The most painful things - hugs and giraffes

So, I've had two relationships since that day in '87 when I realized that Tom and I were never going to be together. I tried to move on.

Here is the weird thing...when each of these men got stupid, Tom was there.

The first one stalked me, tried to kill me, and put me in the hospital numerous times. That was unwelcome...that was stalking...that was creepy.

I don't know if he told the truth about an encounter Tom allegedly had with him. I don't know, I wasn't there. Still, I took drastic measures to hide...

I changed my name, my hair, my face and...you know...I even changed my eye color with hypnosis. They used to be dark brown. Now they're emerald green.

My first husband thinks I married my high school sweetheart. I don't argue anymore, whatever makes him think he was the victim in our relationship is a-okay by me because it means he'll stay far away from me.

He's the kind of man that I can love at a distance...the farther the better.

The second one lets his family stalk me for him. He claims not to be aware of it -but- he must know. It's been going on for 20 years now...it hurts.

Oh, and he used to call me Mrs. [Tom's last name] and claimed that it was due to my career [a famous hypnotist shares my first love's name]. He calls me that because he used to hear me talk in my sleep when we shared a room.

He recently told me he was jealous of Tom because he has my loyalty. If his cousins or old friends from high school speak ill of my old flame, I get upset and defend him. Tom never beat me, stole from me, punched holes in the walls of my home, or stalked me.

God always brings Tom into my life right before all hell breaks lose.

When I promised myself that I would never allow myself to care for anyone anymore, he arrives.

Why?

This hurts.

And that damn giraffe...the one he gave me in Feb. '87 turned up on the floor again. That sucker is a memory trigger...I remember...I don't really want to...

it hurts to know I was so stupid and I caused so much pain to one I care for so deeply.

The point of this is that the people who are stalking me know their contact is unwanted. One was served with a restraining order in '91, the other trio of troublemakers received a no-contact letter co-authored by my lawyer after threatening to attack one of my friends from high school way back in '01.
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Restraining orders and no-contact orders do not do a lick of good. On the other hand, telling stalkers that you can hypnotize them into telling the truth in front of a police officer is highly effective. Since doing that, the trio of troublemaking stalkers related to Mike never confront me, only the people around me.

That is, until the day I went out to lunch with Tom. I was confronted by someone I think was spying on us. I don't know what they'd think they'd see....stupid people. If they are that in need of a show, they need to rent some porn - Geez! They've stalked me so much over the years, they ought to know I'm as celibate as a Mennonite school girl living by herself on a deserted island somewhere.

They went too far when they had their friend start harassing my associates. I'm the last person they want to piss off right now.

Anyway....

Tom, dear friend, you are welcome into my life. I just don't want to fill your beautiful brain with my sadness and pain and it's more fun to hear your voice than my own. I trust you completely, I just don't want to waste those few precious moments I spend with you talking about my boring life.

Stop hiding in the shadows and come into the light.


I don't know what kind of friendship we can have...or if we can have one at all given the past...but I'm here for you. I realize now that you've always been here for me.

Love ya,

S.

P.S. Oh, I should probably state that I did not get married or change my name...I'm playing with my stalkers. No matter what, I'll fight the temptation to change my appearance again and hide again..but at 41, I really, really want cosmetic surgery...

Yeah, yeah...you're right. I don't like pain so I'll probably will let my body look like a worn out old sock as I age.

P.S.S. No matter what - LIVE! I don't care what you do, just be happy. Even if you never see me again...please know that you're loved.

I know who You ARE

I know who you are. So, when you see me walking down the street in my blue dress, my horns and a tail....know that I dressed up for you.

Smell that? Yeah, that's Ode de la Pepper Spray.

Yum!

You're not going to scare me out of business or out of the pubic eye anymore. You did for awhile but...I'm going to use your crap to my advantage.

In fact, I may just amp it up and make it harder for you to corner me because I'll surround myself with other people. All I have to do is find a group of big strong horny men that will keep you away because they'll think they will be getting a little something out of me...

someday...

maybe...

That's not what you wanted, is it.

Stop playing...you'll lose.

Be straight with me or pay the price.

I own that monopoly board. Never play head games with a red-headed female hypnotist.

Love ya,

S.

P.S. You're too senile to remember the reference to the dress. Here you go...don't want to confuse you.



Seriously stop it...

I am Only a Cougar cuz of Washington State

I'm going to scream. At some point it is disturbing when a twenty something approaches me to ask my age, ask me out, or compliment my physique.

Over the years, I've developed strategies for scaring them away. One kid mentioned that he was a big fan of AC/DC, so I mentioned that I graduated high school the year that 'Highway to Hell' was released. I told another that I had a daughter his age.

Once I had a kid ask if I was a vampire because he pegged my age thirteen years younger than I truly am and I said...'why yes I am'.

He must think I'm insane.

Look....

I'm not Mrs. Robinson.

I am not Maggie May.

And I am definetly not Stacy's Mom.

Stop it...

I'm not a cougar....well, I am because of my alma matter but that's it!

Let me give you a better picture of me...

Seriously, the skin on my face is held in place with clothes pins on the back of my head.

Yep...I'm old enough to remember what clothes pins are!

And, I was raised by people who survived the great depression.

Yep...and I'm listening to an old LP of Duran Duran, when they were dressing up like David Bowie and wearing make-up. You know those things DJs scratch? Well, back in the day, we actually were careful not to scratch them because it took a day's salary to buy one.

Do DJs still scratch records? or have they moved on to something else by now?

You see...

I'm old....

super duper old....

I'm saggy...

and baggy...

and not a lot of fun.

But I like your moxy kid,

so I'm going to give you a bit of advice.

If you want to learn something new,

get a book or some porn and a tight young thing!

There are some great things you can do with erotic hypnosis.

You'll never get bored. You'll never disappoint, and if you're lucky, you'll have someone that can grow with you over the course of many years...

and you won't creep yourself out by the horrors of the aged female body.

Goodness....

Usually, a smile will reveal my wrinkles and the youngsters will run away...but once in awhile, that trick doesn't work.

Sigh...

Seriously, I don't get what young men see in forty year old women.

I SEE you

I figured out who my stalker is...

or should I say who THEY are.

They are the same people who have been stalking me for awhile.

Damn....

These are the people who stalked me in '92 with their incessant phone calls claiming that they witnessed me walk into my apartment with strange men and wanting to talk with them.

I wasn't even dating my estranged spouse at the time. We were just friends -but-they seemed awfully interested in my whereabouts all of the time.

The callers usually resided in a town an hour away from where I was.

I doubt they were just in the neighborhood.

Whenever I find a job, they call or visit me at work. They are known for contacting co-workers and bosses to badmouth me.

They did the same to my academic advisor in my Graduate Program.

They harassed one of my landlords. They told their bill collectors that I was married to males in their family (I wasn't) and those bill collectors began harrassing me. They sent me unwanted cards and letters. When I confronted them, they thought it was funny.

I didn't.

I have memories of two of them, who worked for a security firm, driving by my home several times during the day. There was no reason for them to do that.

They have a talent for getting third parties to either threaten me, harass me, or chastise me for not doing their bidding. I used to get calls all the time from people upset that I didn't do something that these people thought I should do (e.g. like clean an elderly woman's home, or told I hypnotized their children to hate them....it was always stupid crap). When I explained the truth of the situation, the calls stopped.

In '98, I had a neighbor point a gun in my window. The police came out and asked them why he did that and he stated that 'my sister' claimed I was taking notes on their family so I could turn them over to some sort of government entity. He described a female relative of Mike's and when confronted, she admitted to threatening my neighbor. Apparently, Mike had given her keys to the house when we were away and she spent that week menacing the renter next door.

She also had to call me to tell me that she went to my school to tell everyone what a horrible person I was and, you know, that act still haunts me to this very day. I had two professors beg me to file for a divorce because they were sure that my husband was stalking me. I didn't realize it was him at the time; I just thought his family was insane.

I know who my stalker is....I know who has been recruited to do the dirty work. Even the crap that Tax Audit Boss spewed about me in documents and in court mirrored the same things that these people say about me all the time.

They say that 90% of the time, a woman has been intimate with her stalker. I think this is the case. His family has been given me fits since 1992!

These people have been a handful.

I recently went to a funeral and the lot of them sat there glaring at me. One of them told me that she saw my name on the door of the place where I work.

That was before the weird stuff began happening.

A week later, I went out for breakfast with a male mentor who expressed concern that that I was being stalked. The man had me sit there for several hours and, you know, the person he thought was following me did not leave until I did.

Then, two weeks ago, I went out for lunch with an old boyfriend and this strange man approached me after my friend and I parted. This same man is now menacing people who work near me and quizzed one woman about me. I know it is the same guy because he has a very unique body size.

The police told me to simply avoid him, which is hard because he's coming to the place where I work. Now, I'm terrified and taking the advice of people who tell me to document everything.

I was always afraid to leave the house because it seems like chaos ensues whenever I leave. Now, I'm terrified to go to work. That was my safe place. The only place I felt human. It pains me to think I have to give that up.

Whenever I try to do anything outside of the home, Mike's family does something to scare me. They harass neighbors, co-workers, teachers, bosses, landlords and now they're bugging people who lease office space next to me.

I'm wondering if I should stay with Mike so he calls off his dogs.

This is scary.

I'm posting this in case something happens to me. My family knows the extent of the harassment, there is so much to tell because they've done so much over the years. Mike has even menaced me in public. The past year, I took voice lessons so I could intimidate him; one can really bellow when she takes a deep belly breath before screaming. I think he may be afraid of me now. He hasn't scared the piss out of me since last April.

I wish the Aurora HR Manager would understand why I want a policy to stop supervisors from gossiping about the wives of supposedly abusive spouses and to call the police at the suspicion that a violent crime had taken place. And NOT to bring it up to the abuser or take action and blame it on the wife. The Supervisor does not know what happened, she's not a judge nor a jury. She's his boss. That's it, end of story.

She can fire him because he didn't cross an 'T' or dot an 'I'....don't fire him because of gossip that I fake heart attacks, have a degree, and in the opinion of a T & A Supervisor needs to get a job. The HR Manager really ought to read those court transcripts. I had nothing to do with it.

Those statements have caused me a lot of pain. And, by the way, I have never met anyone my former spouse worked with....ever.

What the Tax Supervisor said happened did not happen....but....it appears that she got sucked into his family's verbal and emotional abuse of me. I'm still quite angry about it. This was unjust and anger is the normal reaction to unjust behavior on the part of someone who should know better. The problem, though, is that those injustices keep on coming.

Consider what she did wrong...she fined my family (put me under considerable financial stress), blamed me for HIS job loss (read the court transcripts), gave him permission to stalk me (again read the transcripts), city lawyers defending her behavior threatened me, harassed me over the phone and in person. This is not to mention the freaky deal with the cops showing up at 2:00 am on the day I get a letter about the HR lawyer from the Supreme Court.

The HR dept needs to fix it. The city has a police force. There is no excuse for not following up and behaving in ways that amp up a violent situation. This is also not to mention the behavior of the your staff when I inquired about what was stated about me in the HR file, what was written about me online by people claiming an affiliation to the HR department, nor does it explain the HR Manager's behavior while corresponding with me.

Even though the things uttered by the supervisor mirrored my In-Laws' gossip, the supervisor did embellish the lies. The embellishments are probably projection on her part (so again, I want you to consider reminding her about the EAP because I suspect she has a victim issue in her past that is cropping up due to whatever Mike or his family told her).

I'll forgive the city once that policy is in place. That is what I wanted in the first place. It is the correspondence with the city and its officials, in addition to those slanderous online posts, that alerted me to the inappropriate and libelous information in the unemployment file.

Again...heed this warning. If I die or get hurt...the city will be sued. My family promised to sue the city and any individuals involved in the harassment and defamation of me. It sounds like you guys got caught up in an abusive man's trap. Make sure it never, ever happens again.

Everything is documented in exceeding detail. Whatever problem I had with Mike, I was safely walking on eggshells. The city blamed me for their bullying behavior which ultimately turned out to be illegal and harmful to Mike. The truth is that I don't feel safe anymore but in this economic climate, I really can't do anything about it without a lot of money and safety planning.

The money has been harder to replace since he lost his job. To be quite blunt about it, the money will not come if I lose my office space due to the harassment of other tenants by members of his family.

I pray that the city never pulls this crap with a spouse of an employee ever again.

I'm terrified.


Love ya,

S.

Help

So,

I couldn't sleep...I can't stay here any longer.

It hurts too much. Where am I going to get the money to leave this hell hole?

I thought about quitting my business and my job. They actually cost me far more money than I make. That's normal for the first couple of years though....but this isn't a time when I can afford to do that.

I told Mike that I couldn't afford to file for a divorce and that I was depressed. He ran to his car and said he was going to get the money from the our retirement account. I begged him to stop, he left anyway. That was three hours ago.

He did that last March. The money did not go to a divorce. He left me with a tax debt and less to retire with.

I can't live like this. I thought about doing something stupid. I actually sat in the car for 40 minutes in the garage contemplating doing something stupid. Maybe it's not so stupid; I mean the kids could collect social security. Mike could afford to be dumber a bit longer.

Maybe it would be a good thing to do...

Not at home....I could go do that in the mountains where no one will find me.

Here's the thing... I want to live.

If I dare drive myself to a cabin in the mountains, I will just end up moving my unofficial separation somewhere else. I don't want to die. I want to leave this moron who continues to lie and steal from me.

I know I'll get to see the kids if I leave because he needs a free babysitter!

I'll give it another 24 hours....maybe I should take my van to the mountains, find a cabin with wifi and live there.

I realized that he has been emotionally abusing me for 20 years. Whenever I do something, anything...I end up dealing with crap dished out by people he knows.

His family would harass me on the college campus (no shit).
He and his sister would bug me at work.
I try to start a business and they take my money (or quit his job, or take a job working the same hours I see clients and demand I provide free childcare).
Now, I'm having to deal with shit from his former employer.

That doesn't even account for the physical abuse...he's never really hit me. He just hits things in my periphery and bellows so loud it embarrasses me. I usually give in to that.

Lately when he comes close to hitting me or he gets in my face, I tend to push him. Then it gets violent. I get hurt and bruised. This has only happened since Dec. '08, after the court transcripts blaming me for his job loss were sent to the house.

Let's just say, yesterday was bad. I confronted him about the lawyer's call. I'm bruised severely today. I need to stay away.

I finally figured out why he behaves this way.
I know why he lies...
I know why he badmouths me to anyone who will listen...
I know why he won't bathe....
I know why there are filthy underwear that smell like fabric toilets on the floor...
I know why he steals money...
and tantrums...
and treats me like crap.


He's trying to get me to leave so he can keep the house. He also misses his mom and his family hates in-laws. His extended family is putting a lot of pressure on me to leave so that they will talk to Mike again. The story is that so long as I'm at home, I hypnotize him not speak to his mom. So, in their family myth, I've got to go.

It's kind of funny...If he's only hypnotized when I'm at home, I don't know why that stops them from calling when I'm at work, or shopping, or taking a walk...but...who knows? Really, all they have to do is take me to the movies and whammo...they can call and talk! LOL!

Or, they can help him find a job and talk to him on his lunch break. Wouldn't that break the pseudo spell?

There is a different story about each in-law. Most people that marry into the family leave after a couple of years. One committed suicide by refusing to take his insulin.

I've got to go. I'm getting tired of the crap.

I don't want the house. I just don't want to starve, I need some of the money I put into the house back so I can get a fresh start. I'm terrified he's going to bankrupt on me and leave my creditors and business associates holding the bag.

He swears he won't even though his eyes dart back and forth. I keep catching him in huge financial lies. Again, this is new....before '08, he only blew a gasket when I left the house to go to work, go to school....whatever...it was easy to deal with. If creepy controlling men work, then you do your stuff when they are not home and pray their bosses don't give them permission to stalk you (yeah...I'm talking about his former boss).

After he lost his job at the city, he blows his top whenever I ask about money. He yells if I want to make a budget, plan for the future, take a new job, go back to school, or petty much plan for anything. How in the world can I own a business if I can't plan for anything? Damn...this is hard.

I realize that I'm going to starve whether or not I stay or leave. The kids don't have a prayer of getting what they need unless I'm able to obtain it for them. He won't do it. I have to. I can't work with a control freak at home. I've got to move now.

It seems impossible to leave the house for work because the fighting is so damn bad. It's hell to live here. I know what they call this....but it isn't domestic violence. You see, if he comes at me like a bat out of hell and scares me too much, he'll be eating a plugged in lamp or going into a seizure.

This is control from a man angry at his mother. He goes into trance, compares me to her and flies into a rage. There isn't anything I can do short of send his ass to therapy. Besides, male control but it is so ingrained in the culture you can't change it.

The police may help women like me but the courts will not. This is one of those things where we have to deal with it ourselves. Before women leave, they are pressured to take the abuser out of their lives completely. Once a victim leaves, the courts and its officers (including therapists) are quick to give the abuser permission to find her new home, information about her job, control of her schedule if visitation isn't static, and insight into her private life. You have more power before you leave than you do afterwards.

I actually heard a group of therapists talk about pushing legislation to make it illegal for a woman to return to an abuser. What the heck? Women return because they have more power. If a woman leaves, the guy has their joint assets, has a court order to invade her home under the guise of visitation (unless she has a restraining order which may or may not be honored by the authorities), and can legally harass the holy shit out of her (e.g. by rescheduling visitation for the middle of her work day so she can choose between losing her job or risking jail).

I've been there and I've done that. The courts just play along.

Sometimes you're better off with the devil under your own watch until you can move far away and hide or he finds a bimbo who will take up all of his time and buy you some peace.

Still, I've got to leave at any cost now. I know I'll lose everything....but if I don't I probably won't survive another year.

I'll try to write soon to let you know I'm okay.

Love,

S.

Parting Shots...

First Boyfriend - "I turned into you and you turned into me."

I don't know what he was talking about. He still doesn't have 36Ds and I fail to have that kind of package.

First Husband - "You'd make a better mistress than a wife."

He married his mistress because she could cook. He still tries to push me into the back seat of his car. At least the man knew what he wanted.

Second Husband - "I never loved you. I only loved the way you made me feel."

Ouch. That one stings, especially after nineteen years.

He wants to stay married while he lives in the basement.

I don't want to spend another night alone. It hurts to wake up numerous times just to cry.

I'd do anything never to feel that ever again.

That must be what hell feels like and after all these years, it really is starting to get to me.

I wish the economy would improve so that I could leave.

Without Love

Life is Meaningless.