or the lawyer.  He left several times only to be allowed to come back when I found out he was sleeping in the car.  He typed up lists of promises (to help with the house, to let me work, to get therapy, etc) that have never come to fruition. 

In September '10, he took a job which he claimed promised him a salary of nearly $50,000.  The hours were identical to those I worked and the kids were refusing to do their homework.  He gave me an ultimatum; neglect the kids or give up your job.  He was going to take the job no matter what. 

Fast forward a year later, I found out that our credit cards are maxed out, he's raided our retirement and his $50,000 per year job pays only $18,000. 

I was crushed. 

Don't get me wrong.  I don't expect men to bring home the bacon unless they directly interfere with my ability to get the job done.  If they mess around with my business, my reputation, or my ability to hold down a job then they ought to support me until I can get back on my feet. 


In early November, after being asked to get on food stamps and do free community service to earn them, he told me that they gave him the job they promised paying between $45-$50,000 per year.  He had to change his hours immediately and they would backdate the contract.  I'll spare you my rant after being called lazy by a welfare tech.  I don't believe we ever qualified for public assistance in the first place. 

The belief that poor people have no work ethic astounds me.  Crap, the welfare worker was late to our appointment!  I wasn't.  Geez!  They promised me help find work...nope, they want to put barriers in the way of women finding work.  Right now, the county social service office works as a demotivational tool for people trying to get back on their feet.  I vow to take care of that once things are settled here.  Any politician who ignores it is going to get skewered...trust me on that. 

I found paperwork that says that he's still making minimum wage.  His employer will pay him minimum wage to continue doing that position until at least mid-January. 

If he wants to work it out with me, why would he lie?

It gets worse.  All of the accounts that I have access to are dry.  He wants me to be a housewife, yet I cannot access any funds for groceries, cleaning supplies, haircuts, clothing for kiddos, Christmas gifts or anything. 

For three years, I have had no access to the family money.  I've had little access to the credit for several months.  I can spend the few dollars that I am making on Ebay.  I feel incredibly guilty for taking time away from work around the house to list my junk. 

I'm selling everything I can.  I'm down to one bass guitar (one worth next to nothing that I keep for sentimental reasons).  If you knew me, you'd know that means I'm really in the poorhouse. 

Here's the rub.  There is a missing $18,000 in an account somewhere.  He promised that if I stayed to help him with the kids that he would split it with me to pay for my education and make up for the money he took. 

Nope, he can't do that now.  He tells me that there is $10,000 and that he'll put my name on the account when he makes time to do that.   He's been saying that for months. 

Things are getting worse that that. 

He's gained another 100 pounds and I'd put his weight near 450.  He can't breathe.  He turns red when he's walking around.  I'm terrified he's going to die.

Even if Cupid got me with a golden arrow, I'd be to terrified to show him physical love for fear he'd keel over. 

I'm not trying to complain.  I hesitated to type this out but it will serve a purpose if something happens to me.  People will know what is going on.  It will also serve as a cautionary tale for other women. 

I don't think he's working 14 hour days. 

I don't think there ever was a $50,000 per year job.

I don't know if there is another woman. 

I think he's hiding assets in anticipation of divorce and using me to squeeze free services from in the interim. 

I think nothing and no one should ever interfere with a woman's ability to work, ever. 

I still am afraid for his health.  I can't describe what I see. It's bad.  I've asked him to take some of that $17,000 and connect with  a bariatric physician.  He's refused. 



I'm scared.

Sorry this is short.   I'm at a loss and trying to make some sense of this. 



She ran around telling stories about me.  Her brother got involved and told my husband to stay away until he and I divorced.  I was not allowed to visit them during any holidays yet they took the fact that I didn't show up as proof that I didn't love my husband or respect his family.  We'd get calls from his relatives chastizing my behavior day and night.  They drove my husband insane. 

My husband ran out on me when I was five months pregnant.  He did come back but we've never recovered.  Our communication has suffered immensely. 


He needs his family more than he needs me. 

I've stopped counting the number of months since I've been a woman; I now mark my celibacy in years.   

This isn't healthy.  It is probably beyond repair. 

Is it wrong to wish to find someone to love?  or should I continue to be as loyal as I can to someone who is obviously using me? 


I wish I had a friend I could trust right now.  If I called my lawyer, he'd tell me to find another $3,000 and stop allowing the man in the basement to play me like a violin. 

Love,

S.

It's been twelve hourse since my rant.  I've been thinking about it all day. 

I'll never understand what the heck happened.  I can turn it over in my mind but it won't matter. 

It boils down to getting caught up in someone else's dysfunctional family.  It has nothing to do with me. 

And, maybe this is what happens when men hit their mid-thirties, they freak out.  He's in his mid-forties now, maybe he's almost done with the crazy stuff..

maybe....

if I give him a little more space...

he'll find what he needs.  I need to do what I did with his mother, ignore the antics and go about taking care of my responsibilities. 

I need to earn a wage that can support a household.  I need to get the household in good enough repair to resell, so that is what I'll concentrate on doing. 

Tomorrow, I'll babysit during the day and then get a book on bathroom tile repair.  If he can't fix it, I will.  How hard can it be? 

We'll see.

Love,

S.

A Cold and Horrid Night

-4 and dropping

Please pray for the homeless. 

I'll spare you my rant on our politicians who have put so many laws into place that they have made housing expensive while wages drop due to the taxes local businesses pay. 

I'll save my lecture on the broken promises the Dems made to help the homeless and the Repubs made to get rid of expensive regulation. 

I'll stay awake tonight fuming about how the Democrats decided to help the homeless in '08.  We had a couple of Presidential hopefuls come to town and in their infinite wisdom, these people who claim to love people, decided to solve the homeless problem by...

wait for it...

giving the homeless haircuts to make them look good. 


I'll never have the stomach for politics again.  Sitting next to a bunch of dumb people makes the bile stir.  I'd rather talk to homeless people, that is, if I can find one that trusts me enough to talk to me. 

I used to spend time with the homeless when I was younger. 

Pray for them.  May we not find any dead in the morning. 

Love,

S.

Edit 12/6/11

It was -15 this morning after taking the wind chill into account.  By 3:30 p.m., I actually saw a group o men running around in shorts. 

I live in the most bizarre climate in the country.  If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes. 

Wow...

Oh, and no deaths due to the weather were reported overnight.  That makes me happy.  I love our Rescue Mission and can't wait to have money again so I can send them some.

Maybe someday I'll tell you what they did for me when I was a homeless teen. 

Life is full of miracles. 

Love,

S.

My Jolene

I dreamt that I was belting out this song on a stage next to an altar to Dionysus. 

Go figure...

I always hated this song.

First, I take issue with the phrase "don't take my man". 

Do we own men? 

Seriously.

If a guy is dumb enough to dip his dipstick somewhere else, he doesn't deserve me. 

That's it. 

My "Jolene" was a bleach blond, brown eyed, actress whose name is similar to the singer of the song.  All you have to do is take this singer's name, remove the 'M' and replace it with 'C' (as in Cunt) and you have the name of my 'Jolene'.  You know that lady that called me for years to bitch about how my ex beats the crap out of her. 

He left the flaming auburn chick with eyes of emerald green to run after a blond ten years older than I and ended up tormenting her.  He often came back wanting to have sex with the redhead "hotter than his wife".   That divorce is one expensive way to try to have an affair with me.  That man is weird....still.... I love him at a distance; the further the better! 

They justified their affair by saying I was in love with my high school sweetheart.  To this day, they believe they freed me up to marry my friend from high school*.

Whatever clears my first hubby's conscience enough to sleep after screwing her...

Love,

S.

*If you need an explanation....

I'm not going to give it.  It would make my ex look incredibly stupid. 

I will say that my 'jolene' called me several years after her marriage to my former partner to say that she was happy that I married my high school sweetheart and that she knew I never loved her husband.  We should all be happy that things ended up they way they were meant to be. 

I didn't know what to say.   

I never did have the heart to correct my ex and his wife.  They seem happy believing that story, so why mess with it?  

Sigh...

Some people are so darn weird...

but

at least they each have a conscience.

I think I know why this is bugging me....

My "Jolene" shows up in my Facebook feed as a "suggested friend" or as "someone [I] may know." 

If I were a friend, I would have helped her escape when he was abusing her.  All I did was give her my word that I'd testify against him if she ever felt the need to get away. 

That's it. 

Her Facebook profile pic makes her look like she's been put through he!!.  I was going to write "ridden hard and put away wet" but that would be tacky, huh?  That's the phrase I usually use to express a thought that someone or something has not been taken care of but, in this case, there is probably too much truth to the statement to make it sound less than nasty. 

The truth is that I should have done something different for her but, at the time, I was afraid she would chalk up my concern to jealousy. 

So...I did the least I could do. 

Funny...I had brown eyes when I met that particular ex.  They turned green during the marriage.   

Maybe there is something to that jealousy bit after all. 

I always pray for "Jolene" and her daughter...that poor dear has put up with stuff I couldn't tolerate.

Love,

S.

Lies, In-Laws, and Cargiving Laws

Well, well, well...

I'm confused. 

Last week, I fielded a call from my ex's sister.  She wanted me to tell her brother that her father had stage one lung cancer and a rigorous chemo schedule.  I asked her to call him herself, she declined. 

A few days later, my former best friend from high school called my ex to ask him if I let him know his father had an inoperable esophageal tumor.  Nope, I didn't tell him that.  I told him his sister called to say his dad had stage one lung cancer and several chemo treatments a week before suggesting that he call his father. 

Now, my former best friend is calling over here saying that his father has brain tumors. 

In the past, when his parents were sick, they'd call over here wanting me to house keep for them. 

They'd tell me that their children would not help, even though they provide 40+ hours of free daycare for their children on a weekly basis. 

I used to help them with anything they asked.  I used to tote his parents, aunts, and uncles around town.  I used to babysit their grand kids, take them to doctor appointments and clean their houses but that was before they got weird.  I never asked for anything in return. 

They disowned their son when I enrolled in a graduate program.  They spread lies about me to the people on campus.  They threatened to have me arrested, claiming that I threatened them. 


I cannot help them.  If I went over to their home with my mop, I'd be afraid of what they'd say I did with it.  They've lied about me in the past, claiming I'd threatened them, stolen their beanie babies, and schemed to take their retirement.  I did ask their kids to get them screened for Alzheimer's disease but they ridiculed me.  I can't do anymore as it doesn't seem worth the risk to be kind to these people at this point. 

Their son has bankrupted me (and that saga keeps going on and on and on).  I can't even pay for a provider to help them. 

I can't take responsibility for my in-laws short of winning the lotto. 

This is hard. 

Thankfully, this state doesn't have filial laws on the books yet.  I don't know what to do for them except pray that they're lying about the cancer.

I get the sense that, this time, they're telling the truth. 

It hit me that there must be a reason that they think we owe them.  I'm wondering if he borrowed money from his parents that I do not know about.

They keep saying that they bought our home.  They didn't.  It was my life savings that bought our house.  I paid off his pre-marital credit card debt with my inheritance.  His parents didn't help.

I do know he would sign over entire paychecks to his sister when we first got married.  Perhaps there was a reason for that.

Should I ask?

I'll stay quiet.  I'd bet that they would tell me if they sent money here that I had no knowledge of.  They'd probably be seeking repayment by now.  They would be specific as to the amount, right?  

I don't know. 

I can't help them.  I've got to find a way to support this household.  I'm wracking my brain on that one.  It's a long story.

Maybe I'll share later.  I think I'm being played. 

Today I am researching Filial laws and the responsibilities of in-laws.  Many states force children to care for their elderly parents.  This may push the D-thing faster than I realize.  I can stick out living in a loveless marriage if we have a fiscal plan but appears that if one exists, I'm not privy to it. 

Maybe I'm the fiscal plan.  I hate to think I was his parent's retirement care giving plan.

Hmmmm.....I wonder.

Love ya,

S.

Edit:  My ex called his parents and they were bizarre, to say the least.  His mother answered the phone and refused to say more than 'hi'.  His father told him nothing was going on and he had to ask directly about the cancer. 

The cancer in his lungs and brain actually exists.  His father was diagnosed in August.  The conversation was short and left my ex in tears.

If I left him, could he have a relationship with his parents before they die?


I've gone rounds with this for over eleven years.  My relationship with him is pretty much gone yet I fear leaving him alone.  That's pretty freakin' dysfunctional, isn't it? 

I wish they could all get it together.  Maybe if they all made me the common enemy they could have something to talk about. 

I don't know. 

Maybe I'm meant to hang out here for a while longer. 

An Adult Orphan's Rant

Thanks to Newt Gingrich, I think I will run for office again.  I was thinking about putting all my support towards a Republican but maybe I'll reconsider because if this is the truth of that party, I'll stay put.   

Guess who people like me steal votes from?  My entry into races tends to usher in Democrats (or RHINOS) to office.  Yep, I'm more conservative than most of the Republicans I've met.

Newt Gingrich has no clue.  That idiot just lost his final hope of ever being President of the US.

He lost. 

Do you know why? 

He plays on stereotypes, not facts.  He claims that poor children do not have role models that teach them how to work.   He's not going to get away with it in this economy; so many people were were solidly middle class have lost their jobs.  Any talk about jobless role models is going to touch a nerve with the bulk of our populace.  People want jobs but boneheaded fiscal policies on the part of government have taken away the bulk of our good paying jobs. 


Check out Gingrich's rant for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqFvAyoaEoY

He forgets about the working poor.  He forgets about public schools which have dumbed down our educational process so much that the only thing children really learn is how to wake up in the morning and do busy work through the afternoon. 

And, doesn't he even consider that maybe on some level, the teachers are middle class role models for children in poor schools? 

Drat...a local politician was trying to get me to take a substitute teaching job in a low income school.  I think she's trying to keep me too busy to complain about the latest bait and switch scam; they want to take tax money set aside for public works and put it towards rec centers that most families can't afford.

What the hell is wrong with the water politicos drink?

Now, to set Newt Gingrich and people of his ilk straight.  Let me tell you about my story. 

My mother was disabled. She married a disabled veteran with PTSD. Our household income, growing up, was nearly $450.00 per month.  Our government let my daddy down and he terrorized us because of it.

Due to his bad behavior, my sister and I were orphaned.  I was fourteen and she was eleven.  My step-father ended up playing with a gun and nearly killed my sister a short time later.  He died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. 

The government never did give a darn about those who fought their wars, did they? 


I held my first paid job at twelve to buy food for my sister and I.  I babysat the children of young couples that I went to church with.

I lied about my age to work at a Hallmark store in a local mall when I was fourteen.  Now, if this is what Gingrich means by making money illegally, I paid my taxes.  I just lied about the year I was born. 

I had to feed my sister.  I worked because I needed to eat. I needed to buy books for middle school (despite the state constitution).  I needed to buy clothes. 

I began my marketing career at sixteen. 


I worked my way through college and only gave up work outside the home when I was married and became responsible for raising children as I wanted to make sure they got good grades.  I started two businesses that allowed me to work and care for the children at the same time.  I also studied from home and scheduled my coursework for the time the kids were in school or church. 

Three of the four children I raised are now in honors programs.  The youngest is seven and hasn't had a chance to get into a gifted program yet.


The eldest earned a full ride scholarship to college, so my time at home working on my graduate degree paid off.  She's got one class to go until graduation.  She's studying to be a civil rights lawyer.  

My husband left a few years ago.  I let him come home due to the state of the economy.  I'm too conservative just to up and leave.  Last month, he signed up for welfare and got his bottom chewed out when the county called me up and told me to give up my business in order to be a part of workfare to give back to the community.   I did volunteer for them one day; they got me down there with the promise of helping me find a good paying job.  We never received a benefit from the government (at least to my knowledge, we haven't received anything).   That day taught me that county social workers are violating federal law and misrepresenting state voter registration laws to people on workfare.   I'm probably the last person they want angry about that. 


Do you think I trust our government? 

No.  Besides, I give back to the community all the time.  I volunteer quite a bit, I just don't log those hours for social workers.  It's none of their darn business.  

I've done the math.  Every hour I volunteer outside of the hours that the kids go to school costs me $10 in childcare expenses.  The welfare people wanted me to work for less than $1 per hour during hours my kids needed transport to and from school.  I can't afford to do that.  I can, however, volunteer at night after seven or during the day when the kids are in school and I do not have clients.    

I won't give up any business that I've worked hard to build to appease a government hell bent on destroying the freedoms of the people that support it.




Ah, but idiots like Gingrich say that people with little money have no work ethic.


Mr. Gingrich, can stuff a stinky sock in it. 

In the 90's, shortly after my short stint as a foster parent for my younger sister, Gingrich was running around glamorizing 'boys town' and other movies which depicted sweatshops for orphans.  I was disgusted at that.  After my father died, my sister was given to an aunt who allowed her to run off to Florida while the aunt illegally collected SSI.  My sister ended up in foster care in Florida and called me to tell me her foster mother was having boys in the home rape her in an attempt to impregnate her so the household could collect more money.  I was furious!  I called the State Attorney Generals office incessantly until they shipped her home. 

After my husband and I married and won custody, there was some interference from a social service department and my sister was shipped off to live with a pimp by a social worker in another county (how they did that with the cooperation of the social service department in this county, I'll never know).   The church was helping me; I didn't get a penny from the government.  After the social worker took her, the government paid the pimp $400 per month and my sister became a prostitute.  In the spirit of tough love, I never bailed her out of jail.  She did drugs and when caught tried to claim those drugs belonged to an elderly relative.  That broke my heart.  This was the kind of nightmare I had worked so hard to prevent. 


There is some level of karmic justice for the county that stole her away from us; she and her children are on welfare now in that county.  All of her arrests have been in that city and county, too.  Over the past twenty-three years, the taxpayers in that area have paid dearly for their government's interference. 

The government doesn't know a damned thing about child-rearing. 
Gingrich is probably is justifying workfare and expressing the same desire some nasty person at our county did; they want kids to drop out of school and work for less than $1 per hour.

My sixteen year old neighbor's family is facing eviction and he's being asked to drop out of school and go to work.   Over the years, I spent hours tutoring him to help him bring his grades up.  I'll throw a fit if the welfare office justifies him quitting school to help his dad pay the rent, get health care, or food stamps. 

I'm trying to help the dad drum up business in any way I can.  He's not good with Internet media.  It would help him but he's not quite open to it.  He quit talking to me when I offered to advertise for him on some of my heavier traffic sites.  I tried.


Gingrich wants sweatshops?  They want to exploit children and the poor. 


Not in my country.  If you like that abusing children and making them indentured servants, Gingrich, you can move your stupid @$$ to China, India, Honduras, Vietnam or any other county that puts up with that sh!t.  Just pray that you don't piss off the authorities in any one of those countries with your open mouth or no one will find you.  If you love the freedom this country gives you; extend that responsibility and privilege to the other citizens here. 

And walk a mile in an orphan's shoes before b!tching.


In fact, I'll give him a pair of my high heel boots.  How about the pair I wore when I shoveled the elderly neighbor's walk today.  Let's see if he's man enough to do what I do any given day.



No.  Gingrich looks too flabby and lazy to do what I do now.  He couldn't have done what I had to do in high school in order to graduate at seventeen, and work a full time job while living on my own.  

Any idiot can give a political speech. I've done my share of that and I never took a dime from special interests.  Gingrich cannot say that!  It takes a real person to motivate and inspire others without taking a dime in biased support. 

I'm tired of politicians running their mouths without consideration for those who pay their way.  Aren't you?

Man....I never wanted to run for office again but maybe....it's time.
Love,

S.