Originally this blog was meant to share some of my weird one-liners. I actually have a friend who collects the strange things I say for a play he is writing. I promised him that I won't blog about those things that he wants to use. So, I quickly ran out of things to say.
This did turn into a way to keep my family and friends informed of some of the strange things going on in my life. I'm not really estranged from them but I don't like dealing with some of the crazy stuff. I certainly don't know how to explain my personal life, so I stay quiet.
It is easy for me today I am speechless. I am losing my voice. It is weird.
On Tuesday, I decided to take my ex back. I was really going to give it a try. I never had the chance to tell him. I never even had the chance to hug him.
We began fighting, over stupid things.
People who live together need to talk about mundane things like;
- who is going to do the bulk of the household chores now that one of us is bruised to the hilt and can barely walk?
- do I need to relinquish my vehicle for his appointments one the days I'm away from home?
- can I plan on working at my office on the weekends or am I expected to stay at home with the children?
- do I have to attend his uncle's 80th birthday party or am I banned because I'm an out-law?
- If I go, will I be harassed, hit, or abused? If I don't, will I be harassed, hit, or abused?
Now, I need to qualify that last line. He has never hit me or threatened it. I cannot say the same for members of his extended family. Last time he went an outing from his side of the family, he returned and became incredibly nasty towards me. It was in '07 and his comments still sting (he told me to see other men and took to calling me Mrs. Erickson and, no, it was not meant as hypnotist flattery...it was an indicator of jealousy towards an ex-boyfriend).
Aside from realizing that I had to get rid of anything given to me by men named Erickson, I don't know what I am supposed to do.
The problem is that I don't know my role.
I asked my ex.
The answers are nonsensical.
Did you know that...
- women are stupid so men don't have to listen to them?
- women talk just to hear themselves talk?
- women let people put ideas in their heads?
I can't think of the others. It is too painful. Why are these the responses? I need to know what my role is in the relationship. What bills do I pay? What are my responsibilities? When can I work? What does he expect? What does he want?
He pushes me away. He must not want me. He claims that he does and wants me to be close to him.
I wondered why he does that.
I have a few postcards that he sent to me early in our relationship. He'd send them to me before we really began dating with lines from various songs he considered romantic.
One postcard stands out, now....
It had a line from an old Journey song.
I get the joy of re-discovering you.
~Faithfully
Is that the dance?
Do some men actually push their mates aside with crappy drama only to try to draw them back by finding a solution to the problem they created?
If I were to give one the actual steps to the dance, it would be
Three steps back - one step forward.
I asked him if the fighting was about having the possibility of making-up.
He said "maybe."
I felt ill.
So......
It has to end now. God willing, I'll find the resources I need to end this evil now.
On another note, he might be right, that Tax Audit Supervisor did put ideas in my head.
A smart women, though, investigates bothersome ideas by asking her spouse whether or not the workplace gossip was true or contained snippets of the truth that he found of concern (especially the part about me needing to get a real job).
He yelled at me.
Sigh...
On another note, I think I have found a third party to take several of the complaints about the city and investigate them. The domestic violence complaint though is still falling on deaf ears. I tell you, that since that woman claimed I was battered, my spouse has become more violent in relation to me.
I'm becoming very afraid. What starts as verbal abuse and intimidation can easily escalate into full blown physical assault.
I have a sense that I need to leave him . How can I leave him if he is unemployed? I'm trying to be as nice and fair as possible but it isn't looking possible.
I've been through this before. If a man beats the crap out of you, the police will compel you to leave and the judge will give you a restraining order.
Then you file for a divorce thinking you are doing the right thing for all involved.
Then the magistrate handling the divorce will declare that domestic violence does not exist and throw out your restraining order, give your ex your new home address, and instruct him to pick up the children at your residence at a time most convenient for him (written so vaguely that your ex will demand you leave work, drag the kids out of school, and have her ready within an hour). The court custody evaluator and/or GAL will admonish you for choosing to have a child (aka not having an abortion), for "breaking up your family", for leaving an abusive marriage after less than eighteen months (should I have stayed longer?), and having so many personality issues (i.e. dependent personality disorder) that you drove your ex to "drink".
Sometimes I think the system is more abusive than the men who batter. I still have a copy of that custody evaluation in my office to remind me why psychotherapists cannot share personal information without consent, why one cannot diagnose contrary to the DSM (look up dependent personality disorder - it does not apply in cases of domestic violence), or make assumptions mental illness without proper education, training, and time, and how much invalid labels, gossip and hearsay actually impact the lives of others.
By the way, I won sole custody after my ex threatened to rape his girlfriend to create another child because I wouldn't let him see our daughter on demand (noon on a school/work day with five minutes notice). Lucky for me, he said that in front of the GAL and the judge.
I will never, ever be so lazy in my work with the public. Ms. D. (the custody evaluator) taught me the importance of ethics, honestly, and education. People get hurt by our ignorance.
The woman who did that custody evaluation nineteen years ago is still doing them in
Arapahoe County. She
supposedly has a P.hD. in psychology and runs that particular department. Several years ago, I met the head of a men's rights group who wanted information about having her removed from her post. I tried to help.
I told them my story.
My ex beat me.
My ex claimed that I beat him.
This custody evaluator thought it was a great idea to have us meet in front of her office together alone. She gave us both the same wrong address. She was no where to be found.
I had to find a phone book and get the correct address and walk three blocks to her office with my ex following me. I was shaking by the time I arrived. Then she interviewed us together. I remember being too afraid to talk that day.
The custody evaluator was betraying her lack of understanding about domestic violence. It doesn't matter who the perpetrator was. It was a volatile situation and she did not care about the "victim". If there was the slightest possibility that I beat my ex, why would she leave him alone on a doorstep with me? Why would she put us together alone? Why would she interview us together?
In reality, she left me alone with my batterer and interviewed us in a venue where I was uncomfortable saying anything without my ex's consent. So, anything he said basically went unchallenged.
Dr. D. still works for
Arapahoe County and still does custody/parenting time evaluations. I feel sorry for anyone leaving an abusive spouse here. I know that my experience with her is the sole reason that I am still sitting on the separation paperwork.
I'm praying for a solution. It will happen soon.
I should also say that my ex wasn't Satan. He wasn't evil. He was confused and in pain from a lifetime of childhood abuse. He drinks. It is killing him. I love him enough to pray that he finds whatever he needs. In my eyes, he is still a kind soul. He tried to spare my little sister the childhood pain he endured as a child and worked to adopt her off the streets of Denver. His efforts probably did help get the attention of social workers, who put her into a foster home headed by a pimp...but...
he tried. I will always respect Roscoe for that. May the years he have left be happy ones.
I'm also praying everyone gets what he or she deserves (curse or not, I don't know...you tell me...).
Love ya,
S.
